see. That’s the lesson here. The truth always comes out eventually.
But I can no longer be the one to write about it.
It’s the strangest thing, running into someone famous.
First, you get that initial rush of recognition, a fast flare of adrenaline that quickens your pulse and prickles your skin with awareness. Oh, my God. Is that...? Holy shit, it is him. Your body gears up for a greeting—a friendly smile, a slightly giddy wave, a high-pitched and breathy hello—when you suddenly realize that though this person may be one of the most recognizable faces in greater DC and the nation, to him you are an unfamiliar face, a stranger. You are just any other woman pushing her cart through the aisles of Handyman Market.
And then you notice the red apron, the name tag that proclaims him Handyman, the light coating of sawdust on his jeans, and realize that to Gabe Armstrong, you’re not just any other woman.
You’re any other customer.
“Need some help finding anything?” he asks.
I am not a person easily flustered by fame. I’ve interviewed heads of state and royalty, movie stars and music moguls, crime bosses and terrorists. Only one time—one time—in all those years did I lose my shit, and that was when I interviewed Gabe’s older brother Zach. People’s Sexiest Man Alive, the Hollywood golden boy who chucked his big-screen career to die in a war that, on the day he enlisted, fifty-seven percent of Americans considered a mistake. But when Zach aimed his famous smile on me that afternoon, a mere eleven days before he shipped off to basic training, I forgot every single one of the questions I thought I had memorized, and I had to fire up my laptop on the hood of my car to retrieve them.
But not so with Gabe here, who is not so much famous as infamous. There’s not an American alive who doesn’t remember his drunken performance at his brother’s funeral, when he slurred his way through a nationally televised speech, then saluted the Honor Guards with a bottle of Jack Daniel’s clutched in a fist as furious as his expression.
And his image has only gone downhill since. Cantankerous, obstinate and hostile are some of the more colorful words the media uses to describe him in print, and their adjectives lean toward the obscene when they’re off the record. Part of their censure has to do with Gabe’s role as family gatekeeper, with his thus-far successful moves to thwart their attempts at an interview with his mother or brother Nick, crouched a few feet away when three bullets tore through Zach’s skull.
But the other part, and a not-so-small part, is that he answers their every single question, even “How are you today?” with a “No fucking comment.”
I clear my throat, consult my list. “Where do you keep your tile cutters?”
Gabe doesn’t miss a beat. “Snap and score or angle grinders?”
“Wet saw, actually. I hear they’re the best for minimizing dust.”
“True, as long as you don’t mind the hike in price.” When I shake my head, he continues. “How big’s your tile?”
“Twelve by twelve,” I say as if I’m reciting my social security number.
And that’s when the absurdity hits me. I’m discussing tile saws with Zach Armstrong’s younger brother. One who so closely resembles his big-screen brother that it’s almost eerie. If I didn’t know for a fact that Zach died on an Afghani battlefield last year, I might think I’d stumbled onto a movie set...one for The Twilight Zone.
Gabe motions for me to follow him. “I’ve got a table model with a diamond blade that’s good for both stone and ceramic. It’s sturdy, its cuts are clean and precise, and it’s fairly affordable. What are you tiling?”
“A bathroom.”
He stops walking and asks to see my list, and I know what he’s doing. He’s checking it. Inspecting for mistakes. Looking for holes. If he had a red pen, he’d mark it up and tell me to revise and resubmit.
Gabe glances up through a lifted brow. “What’s the sledgehammer for?”
“To take out the built-in closet. It’ll give me another three feet of vanity space.”
My answer earns me an impressed nod. “Are you planning on moving any fixtures?”
They could almost be twins, really. Same towering height and swimmer’s build, same dark features and angular bone structure, same neat sideburns that trail down his cheeks like perfectly clipped tassels. I take all of it in and try not to let on that I know exactly who he is.
“Nope. Same floor plan, just a thorough update of pretty much every inch. I’m fairly certain I can do everything but the plumbing and electricity myself.”
“I can get you a few referrals, if you’d like.” He looks up for my nod, then returns to the list. I give him all the time he needs, leaning with my forearms onto the cart handle and waiting for his assessment.
Gabe may be Harvard educated, but I happen to know I’ve made no mistakes on that list. I approached this project as I do every other these days: by scouring the internet for relevant articles, handpicking the most important facts and condensing them into one organized document. My bathroom has been content curated to within an inch of its life, and that list is perfect down to the very last nut and bolt.
He passes me back the paper with an impressed grin. “You’ve really done your homework.”
“I’m excellent at research.”
“Almost excellent.” He taps the list with a long finger. “You forgot the silicone caulk.”
I straighten, shaking my head. “No, I didn’t. I already have three tubes at home from when you guys had your buy two, get two free special.”
“What happened to the fourth?”
“I used it last week to re-caulk the kitchen sink.”
Amusement half cocks his grin. He nudges me aside to take charge of my cart. “Come on. We’ll start on aisle twelve and work our way forward.”
And that’s just what we do. Gabe loops us through the aisles, loading up my cart as well as another he fetches from the front as we check off every item on my list, even the items Gabe assures me there’s no way, no possible way I will ever need. I tell him if it’s on the list, to throw it in anyway. The entire expedition takes us the better part of an hour, and by the time we make it to the register, both carts are bulging.
He waits patiently while I fork over half a month’s salary to the gray-haired cashier, then helps me cram all my goods into the back of my Prius.
“Are you sure you don’t need anything else?” He has to lean three times on the hatchback door to click it closed. “Because I think we might have a couple of rusty screws left in the back somewhere.”
“Old overachiever habits are hard to break, I guess.” I grin.
He grins back, the skin of his right cheek leaning into the hint of a dimple. “It was a pretty fierce list. Very thorough. One might even say overly so.”
“I told you I was—”
“Excellent at research,” he interrupts, still grinning. “I remember. But preparation is only half the battle.”
His tone and expression are teasing, and I imitate both. “Are you doubting my competence?”
“Hell, no. Anyone who can make a list like yours is fully capable of looking up instructions on the internet. All I’m saying is, if you happen to run into any problems with the execution and need an experienced handyman...” He cocks a brow and gestures with a thumb to his apron, Handyman embroidered in big white letters across the front.
I laugh. “I’ll remember that.”