and “baby” and “I miss you so much” and “when do I get to see you again?” Is he just not that into me, or can I just chalk it up to the crazy-long-distance thing?
Gina
Hey, Crazy Long Distance!
The only distance that’s bothering me is the very long distance between you and reality. (Okay, that was a little mean.) Example? In your second sentence you said, “He’s gentle, he’s affectionate, he’s attentive.” But a few sentences later you say, “He really doesn’t call me when he says he’s going to. Actually, he really doesn’t call me that much at all.” That is neither affectionate nor attentive. And it’s not gentle—it’s a harsh clanging bell that rings, “I’m just not that into you.” Why, then, is he nice when he calls, you ask? Because men are cowards and they would rather wait until the end of time than give you bad news. For the record, a man who likes you wants to spend time with you. And he’ll only settle for talking to you on the phone five times a day when he physically can’t get on a plane to come see you.
Don’t let the “honeys” and “babys” fool you. His sweet nothings are exactly that. They are much easier to say than “I’m just not that into you.” Remember, actions speak louder than “There’s no cell reception where I am right now.”
The “But He’s Got a Lot on His Mind” Excuse
Dear Greg,
On New Year’s Day, a guy I’d had a few dates with, who I was very excited about, was late for a date. I called him, and he, very apologetically, told me he had to go out of town to take care of his mother. He totally forgot to call me. I’m so confused. His mother is really sick, but it wasn’t a desperate emergency; he just had to drive out to Connecticut. Greg, I really like this guy. Please say a sick mother is a good enough excuse to forgive him, and believe he still can be into me.
Bobbie
Dear New Year,
Ah yes, here’s a bad excuse in sick mother’s clothing. Because still, no matter what, what he’s telling you is, “You’re not on my mind.” Because if you were, he would have called you expressing great regret at not being able to spend the day with you. If he had the time to pack and travel, he had the time to call you, and he chose not to. (You call it “forget.” I call it “chose not to.”) When you like someone, they don’t just slip your mind. Especially on New Year’s Day. I know it may seem like he had a good excuse, but sadly, I think your New Year started off with a big glass of “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Now nurse your hangover and find someone who won’t forget to call you.
The big question here is, “Is it okay for a guy to forget to call me?” I’m saying to you, “No.” Barring disaster—someone had to be rushed to the hospital, he was just fired from his job, someone keyed his Ferrari (kidding)—he should never forget to call you. If I like you, I don’t forget you, ever. Don’t you want the guy who’ll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you?
The “He Just Says Things He Doesn’t Mean” Excuse
Dear Greg,
I’m dating this guy who ends conversations saying he’ll call me at a certain time. Like, “I’ll call you over the weekend.” Or “I’ll give you a call tomorrow.” Or if he has to take a call on the other line, he promises, “I’ll call you back in a few minutes.” And then he doesn’t. He always ends up calling, but almost never when he said he would. Should I read something into this, or should I just know to ignore whatever he says when he’s getting off the phone with me?
Annie
Dear Call Waiting,
Yes, you should read something into it. In fact the very something is “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Here’s the deal. Most guys will say what they think you want to hear at the end of a date or a phone call, rather than nothing at all. Some guys are lying, some guys really mean it. Here’s how you can tell the difference: You know they mean it when they actually do what they said they were going to do. Here’s something else to think about: Calling when you say you’re going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can’t lay this one stupid brick down, you ain’t never gonna have a house, baby. And it’s cold outside.
We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don’t mean. We make promises we don’t keep. “I’ll call you.” “Let’s get together.” We know we won’t. On the Human Interaction Stock Exchange, our words have lost almost all their value. And the spiral continues, as we now don’t even expect people to keep their word; in fact we might even be embarrassed to point out to the dirty liar that they never did what they said they’d do. So if a guy you’re dating doesn’t call when he says he’s going to, why should that be such a big deal? Because you should be dating a man who’s at least as good as his word.
The “Maybe We’re Just Different” Excuse
Dear Greg,
I live with my boyfriend who doesn’t like to talk on the phone. So when he goes out of town, he won’t call me—even to let me know that he got there safely. He just won’t call me. He goes out of town fairly often for business. We fight about it all the time. Sometimes I think that our styles are just different, and I’m going to have to learn how to compromise. But then I think that if you’re into someone, you would want to call them and talk to them while you’re away from them. Am I crazy?
Rachel
Dear Not Crazy,
Unless you are dating a spy, this behavior is unwarranted. I travel for a living and find that I call my lady three or four times a day. However, sometimes because of time differences we don’t connect. But I will, and she will, always leave a message. I have to say, as a guy I never liked being told to call, which my wife really never does, and that’s why I call her as often as I do. We have no rules about calling, but we like and love each other to the degree that we want to talk daily, if not hourly. Listen, I do think space in a relationship is good. Missing someone is a sign of a healthy relationship. Not respecting your need to have some form of connection with him while he’s away is not. Regardless of his dislike for talking on the phone, he should respect and care for you enough to call you, if only because he knows that it will make you happy.
Yes, it seems like it’s just a machine that transmits voice waves over wires and comes in different styles, like cordless, cellular, handheld, and rotary, but the truth is, the phone has officially reached a new high in relationship symbolism. Is a phone call just a phone call, or is it really the almighty representation of how much he really cares about you? Probably somewhere in the middle. And a good man will know that and use this handy telecommunication device accordingly. E-mails need not apply.
The “But He’s Very Important” Excuse
Dear Greg,
You’re dumb. A guy who I’m going out with (who I asked out, Greg, by the way) is totally important and totally busy. He’s a music video director and travels and has long shoots and lots and lots of responsibilities. Sometimes when he’s working, I don’t hear from him for days and days. He’s really busy, Greg! Some guys are just really, really busy! Don’t you ever have really, really busy days? I’ve learned to live with it and not give him any shit, because I know that’s the price I pay for going out