specific activities in advance with you and your children on the weekends, rather than always waiting until the last minute. You feel his resistance to this idea, his rebellion against feeling pinned down, and he responds by saying, “I don’t get what the big deal is about. Why do you always want to have things planned out all the time? Why can’t you be more spontaneous?”
Think for a moment – what would your answer be? Do you actually know why planning things in advance is so important to you, not just logistically but emotionally? Would you know how to express this to him? Much of the time, we aren’t sure why we want and need the things we do, and we reply to a man’s reluctance with vague statements like: “I can’t explain it,” or “Isn’t it enough that I tell you it’s important to me?” or, when we are really frustrated, “Just forget it – you obviously don’t care about how I feel.”
Believe it or not, your man is listening, but he is probably listening from his head, and not from his emotions. Your lack of what he considers a logical explanation leaves him to conclude, consciously or unconsciously, that there is no logical explanation for these needs of yours, that they are just another example of the way women get needy or whiney, and are never satisfied. Without information that can satisfy his brain, your partner may have a difficult time opening his heart to doing what it takes to make you happy. Instead, he will often dismiss your needs or requests as whimsical, irrational, and not deserving of serious attention.
Throughout this book, I’ve not only detailed what women want regarding love, intimacy, communication, and sex but WHY we want it, WHY it is important to us, WHY, because of who we are as women, certain kinds of behaviors from our male partners fulfill our most profound and essential needs. These explanations are just as important for you to understand as they are for men, and the information you’ll gain will make it much easier for you to successfully communicate with the person you love. So before you give this book to the man you love, please read and understand it for yourself!
HOW TO SHARE THIS BOOK WITH MEN
Earlier, I said that I wrote this book for you as a woman. And of course I also wrote it for men: any man who wants to be more successful at loving, pleasing, and living harmoniously with a woman. If you are presently in a relationship with a man and are reading these words right now, I must warn you about a temptation that will be difficult to resist – the temptation to thrust this book under his nose when he comes home tonight, or the next time you see him, and say: “Here … READ THIS! It explains everything I’ve been trying to tell you for years. Better yet, MEMORIZE IT!”
As enticing as this scenario might sound, it probably won’t be particularly effective in getting your loved one to want to read this book, and will only serve to alienate him further from the possibility. How do I know this? Men who’ve been the “victims” of my enthusiastic female fans and ended up cringing at the very sound of my name have confessed it to me, sometimes years later, when they finally recover from the trauma of hearing “Barbara says…” every five minutes!
I met such a man only a few weeks ago. I was waiting in line at a coffee store when I was approached by a friendly-looking guy in his thirties. “You’re Barbara De Angelis, aren’t you?” he asked. I told him I was, and he began to smile.
“I just had to come up to you,” he replied, “because I used to really hate you.” Noticing the look of distress on my face, he quickly continued. “I was in a relationship for two years with a woman who worshiped you. You were like her guru. She had ordered every tape and video you’ve made, she owned every book you ever wrote, and all I heard day and night was ‘Barbara said this’ and ‘Barbara thinks this about that,’ most of which, by the way, was that I was screwed up. Whenever we’d have an argument, I felt like I was in a fight with two people – my girlfriend and you! By the time we broke up, I was furious at you, and blamed you for all of my problems.
“I went through a year of disappointing dating experiences. Then, several months ago, a male friend of mine told me he’d just read a fantastic book about how to choose the right partner called Are You the One for Me? He read me a few passages on the phone one night, and everything he said made perfect sense and explained some of the mistakes I’d been making. ‘This sounds terrific,’ I told him. ‘Can I borrow the book?’ He agreed to lend it to me, and the next evening at the gym, he handed me a well-worn copy of Are You the One for Me? – with your picture on the cover! You can imagine my surprise when I found out this great book was written by the woman who had ruined my relationship with my girlfriend.
“Well, in spite of my prejudice, I did go home and read it. And of course I loved the book, and had to admit that my ex-girlfriend had been right – your stuff is great. I even called her up that week to tell her she wouldn’t believe whose book I was reading, and we had a really good conversation. So when I saw you here, I just had to come over and tell you that I don’t hate you anymore, and that actually, I think you’re wonderful!”
I gave this man a big hug, and thanked him for his delightful story. Would you be surprised if I told you that I’ve heard this same tale in different versions many times? It seems my readers, usually the female ones, sometimes use my books as intellectual weapons, and I become an unwitting ally in their attack on their partner’s behavior. Of course this approach never works, and I always feel regretful when I hear about it.
So here’s my request to you: If you are going to share this book with the man in your life, PLEASE SHARE IT LOVINGLY. Don’t shove it at him along with a sarcastic comment; don’t give it to him in the middle of an argument; don’t leave it on his pillow with a note attached that says: “You need this!” Come from a positive, instead of a negative, place, as if you’ve discovered a great treasure and want him to know about it, and he will be much more open to hearing what I have to say.
Here are some suggestions for getting your partner to read What Women Want Men to Know:
Perhaps you’re already thinking: “My partner will NEVER read this.” My response is: Don’t be so sure. I worked hard to make this book user-friendly for men, to explain things in ways that will make it easy for them to want to read more. Men know I like them,