in the drawer. Also in the drawer are your condoms (see chapter 8) so that they’re within easy reach. If you don’t have a drawer, then make sure you find some sort of small hinged container, even if it’s a cigar box, with a top that flips up easily. Who wants to fumble around in the heat of passion? That’s for amateurs.
Your drawer may also contain one or more toys (see chapter 11) and a clean washcloth or face towel. Women often have a box of tissues by their beds, which they might think is a perfectly fine way to sop up semen. Save the tissues for blowing your nose. Semen is sticky and, let’s face it, a guy feels pretty ridiculous having tissues stuck to his penis after sex. What’s more, it’s nearly impossible to remove tissue bits after they dry. If you insist on the tissues, get Puffs Plus with Aloe because they’re not as abrasive. Good gay etiquette, however, insists on the washcloth or face towel. A soft terry cloth is a lot nicer on sensitive skin. It won’t stick, and you can toss it back into the drawer after you’re done. Just remember to wash it the next day.
Before the action starts, bring along a glass of ice water and place it on the nightstand. Certainly you can sip the water periodically to wet your whistle during oral interludes, but there are other advantages as well. Having a few ice cubes within reach comes in handy for sensuous foreplay on neck, mouth and nipples. If you’re feeling adventurous, there are guys who swear that a small ice cube in their bottom is a fabulous novelty when inserted just before orgasm. A word of caution: Make sure the ice has melted down to a reasonably small size, because crisp edges on the cube are definitely a no-no.
Light switches should, obviously, be accessible to accommodate different tastes and moods. The romance of candles is marvelous, with good lighting to boot. But if something catches fire it can be a real downer, so use candles in glass holders. Gay guys have a penchant for Rigaud.
Finally, unless you’re planning on inviting over a bunch of guys to watch the Super Bowl, we highly recommend that your VCR and TV be visible from the bed. Not only is luring him onto the bed to watch Friends a good way to make it happen, but who knows what might be in store if you just happen to have a naughty little video set up in the VCR beforehand (see chapter 11)? It goes without saying that a remote control is an absolute necessity.
Since you and Mr. Stiffy are going to become very close friends, we thought you’d want to know a bit about his background: where he comes from, his likes and dislikes, his thoughts, his aspirations. So here it is: everything you should know about penises, but no straight man would tell you.
Straight guys may say this to a buddy when they run into each other at their local alehouse. What do they mean? Probably it’s just another way of saying “How are you doing,” but because men are obsessed with their penises, they’ll find any excuse to slip them into the conversation under veiled pretenses. If it’s hanging low, that probably means that they’ve gotten laid recently, and therefore, they’re doing pretty well. If it’s high and tight, it means they’ve been a little stressed and need to get boffed. Mind you, men don’t actually say these things, but that’s the underlying meaning of “How’s it hanging?”
Just where does it hang? For one thing, not all penises actually do hang. Most men, however, can definitely tell you which side of the zipper their manshaft lives on. It’s sort of like being right- or left-handed; it just seems to prefer one side naturally. Maggie thought that “it” usually went down the side of a guy’s pant leg, and Danny said, “Only if you’re lucky.”
For your purposes, you need never ask your partner how he’s hanging, but you will need to understand a little about the psychology of penises if you want your friendship with Mr. Stiffy, regardless of whom he’s attached to, to last. All men, straight or gay, are concerned about the size of their rod. Straight guys may not want to admit it, but they’re size queens, too. Even though studies show that men often overestimate the size of their johnson, every guy knows exactly how long his is, usually to within the millimeter. When your partner drops a line that lets you know that he’s obsessed with his penis or, rather, how obsessed he is, you’ll have to be subtle and encouraging. Don’t, for example, start laughing and say something like. “If that’s seven inches, then the ceilings in here must be twenty feet high.” He will never forget this; he may even plot your death. Remember that penises come in an amazing variety of sizes, shapes and styles, and that they all have something to offer you as your new friend.
Men seem to become obsessed with their penises from about birth on. We all remember a three-year-old nephew or a neighbor’s kid casually watching TV and diddling with his fiddle at the same time. Although many men would probably love to recall their first erection, they were probably too young to have any recollection at all. What they do remember, however, is the first appearance of pubic hair and their first wet dream. And yes, by the way, grown men can have wet dreams, but that usually means they really need to get it bad. The arrival of pubic hair and wet dreams is unbelievably shocking and embarrassing.
One guy we know was so proud of one of his early erections that be stuck a little gold star on the tip, covering the opening. Unfortunately for him, the star had a remarkably strong adhesive. Convinced that he was going to explode and die from never being able to pee again, the poor lad finally had to show his dad, a physician who ended up removing the star with a surgical knife. Just the thought of someone approaching the penis with a sharp instrument is enough to set most guys trembling. Actually having had this experience must be another matter altogether. So even though you may want to give a gold star to your newfound friend, Mr. Stiffy, we don’t recommend actually placing it on him. Besides, you’re the one who’ll be getting the gold star—or gold bracelet, necklace, you name it—for knowing so much about him!
Perhaps the most important thing for you to know is the difference between growers and show-ers. Some gay men, feeling pretty evolved about their erections, may say in conversation, “I’m a grower, not a show-er.” This is their way of letting a potential partner know that that tiny little thing in their underwear actually gets a lot bigger when it’s aroused. By some cruel twist of nature, some men are blessed with penises that look fairly large all the time, and only get a little bigger when erect. Some men have teeny-weeny peenies that get amazingly larger, and some poor guys have teeny-weenies that stay pretty teeny all the time.
The grower/show-er conundrum is especially sensitive for men, since they are often in situations where other men will see their equipment, beginning with high school gym class and later in bathrooms, at the gym, or at a friend’s poolside cabana. To put it simply, show-ers are the men who never wear a towel around their waist in the locker room, and growers are the ones who always wear a towel. And even though they know that their own Mr. Stiffy can get just as big as that show-er next to them in the shower, it’s a source of constant anxiety.
While most American men are circumcised these days, many men in the rest of the world are not. Contrary to what many guys will tell you, circumcision does not reduce penis size; there’s just a little bit less