broken. Even if you can’t see it right now, if you’ve broken up, at least one person in your relationship knows it deep down. And if he ended it, that means he doesn’t want to try to fix it either.
The hard truth is that breakups are sink-or-swim. Some people spend their whole life in an emotional downward spiral because they can’t get over lost love. Others, most notably you, use it as a turning point to reevaluate, rebuild, and possibly redecorate (we weren’t kidding about the living room). Bottom line: This can be a breakup or a breakover. It’s up to you.
“Who are you to give me advice?” you shout, disrupting the other customers in the bookstore. “Why should I listen to you guys or even read any further, for that matter?” Keep it down, Crazypants, everyone’s looking at you now. Here’s who we are. We’re two people who have both experienced truly self-esteem-crushing, spirit-breaking, gut-wrenchingly painful breakups of which we were on the receiving end. Let’s just say they were stinky and they also sucked and they made us want to lie in bed for the rest of our lives. Thank God we didn’t make that choice. (Just think of the bedsores and long, curling fingernails we’d have by now.) Those breakups led to what we like to think of as our happy marriage. (Don’t worry—you won’t be hearing about our marriage every ten pages. There is nothing worse than self-satisfied married people telling you how it is. We just think it’s significant that our worst experiences led to what we ultimately think of as our best. ’Nuff said?)
This is a different book from He’s Just Not That Into You. That book was designed specifically to help you figure out when your relationship was going nowhere or whether your boyfriend was, well, into you. But we know that even when you realize he’s just not that into you, the hardest part can still be getting up the courage to end the relationship and move on. Breaking up is scary, painful, disruptive, and traumatic—even if you know on some level that it’s the right thing to do—so It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken is designed to help you not only get out of an unsatisfying relationship but also get over it so that you can be ready for the better things in life that are coming your way. At the end of the day, it’s about whether YOU like yourself enough to face the reality that your romance wasn’t working, to recognize that it wasn’t giving you what you needed and deserved, and to pull yourself out of the dumps and seize the opportunity before you. Because as messed up as everything seems right now, this could be the single best thing that’s ever happened to you.
That’s right—even better than when you got your first apartment, found those Gucci stilettos on sale, won the Oscar for best actress, or whatever appears on your own personal highlight reel. Think about it this way:When you and your ex got into this relationship, you were two brand-new sports cars driving side by side. You were sleek, desirable, sexy, and confident, and the ride was exhilarating. After a while you zigged when he zagged, you weren’t driving the same speed anymore, one of you was always trying to catch up, and eventually you crashed and totaled the cars. When the insurance paid out, one of you decided to buy a new car instead of fixing the totaled one. For those of you who don’t own cars, the translation of this metaphor is that you and your ex (or soon-to-be ex) no longer share the belief that the relationship is worth fixing. One of you wants a new car altogether. And besides, who wants a relationship that despite attempted repairs always stalls when you try to shift gears? Not you.
It’s called a breakup because it’s broken, and in the pages ahead you will come to learn that that’s actually a good thing. So read on, breakup warrior! From adversity comes greatness. Life’s biggest rewards come from the biggest challenges, or something like that. Many of us have found the road to a better life and a truer love in the face of some serious heartbreak. Some of us even happened to have pens handy to write down catchy proverbs to help inspire or annoy you in your time of need. So let’s dive in already, because there’s nothing more annoying than a self-help book full of nothing but proverbs! We’ve done our best to make this book so much more.
The format includes a question-and-answer section, work-book exercises, firsthand stories from our own breakups, and a little thing we like to call the Psycho Confessional, which is where you can turn when you need an “At least I’m not doing that bad” boost to your self-esteem. The questions and examples in this book have come not only from our own experiences, but also from those of our friends and our extensive breakup survey, where well over 500 people shared the gory details of their sad but true breakups with us. You’ll be glad they did. And now let’s turn the page and start the process of finding our way back to an even more rocking you.
WHAT IF YOU’RE STILL TOGETHER?
Just because you know that your relationship is no good doesn’t make the process of ending it any easier. Even if you have reached the realization that he’s just not that into you, you’re just not that into him, or you’re mutually not that into each other, that doesn’t mean that you’ve been successful at pulling the trigger. We know that, and in fact have both been guilty of letting dead-end relationships linger on way past their shelf life because the task of ending them was just too difficult. It’s hard to have the courage to walk away from the comfort of a relationship, even a bad one, and be alone for what may be a while. What’s more, it’s easy to find reasons not to end it: I don’t want to have to look for another apartment, I don’t have the money to be on my own, I won’t have a date to my cousin’s wedding, I can’t stand the thought of him being with anyone else.
But here’s the thing to remember: Wasting time in a relationship that blows is just that—wasted time. Time that could be spent looking for and meeting the person who’s destined to be your perfect match. Ultimately, there’s no benefit to hanging on—you’re merely procrastinating and delaying the inevitable. Staying in a relationship that’s on life support isn’t going to bring it back to life. “But how will I get over it?” We’ll help you get over it—that’s what this book is all about. So do the both of you a favor and end it. Pick up the phone right now and tell him you need to talk. Pull the plug already and come with us on the road to the bigger, brighter future that awaits.
(Or, How the Hell Did a Kick-Ass Lady Like Myself End Up in This Agonizing Nightmare?)
INT. HIS APARTMENT—NIGHT
An attractive couple, late twenties, sit on the couch in front of a burning fire. The setting is romantic. He gets up and paces nervously, taking a swig from his bottle of beer.
HIM
There’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.
She expectantly puts down her wineglass and checks that her lips are appropriately glossed for the big moment.
YOU
We can talk about anything. That’s why we’re so perfect together.
He paces in front of her, searching for the right words.
HIM
It’s just that…we’ve been together for a while now. And I always have a great time with you…
YOU
I know, it’s like we were made for each other!
HIM
You’re a really special person, and someday you’ll make the perfect wife…
YOU
(excitedly) Yes???
He squats down in front of her and grabs both her hands. She can hardly believe it’s about to happen…
HIM
…Just not for me. I think we should see other people…
She clearly didn’t hear him, as she interrupts him…
YOU
I’d