That was going to make for an interesting conversation if she was pregnant.
She should do a test. Find out one way or another. But then she’d know, and right now she’d rather cling to the vague hope that her perfectly organized life wasn’t about to become complicated.
“Everything all right, Hannah?”
Hannah opened her eyes. Adam was standing in the aisle of the first-class cabin, stowing his overnight bag.
“Everything is fine.” Hannah already had her bag safely tucked away and her laptop by her seat. She lived with a sense that things were about to go horribly wrong, and did what she could to prevent it by planning and controlling every last detail of her life.
“Are you sure? That conversation sounded tense.” He sat down next to her. He was tall and rangy, his long legs filling the abundant space in front of his seat. “Problems?”
Normally when she was traveling, Hannah preferred to keep herself to herself. If such a thing as a Do Not Disturb sign existed for passengers, she would have been wearing it.
Today, however, she was traveling with Adam. Adam was her colleague and, for the past few months, her lover.
Turned out he might also be the father of her child, which she knew would be as much of a shock to him as to her.
“I was talking to Beth.”
Guilt pricked like holly. Beth was right that she hadn’t seen her nieces for a while. The girls were adorable, but being with them made Hannah feel inept and inadequate. She found it impossible to read fairy stories where everyone lived happily ever after. She couldn’t bring herself to perpetrate that lie. There was no Santa. There was no tooth fairy. Love couldn’t be guaranteed.
She’d tried explaining that to Beth once, but her sister had thought she was being ridiculous.
Maybe life doesn’t always end happily, Hannah, but I’d rather protect my kids from that reality when they’re young if that’s all right with you!
Hannah thought it was healthier if one’s expectations of life were grounded in reality. If you didn’t expect much, you didn’t have as far to fall when you finally realized that no amount of planning could stop bad things happening.
A few years before, after an unexpected snowstorm, Hannah had been forced to stay the night at Beth’s apartment. In the middle of the night, Ruby had crawled into her bed. Hannah had felt the tickle of soft curls against her skin and the solid warmth of the child through the brushed cotton of her pajamas as she’d snuggled close for reassurance. It had reminded her so much of that one terrible night when Posy had climbed into her bed that the memories had almost suffocated her.
The fact that her sister didn’t understand simply made her feel more isolated.
She’d left before breakfast, choosing to battle snowdrifts and bad weather to escape the memories. She’d been careful never to put herself in that position again. Until now.
She ran her fingers around the neck of her sweater, even though it wasn’t tight.
Christmas was going to be hard, but even she couldn’t find a way to evade it for a second year. The McBride family always gathered at Christmas. It was tradition. She’d resigned herself to the fact that it was something she was going to have to live through, like a bad bout of the flu. But now she had this added complication.
“She was upset that you canceled?” Adam watched her, concerned, and she looked away quickly. He noticed things. Small things that other people missed. It was one of the attributes that made him good at his job. It was also part of the unsettling attraction she’d felt since his first day at the company. Hannah had been completely unprepared for the startling chemistry between them. She was so good at controlling her feelings it had come as a nasty shock to discover they were capable of rebellion.
“I’ve hurt her.”
He removed his phone from his pocket and handed his jacket to the steward. “Why don’t you tell her the truth? Tell her you find it hard being around the kids.”
Oh the irony.
If I’m pregnant, I’m going to have to find a way to be around kids.
It still surprised her that she’d talked to him about her family, but Adam was remarkably easy to talk to.
She hadn’t told him everything, of course, but more than she’d shared with anyone else.
“It’s…complicated.” She noticed that a couple across the aisle from her were traveling with a baby. They hadn’t even taken off but already the baby was fussy and restless. Hannah hoped it wasn’t going to cry for the whole flight. Listening to a child cry made her stomach hurt.
“Introduce me to her, and I’ll do it.”
“What?” She turned back to Adam, confused.
“I want to meet your sister.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s what people do in our position.”
“Our position?”
“I’m in love with you.” He said it easily, as if love wasn’t the most profoundly terrifying thing that could happen to a person. “Or are we going to ignore that?”
“We’re going to ignore it.” At least for now. She had the same control over her feelings as she did over her schedule. She’d learned to hold them back. If there was one thing she hated in life, it was emotional chaos.
“I should be offended that you’re treating my heartfelt declaration of love so lightly.”
“You were drunk, Kirkman.”
“Not true. I was in full control of my faculties.”
“As I recall, you’d consumed several glasses of bourbon.”
“It’s true that I may have needed a little liquid support to give me courage—” he shrugged “—but saying I love you is a big deal to a guy who has been single for as long as I have.”
She hadn’t allowed herself to believe that he was serious.
For Hannah, love was an emotional form of Russian roulette. It was a game she didn’t play.
Her emotional safety was the most important thing in the world to her.
She didn’t even want to think about how complicated it would be if there was a baby in the mix.
“You’re worried I’m going to strip you of your assets?” He leaned closer. “We’ll sign a prenup, but I should warn you that in the event of an irrevocable breakdown of our marriage I want possession of your books. Given time and medication, I can probably learn to live without you, but I can’t learn to live without your library. Do you know what a turn-on it is knowing that you have a first edition of Great Expectations on your shelves?”
She could barely concentrate on what he was saying. She should do a test. “We won’t be needing a prenup.”
“I agree. A love like ours is going to last forever. You could say I have Great Expectations.” He winked at her, but this time she didn’t smile.
Love was fickle and unreliable, and definitely not something you could control. If someone’s feelings weren’t right, then you couldn’t force it. She preferred to build her life on a more secure footing.
He rejected the offer of champagne from the steward and asked for bourbon instead, raising an eyebrow when Hannah refused, too.
“Since when do you refuse champagne?”
Since I might be pregnant. “I need a clear head to finish this presentation.”
“You can handle this presentation with your eyes closed. I don’t understand why