by Siobhan Curham (Vermilion, UK, 2000)
Just feeling low
Milder ‘feeling down’ moods are also very common in pregnancy. This can be particularly overwhelming in the early stages when your hormones are flying all over the place. No matter how many times people say ‘hormones’ to you, you still think it’s life, not chemicals, that is making you feel so low. Your partner may find this disconcerting (my husband, having been through two previous pregnancies with me, was still unnerved by my dismal mood in the early stages of my third pregnancy). He may have no idea what to do to help you, so spend some time thinking about what you need from him then try to talk to him about it – if possible at a time when you’re not feeling murderous. Tell him that feeling low in pregnancy is common, chemical, but no less powerful or real for that. Suggest ways that he can help you (even if it’s just to leave you alone, buy you chocolate or give you a massage). The good news is that your dismal moods should pass. Talk to your midwife about this, or your GP or the Health Visitor at your doctor’s surgery. If your mood doesn’t alleviate, see above for where to get help.
Specific worrying
Even if pregnancy makes you basically happy, you may find yourself plagued by worries. Anxiety, like depression, is common in pregnancy and takes many forms.
WORRY THAT A PAST PROBLEM WILL RECUR | Some serious medical issues in the past (such as infertility, miscarriage, birth defects or other complications) can make your worries pretty specific and understandable. Many women who have had a miscarriage in the past, for instance, worry furiously up to the point at which the previous miscarriage occurred (and sometimes beyond). Get the most up to date information on whatever condition or event you fear. Ask questions, get referrals and second opinions. Start with your GP or midwife and don’t rest until you have answers. Information will not eradicate worry but it may help. Learning relaxation techniques may also help you to manage your more panicky moments. (See Find Out More, Chapter 4: Fear and Pain, page, for ideas and techniques.)
WORRYING ABOUT THE BIRTH | The vast majority of us (most studies put it at around 80 per cent) are scared of giving birth. We fret, often aimlessly, about this: will the birth be traumatic? Painful? Disastrous? Easy? Will it be like that horrendous one on ER last night? The good news is that pregnancy gives you time to prepare yourself mentally for giving birth. You can use this time to decode your fears, worries and preconceptions so that you can make intelligent choices about how, when and with whom you want to give birth. This book will show you how.
Generalised worry
There’s nothing like impending motherhood for bringing out the paranoid within. The world, suddenly, is filled with peril: pollutants, aggressors, toxins, accidents waiting to happen. ‘Throughout my pregnancy I worried the entire time about chemicals in body lotions harming the baby,’ says Jazz, mother of Karim (2). ‘I think I read it in some newspaper somewhere. It didn’t stop me putting lotion on every day, but it really bothered me.’
The rule is: if you find yourself worrying about some half-reported issue, physical twinge or weird feeling discuss it with your GP or midwife, no matter how mad or silly you feel. If they are vague or don’t have the answer, ask them where you can get it. For a good midwife, no question is too silly. If your general anxiety is stopping you sleeping, eating or otherwise preoccupying you, talk to them about the anxiety itself. Counselling, as well as treatment for more serious anxiety disorders, is available and now is a good time to get it (parenthood is unlikely to make it go away).
The root of worries
Much of this kind of paranoia boils down to the basic belief that pregnancy (and by implication birth) is both scary and dangerous. From TV, film, newspapers and magazines, you’ll absorb frightening images and stories of pregnancies that go disastrously wrong. This makes great TV and copy, but serious, life-threatening pregnancy complications are rare (how do you think we all got here?). Your ‘pregnancy/birth is unsafe’ mindset is not going to help you when you are in labour. For the vast majority of us pregnancy and birth are healthy, normal events. They’re neither threatening nor perilous.
Stress
‘Stress is definitely something pregnant women need to get to grips with. But you can do it. I have seen highly anxious, stressed out women at the beginning of pregnancy become, by the end, calm, relaxed and prepared simply by refocusing and making even slight changes to their busy lives,’ says midwife Jenny Smith. If your days are spent juggling million pound budgets, wiping your toddler’s bottom or – God forbid – doing both, you can still have a healthy pregnancy and be in good physical and mental shape for this birth.
We’re a stressed bunch these days: one survey of about 5,000 women3 found that women who work full time say they still do most of the household chores. Only 37 per cent of working couples share jobs equally around the home, and only 3 per cent of men do more ironing and washing than their partners. If you’ve already got children, the chances are you’re even more frazzled: the same survey found that 93 per cent of mothers feel stressed out, trying to cope with all the demands made on their lives. Add pregnancy to this and you get a heady cocktail of neurosis.
We stress about our inability to eat balanced portions of home-prepared food, our failure to attend a regular antenatal exercise class, to be productive enough at work, to get enough sleep or to relax – especially when we’re supposed to be relaxing. And then we worry that we’re worrying too much. The key question here is: will your stress harm the baby? The answer: it is extraordinarily unlikely to.
A handful of studies have suggested that a very high level of stress can increase your risk of having the baby too early, or having a low birth-weight baby by sparking off certain hormones.4 Certainly, if you are extremely stressed you are more likely to skip meals, reach for ciggies, booze or even drugs at the end of the day, all of which have been linked to low birth-weight (alcohol and drugs are also linked to birth defects). If any of this sounds familiar to you, don’t brush this under the carpet. Talk to your GP, Health Visitor or midwife.
TEN QUICK WAYS TO MINIMISE STRESS
1 Learn ‘mini’ stress relieving techniques. These can be very useful for labour, not to mention further down the line when you have an illogical toddler on your hands.
2 Make a list of things that, in the past, have reduced your stress levels, and do some of them if you can (leave anything chemical, nicotine-related or alcoholic off this list for obvious reasons).
3 Become an idler: leave the washing, let the carpet stay dirty, ask for deadline extensions and generally give yourself a break. Now is not the time to ‘prove’ anything to anyone.
4 Throw money at the problem. If you can’t do the above, and can possibly afford it, get a cleaner, get a cleaner more often or even bung a teenager a few quid after school to do ‘maid’ type duties for an hour or so. If you’ve got no money, divide your tasks into small, manageable chunks and plan meticulously for them: e.g. laundry (day 1), floors (day 2), bill-paying (day 3).
5 Negotiate divisions of labour with your partner. If studies are right, he probably does a fraction of what you do around the house, even if you are both working outside it. Inequalities like this will only be exacerbated when you have babies to cope with. He needs to be roped on board even (or perhaps especially) at this stage. Be aware that his standards and yours may differ (this does not mean it is his fault). He may in fact be exceptionally glad to feel useful at this point in your pregnancy.
6 Do small, beneficial things for yourself. Eat a yogurt before bed (calcium), keep fruit on your desk for snacks (and a water bottle), book yourself a lunch-hour massage (enforced relaxation), buy posh bath oil and use it religiously, at least once a week, and – why not? – treat yourself