life, the thoughts of that greatness that several years before had distracted me from purposeful practical interests began to appear. I began to think that having such an ability to produce an effective influence on people, to stun them with a stream of absolutely brave proud judgments, to thrill them with hypnotizing words, and even to persuade them of my ideas as absolute true, so how can I be an ordinary man? No doubt, I began to consider myself far from ordinary, and even more – a superman, a gift. After all, at that time before, in the way it started to seem, for the unsuccessful first time of my rise, when for some reason I was put in a hospital, I had been able to prove to many friends that I had been a real god; after all they believed then, so they would obviously believe it now.
But yet, I potentially followed the course of a completely normal life which I did not find interesting enough for my future, much in this search, transformed from independent practical ideas that had until now possessed me, to some new, or rather, quite familiar mystic and psychological process of search. Now I already stunned the students of the correspondence department, especially my female classmate, with whom I held many interesting conversations, told her many stories about the so distant past grief. She was a smart girl and, perhaps, she recognized in my behavior that madness which I so sincerely admitted, being eager to cheer her up somehow in our conversations, but perhaps that she did not recognize it at all… After all, the event that had happened to me, after a long time became only an exciting story for those in whom I had enough trust. And now, that what I was not afraid of at all, began to spout out of me in the form of ancient jitters and mystical dramas, right after the mockery of myself, which I had only recently expressed in my revelation to my fellow student, and however, and not only to her: I courageously and happily shared the history of my illness with those to whom my trust could be extended. And the irony over the terrible monster of an ominous disease did not save me from encountering it.
Sitting at home, studying the subject I was about to take exam in, becoming more confident in my ability to pass it with success, I was passionate about this study. But, despite my apparent good preparedness, I received an modest note, I had already told that the features of memory and diligence finally quit those who, on the contrary, in the heat of the disease, are confident in the utility of maniacal enthusiasm. In addition, after listening to the tutor’s reproach that I did not seem to have read anything at all before the exam and that she can not accept a box of sweets from me, because she’s a lawyer, I was completely offended and understood nothing; as a matter of fact, it was a counter gift for the favor to let me test out. In general, I was disappointed, as in fact I did my best and read everything, but my gratitude turned out to be of no good to anyone. Yet, paying no attention to some awkwardness of my life, I was still convinced of the bright future with this powerful energy, and, moreover, good luck should come to a man who was so determined and brave. I saw my fearlessness in this ability to cope with a huge stream of tremendous judgments which dramatically altered the picture of my outlook and yet seemed to leave me in a sane mind, and I felt again being a god and bravely accepted the new destiny that was contrary to the real one. I understood that I can experience such rare emotions and feelings and give birth to extraordinary thoughts that put me above others.
It was absolutely obvious now that in the nearest future I would get fabulously rich, driven by such energy, also possessing this power raging within me, to acquire the ability to heal people, through which, perhaps, I’ll be able to become known to the whole world. But how else one can think of the path of a person with such an inner world, when he is organized, purposeful, and is about to change under the onslaught of force, which did not allow him sitting still, into a superman invented by Nietzsche, for example? Certainly, this seemed inevitable and, at least, for me personally. Once, when I was a child, my mother wanted her son to become just such kind of person or almost such, I fully justified her desire, began to transform myself into a god, again entering that former channel of unrestrained striving for a new life. The main thing for me was now the advancement to the development of abilities that were already to appear inside me. And so, planning their growth, I began to follow the path, which seemed to me the acquisition of divine skills and traits of character.
Now I ranked healing first as a method of rapid enrichment and glory. I though: “Okay, I’ll learn jurisprudence on a person basis. For individual lectures, I was going to greatly assist the academic community, for example, healing them or their children, adjusting their fates with my superhuman intervention, and in general – it would be a honor for them to have such a student, so I will, as a result of such private learning, develop in divers directions, so the desire to continue learning would also come.” And now, after such a trick performed by the professor in family law, I just wanted no attitude to myself except for the above, so I immediately stopped to pass thee exams. As time passed, my energy did not leave me for long periods, and I decided to go to the village in which the events of my first attack developed.
In the village I again began to tell everyone that I was a god, but less often, more cautiously than last time, but the people around were already ready for this, nevertheless it was possible to fool them in the same manner, namely close acquaintances and friends. Knowing for a long time my behavior, many still began to see in me an erratic, impudent dreamer, and were only angry in response to my dogmas with the emerging clarity on the matter in their inquiring minds. I also suspected some kind of dirty trick, the community kept puzzling me with its protest against my superpowers. And the other side of my self-esteem began to appear, I felt that I was in trouble.
Then I decided to stop all this maniacal whirlwind in myself, and I started a fight, having suffered a lot, but even the fact of my broken tooth did not calmed me down. Still wandering around the village in a misunderstanding of myself and having found a girl who considered me a cool guy, which was the best in my situation, she almost immediately fell in love with me, and that with the permission of my mother; I began to feel that even though she liked me, but I was still in trouble again.
With the new girlfriend, I hurried to the dentist who restored my tooth, and I was pleased to introduce Zemfira, as I called by the nickname that I gave her due her similarity with the famous singer, to my parents, and then realizing that I could not cope with the new girlfriend, I handed her over into the custody of my close friend, already expecting the sad outcome of my psycho attack.
I asked my mother to settle me in somewhere to tranquil my soul already tortured by drunkenness, and most importantly, by the impulses of maniacal ideas. So she did: I was admitted to the central hospital, where I had once been treated from pneumonia. Here I was put on a drip in the ward for patients in an alcoholic delirium. I like a pretty nurse, and staying there seemed to result in calming the nervous system. I gave the girl as a gift the amulet that my mother brought me. My mother reacted enviously, and finally I lost the trust of that pretty girl, which was impossible to return. Another adult woman who nursed me, turned out to be the mother of my classmate’s husband and happily began to restore my strength, saying that many were able to regain here their former condition. Everything that happened to me during the second attack was like a muddy and heavy dream, and my story is therefore as little interconnected as those visions, and nevertheless let me continue…
I paced the wards and actively communicated with those who were treated from pneumonia, inspiring respect, stating that in the nearest future I will find out where our governor spends the municipal money.
But the calm, of course, did not come, and I tortured the nurse a lot, who, I think, had many questions in mind relating to me anyhow, the main of which was the question of my legal capacity, since all my assuring statements about my possible help to her son, the husband of my classmate, who in a jail at that time, more and more resembled nonsense. And then I was dismissed, yet not having calmed down enough. As time passed, I was still excessively energetic and strolled again in the village.
It was necessary to somehow solve this problem, and I independently took, as I now think, a completely wrong