just down the lane. It’s not that big, but it’s comfortable.’
‘I’m sure it’s lovely but—’
‘You’d be completely independent. You could come up to the farm during the day. My mother’s a very pleasant person.’
‘I’m sure she is, Vincent, but that’s not why …’
‘You just want to think about it.’
‘I do. And I’d need to talk to Rick.’
‘Of course. I’m sorry, Jenni. I didn’t mean to push you. But if you could let me know, either way.’
‘I will.’
I hung up, then sat staring at the computer screen again, seeing nothing. I raised my eyes to the shelf above my desk. Battling the Enemy Within – Regain the Confidence to be Yourself. I’d bought that book a year before, but still hadn’t summoned the courage to read more than a few pages. Nor had I even opened the one beside it, Transcending Fear – How to Face Your Demons.
I’d never faced my demons. I’d buried them, in the sand.
I heard Rick’s footsteps; then there he was in the doorway. ‘Are you okay, Jen?’ He smiled, trying to reassure me that things were fine, when we both knew they weren’t. ‘I heard you talking,’ he went on. ‘You sounded agitated.’ I told him about Vincent’s call. ‘But that sounds interesting. And it’s work.’ He lifted a pile of magazines off the armchair, put them on the floor then sat down. I could smell the scent of his cigarette. ‘Do you have much to do at the moment?’
‘No. I have to get the baby guide to the publisher by Thursday, then there’s nothing.’
Rick stretched out his long, lean legs. ‘So why aren’t you sure about this job?’
I couldn’t tell him the truth. I’d wanted to, many times, but the dread of seeing shock and disappointment in his eyes had stopped me. ‘It’s so … far.’
He looked puzzled. ‘But you went up to Scotland to do that memoir last year. We e-mailed and Skyped, didn’t we? It was fine.’ I nodded. ‘If you did this one, how long would you have to go for?’
‘The usual.’ I put the top on my pen. ‘A week to ten days.’
‘Well …’ He shrugged. ‘Perhaps it’s come up now for a reason. It might be good for us to have some time apart.’
‘So that we can get used to it. Is that what you mean?’ I dreaded hearing his answer, but I had to ask.
‘No, so that we have some breathing space, to think about everything. It could … help.’ He didn’t look as though he believed that it would. ‘So where exactly is Polvarth?’
‘It’s in south Cornwall, close to a fishing village called Trennick. It’s very small – just one long lane that leads down to a beach. At the other end of it there’s a farm.’ The Tregears’ farm, I now realised.
‘You’ve been there before?’
I nodded. ‘There are a few holiday homes, built in the Sixties.’ I pictured the one that we’d stayed in, ‘Penlee’. ‘There’s also a hotel.’ It had a big garden with a play area at the end of it with swings and a seesaw. ‘Just below the hotel is the beach. And on the cliff path behind the beach is a tea hut; or there was. Perhaps it’s gone now.’
‘When were you last there? You’ve never mentioned the place to me.’
‘I … forgot about it. I was nine.’ ‘So you went there with your mother?’ I nodded. ‘And was it a happy holiday?’ I didn’t answer. Rick exhaled loudly, clearly frustrated by the conversation. ‘Obviously not. Then perhaps you shouldn’t go – if it’s going to upset you it won’t be worth it. But you’re thirty-four, Jen. You’re not a child.’ He stood up, abruptly. ‘I think I’ll walk up to school: I’ve got to plan tomorrow’s lessons and I might as well do it there.’ His smile was tight. ‘Whether you go to Cornwall or not is your decision. See you later, darling.’
I wanted to throw my arms round him and implore him to stay. Instead, I sat perfectly still.
‘Yes,’ I said coolly. ‘See you later.’
After Rick had left, I sat at my desk, frozen with misery, as the daylight began to fade. The nights were drawing in. I dreaded the thought of another winter in the city.
I took the phone out of the cradle. ‘It’s my decision,’ I murmured. ‘I don’t have to do it.’ I tapped in Vincent’s number. ‘I don’t want to do it.’ My finger hovered over the button. ‘And I’m not going to do it.’ I pressed ‘call’.
The phone was picked up after three rings. ‘Hello?’
‘Vincent? It’s Jenni Clark again.’
‘Hello, Jenni. Thanks for phoning me back.’
‘Vincent …’ I steeled myself. ‘I’ve thought about it.’
‘Yes?’
‘I’ve also discussed it with Rick. And the thing is …’ My eyes strayed to the shelf. Transcending Fear. ‘The thing is … that …’
‘So … what have you decided?’
How to Face Your Demons.
‘I’ll come.’
The following Saturday I boarded the train at Paddington for Cornwall. The week had rushed by, with the final edits on the baby-care guide due. I was glad to finish the project and to stop thinking about babies. I’d then thrown myself into researching the Dutch East Indies and the Japanese occupation.
Rick and I hadn’t really discussed our problems again. In any case we’d hardly seen each other. He’d been busy at school with parents’ evenings, and he’d spent time at the gym. He was clearly avoiding being with me. But when we did finally talk, we decided that it would be better if we didn’t phone, text or Skype while I was away.
‘We need to find out how much we miss each other,’ Rick had said as he’d driven me to the station. ‘Perhaps that’ll give us the answer.’
‘Perhaps it will,’ I responded bleakly. I hated the uncertainty between us, but didn’t know what else to say.
On the train, I stowed my case in the luggage rack, then found my seat. Soon there was the slamming of doors, a shrill whistle, and the carriages began to creak and groan as we pulled out of the station. As we trundled though west London, my mind was in turmoil: my future with Rick hung in the balance, and I was heading for Cornwall, a place I’d shunned for twenty-five years. I’d been unable even to look at the county on a map without a stab of pain. Now, for reasons I didn’t even understand, I was going back.
Desperate to distract myself, I got out my laptop.
The Dutch East Indies was a colony that became Indonesia following World War II …
Through the window the urban sprawl had already given way to fields and coppiced hills that were tinged with gold.
Java lies between Sumatra to the west and Bali to the east … A chain of volcanic mountains forms a spine along the island … four main provinces …
Soon we were passing through the Somerset levels, where weeping willows lined the river banks. A heron shook out its wings then lifted into the air.
On 28 February 1942 the Japanese 16th Army landed at three locations on the coast of West Java; their main targets were the cities of Batavia (now Jakarta) and Bandung …
The