like mad not to mention Drew. You know I wouldn’t hurt you for all the world, don’t you?’
‘I know. And, Kitty – I want you to talk about Drew. I don’t know how you can not talk about him. I used to talk to Daisy and Gracie all the time about Tim. They’d alibi me so I could meet him, you see.’
‘Y’mean you never took Tim home? Why ever not?’
‘Because Mother was like that. I suppose it’s the Russian in her; overprotective. And as for the Petrovska! Well, only a Romanov would have been good enough for me – if they’d never left St Petersburg, that is, and if that rabble hadn’t murdered the Czar-God-rest-him.’ She crossed herself devoutly, fluttering her eyelids, mimicking her grandmother. ‘But I wanted Tim the minute I saw him.’
‘Guess it was like that for Drew and me too. We’d grown up together – well, twice a year together, kind of – and then, after five years we meet at a crummy dockyard concert and Wham! Both of us! Suppose I realized it first. Drew was mad at me for showing too much. But what the heck – I was wearing a borrowed costume!
‘Guess there was a lot of me oozing out,’ she giggled, ‘but the other sailors just loved it! Drew was real mad at me, though, and said I was common, so I said I was sorry and all at once it came right.’
‘And was it marvellous, like for me and Tim?’
‘We-e-ll, Drew was a bit sniffy, but it was only because he didn’t like those sailors ogling me. In the end we went back to my digs. That was when we decided we’d fallen in love.’
‘And you stayed together all night?’
‘All night!’
‘Wish Tim and me could have.’
‘Poor Tatty. You never – not once?’
‘Yes, but not all night. I told him I loved him, but in Russian at first. Then we got to talking about me being too young to marry him and him thinking he mightn’t live long enough to wait for me – tail-gunners take a lot of flack, you know. Anyway, we decided it was going to happen between us and Tim said that when it did I wasn’t to worry. I wouldn’t have cared if I’d got pregnant though I suppose now it’s best I didn’t. When Tim was – was killed, my period was five days late, but it didn’t seem to register. I was too numb.’
‘You’d have been just fine, Tatty. The Clan would’ve stood by you.’
‘I know that. But imagine Mother trying to hide the shame of it in Holdenby – and as for Grandmother Petrovska! She’d have had me whipped! But Aunt Julia and Uncle Nathan would have been all right about it – I know they would. And I could have kept the baby. Grandfather Sutton left me Denniston House and some money, too.’
‘We were all very sad about Grandfather. When Aunt Julia wrote to tell us we just couldn’t believe it. Not so suddenly and cruelly, I mean. And we couldn’t get across for the funeral either. Pa was real cut up about it.’
‘Tim died the same night; probably about the same time, though it wasn’t Tim’s bomber that crashed on the village. It came down on the pike. I wish I knew how to ill-wish, Kitty. Those German pilots who shot up the aerodrome that night would be dead now if I could do it. D’you think I’m peculiar?’
‘Of course I don’t!’
‘The Petrovska thinks I am. She doesn’t like my Englishness. Uncle Igor is the better for knowing, though. We’ve got quite close lately. He told me things …’
‘What things?’ Kitty’s eyes sparked.
‘Oh, nothing like that!’ If only I could tell you, Kitty. If only I could tell anyone! ‘He told me things about living in St Petersburg before the revolution and the way life used to be for the rich. Sometimes I’m glad the Bolsheviks kicked them out!’
‘I reckon they call them Commies now,’ Kitty offered.
‘I know. But she still calls them Bolsheviks; the rabble, the great unwashed! I’m glad my mother married an Englishman, even though she wasn’t happy with him.’
‘She wasn’t?’ Kitty breathed. ‘Ooooh! Do tell.’
‘No! I mean – there’s nothing to tell. Not actually.’ Hell, she’d nearly let it slip! ‘What I meant was that she must have been unhappy, starting four babies and only me living. And it must have been awful, having Grandmother Clementina for a mother-in-law.’ Her cheeks burned. She must watch her tongue, in future! ‘But I don’t want to talk about them. Let’s talk about us and how glad I am you’re here, Kitty. It’s a shame you won’t be able to meet my airmen just yet.’
‘Your wounded pilots, you mean – the ones you take out?’
‘My burned aircrew, poor brave loves. Sam is getting over it a bit. He’s going to have hospital treatment soon; see if they can make him a new nose, he says – a better one.’
‘And the other one, Tatty?’
‘The other one – Bill – is the reason I can bear to talk about Tim; the reason why seeing you so happy with Drew doesn’t make me want to end it all.’
‘End it all! Gee, Tatty, don’t ever think of that!’
‘I wanted to, once. When I knew Tim really wasn’t coming back and after I realized I wasn’t going to have his baby. If there’d been a pill I could have swallowed – something not painful – I’d have taken it.
‘But now there’s Bill. I’m not in love with him – it’s nothing like that. But when I’m with him I can pretend he’s Tim. Bill’s got no features, really, and he was blinded. But his hair is like Tim’s hair and his accent, too. And he’s an air-gunner like Tim was.’
‘You mean that when you’re with him,’ Kitty breathed, ‘you act out a fantasy? Bill is Tim, really – is that what you’re trying to say? But, Tatty, that isn’t fair! Not to you nor to Bill! What if he falls in love with you? Or what if you fall in love with him?’
‘So you do think I’m peculiar? I knew you did!’
‘No I don’t, Tatty! I truly don’t! But what if your Bill is married, eh?’
‘He isn’t. He told me so. He hasn’t got parents, even. He’s got no one in the entire world! And now he’s blind! Well, at least he can’t see his poor face!’
Tears filled her eyes, then ran unchecked down her cheeks and Kitty was at her side in an instant, holding her tightly, rocking her, hushing her.
‘Don’t cry. Please don’t cry, Tatty. Heck, if only I could do something – anything! I can’t bear to see you like this! Please, honey, don’t upset yourself.’
‘I’m not upset. And I was fine till I told you. My own fault, I suppose, for even allowing myself to think Bill could be Tim. I tell myself that Tim is dead, but the minute I see Bill, hear his voice, take his arm – because he can’t see, so I have to – then it’s Tim I’m with. But sometimes I want him so much, Kitty, I feel real pain! He isn’t a prisoner of war, or even missing. He’s dead! It’s so cruel and uncaring and – and final!’
‘Tatty, what am I to say to you? There’s nothing I can do to help. I’d do it if I could. But if you want to go on with your fantasies, then I hope I’m there for you when the bubble bursts and you have to accept it isn’t Tim.’
Now Kitty was weeping but for whom she did not know. For Tatty, was it, and Tatty’s tearing grief? Or was it for herself, because she was too happy and couldn’t even begin to imagine how it would be if one day a telegram came to Rowangarth and Aunt Julia had to tell her? Oh, please not Drew.
They held each other tightly, then Tatiana pulled away, sniffing loudly.
‘You look a mess, Kitty Sutton. Your mascara’s run all down your cheeks. Serves