Boundaries: Step Two: The Workplace. Jennie Miller

a tough time but I am getting anxious about my own workload. I need some headspace to focus on that.’

      Perhaps you are finding the current situation so frustrating, you have turned your flexible self-boundary into a solid brick wall. But it’s not healthy to be walled in as your bottled-up resentment will become toxic to you.

      To establish a better boundary, work to engage more consciously and with empathy both for the colleague and for yourself. Can you think back to a time when work was not smooth sailing for you?

      An alternative scenario might be an A-Lister turning to a colleague who moves across the Drama Triangle from Rescuer to Persecutor. They don’t offer hot lemon drinks and comforting words, but are quick to tell the Victim to ‘buck up’.

      Persecutors need to be aware of how much time they may spend in that relationship with an A-Lister. Even though they may not be voicing their frustration, a lot can be going on in their head, which could then come out at home after work when they offload to their partner. They will be more engaged with their A-Lister colleague than they believe (and possibly contributing to the unhappiness). Being empathetic, but taking a step back, will assist you in moving out of a Persecutor or Rescuer role.

      So, what sort of thing could you say to an A-Lister who is driving you mad?

      You could ask them: ‘What is it you need from me?’ This is inviting an open dialogue, rather than allowing yourself to have demands put upon you and instinctively wanting to push back.

      The A-Lister may not be able to respond immediately because you are asking them to think, not just feel. If this is the case, ask them to think about the question and what they would like from you, and give them some space to do that. When they come back you can then talk about what you are able to do.

      CASE HISTORY

      Property solicitor Carmen had been seeing Jennie about her divorce, but one morning spent the whole session complaining bitterly about a ‘moaning’ colleague, Alex, who was always too ill to do her fair share of the larger, more complex cases their business depended on. Carmen reflected how she had been initially sympathetic towards her colleague, but had become frustrated with the constant absences and lacklustre approach to detail.

      Carmen remembered the Drama Triangle and realised that when she was in her marriage, she had fallen into the position of Victim feeling persecuted by her ex-husband. To her surprise, Carmen realised she was now beginning to have Persecutor thoughts about Alex and wanted to address this.

      She was able to realise she had initially Rescued Alex – taking on the more difficult, time-consuming cases while dispensing advice and sympathy – but that had then progressed to her feeling angry, resentful and finally moving to full Persecutor mode.

      Carmen told Jennie she regretted moving from Rescuer (which felt nicer) to Persecutor (which reminded her of her ex-husband), but Jennie explained that neither position was superior as both reinforce the other person’s Victim status.

      Carmen chose to deal with her situation by asking Alex what she really needed help with. Her fellow solicitor went away to think about it and came back asking if she could officially reduce her working hours and be given less complex work as she found it too taxing.

      This opened up a dialogue about what could be done at work more generally, including Alex finding others in the organisation to give her support. Carmen could then decide for herself how involved she wanted to be.