Skulduggery Pleasant: Books 7 - 9. Derek Landy

      Valkyrie frowned at him. “We’re miles away.”

      “You don’t break into a palace through the back door, Valkyrie, especially not one like this. It is unlike any palace or castle ever built.”

      “So how do we get in?”

      “We exploit a strength,” he said, “and make it a weakness.” He led them over a wall between two buildings, and they hurried to a narrow door. Skulduggery snapped his palm against the air and the door flew open. Serpine went first, and Valkyrie heard a scream and a crash. By the time she ran in, Serpine had his hand over the mouth of Eliza Scorn and he was dragging her down to the cellar.

      “Baron Vengeous,” Serpine said, “is a man who likes things done a certain way. He likes his meals served on time, he likes his uniforms pressed just so, and he likes his houses built with secret passageways. Isn’t that right, Eliza?”

      Scorn sat in a straight-backed chair in the middle of the cellar and glared at him. “May the crows peck out your eyes,” she said.

      “Charming.”

      Were this cellar in any other part of the country, it would be dark and cold and lit with candles. But here, in the City, it was bright and warm and clean. It was also empty.

      “Is that why we’re here?” Skulduggery asked. “We’re going to sneak in through a secret tunnel? Then why aren’t we sneaking, Nefarian?”

      “Because I don’t know where the tunnel is, Skulduggery. And judging by the shackles around her wrists and ankles, I doubt Eliza will tell us, no matter how much pain we visit upon her. Martyrs are the most annoying of captives. Ah, how different things might be if I had this glove off...”

      Skulduggery threw the pain regulator’s black slate to Valkyrie. “Here. Use this if he takes longer than five seconds to answer a question.”

      Serpine held up his hands. “Ah-ah, don’t be so hasty! We’re waiting for Vengeous to get back. He never takes the surface route – it’s much too long. He always comes via his little secret passageway, which opens up somewhere in this cellar.”

      “We don’t have time to waste,” Skulduggery said. “We could shunt back at any moment. Where I’m from, we have a device we use for detecting tunnels.” He took out his phone, activated the screen, and started taking slow steps around the cellar with the screen held towards the floor. Valkyrie didn’t have a clue what he was doing, but she stayed quiet.

      Scorn glared at Skulduggery, then at Serpine. “The Faceless Ones will burn your soul for this.”

      Serpine gave a shrug. “Better a burnt soul than a fried mind.”

      “How dare you!” she screeched. “The Dark Gods opened my mind! They gifted me with enlightenment!”

      Valkyrie put a hand on Scorn’s shoulder, keeping her in her chair. “Keep calm, please. Serpine, don’t annoy her.”

      “I’m just talking,” Serpine said, his green eyes innocent. “It was one of Mevolent’s grand plans, opening a door for the Faceless Ones. A half-baked ritual he found in some obscure book of old magic. But the thing is, it worked. The door opened. The problem was that it didn’t stay open for more than a few seconds. It worked once, and never worked again. But in those few seconds, Eliza caught sight of something... and something caught sight of her.”

      “I looked into the face of a god,” she whispered, her eyes following Skulduggery.

      “And we all know what that does to you,” said Serpine. “When she stopped screaming, a few years later, she cut all her hair off and started walking around in chains. And by complete coincidence, that was exactly what Baron Vengeous was looking for in a woman.”

      “Be silent,” said Scorn.

      “The old ball and chain became the old bald-in-chains, and he’s never been happier.”

      Scorn flew at Serpine and he jumped back, laughing as she tripped over her own shackles and sprawled on the floor.

      Valkyrie tried helping her up. “Eliza, stop. He’s just trying to provoke you.”

      “Unhand me, filthy creature!”

      “Me? I’m just trying to be nice.”

      “Stop the filthy creature from speaking to me!”

      “Oh, for God’s sake...”

      Scorn pushed her away. “God? God? You know not what a true god looks like! You are a blasphemer! You may not gaze upon me!”

      “I know not? ” Valkyrie said. “Why do religious freaks talk like this? It’s always religious freaks and villains.” She frowned over at Serpine. “And how come she’ll let you gaze upon her but not me?”

      “Because I’m not a blasphemer,” Serpine replied, as Scorn rose to her knees and clasped her hands in muttered prayer.

      “Wait a minute,” Valkyrie said. “You still worship the Faceless Ones? Then why did you turn against Mevolent?”

      “Because he’s insane,” Serpine answered, “and ridiculous, and I thought I’d win. Why does anyone do anything?”

      Valkyrie blinked. “So you haven’t reformed?”

      “Why should I reform? You people are the ones in the wrong here.”

      Scorn nodded. “Filthy blaspheming creatures, that’s what they are. Their souls will be burned.”

      “Oh, shut up,” Valkyrie said.

      “Found it,” Skulduggery said. They all turned. He pointed at the wall next to him. “The tunnel starts here.”

      “Heathen!” Scorn screamed. She jumped up, ran forward and fell over, as expected. Skulduggery ignored her.

      “Despite all the distractions she barely took her eyes off me,” he said, “and every time I passed this area her mouth tightened. This is where she didn’t want me looking.”

      “So that device isn’t for detecting tunnels?” Serpine asked.

      Skulduggery returned his phone to his pocket. “No, it’s not. It’s for making calls and playing Angry Birds.”

      Scorn tried to get up off the floor but Valkyrie put a foot on her back. “Blasphemers! You’ll never find the lever!”

      “We don’t need it,” Skulduggery said. He placed his gloved hands on the wall and focused. After a few seconds, the whole thing started to tremble. Bricks cracked, crumbled, moved aside and fell, and the tunnel was revealed. He looked back at them. “Eliza, you’ve been a big help, but we can take it from here.”