Your First Grandchild: Useful, touching and hilarious guide for first-time grandparents
who are within call this is an ideal time to help, especially by responding to requests. Please don’t make the mistake many do of assuming that you must leave them and not interfere – that it’s a time for them to get to know their baby and bond as a new family. It may be that they want to be left alone, but do make sure. I’ve often heard such wails as: ‘Oh, if only our parents had helped us in the first two or three weeks. We felt so alone. I hadn’t got my full strength back and he (the partner) was so irritable all the time. We just kept quarrelling about what was the right thing to do’ and ‘I did wish her Mum had popped round more often. We could have done with catching up on some sleep just at the beginning.’
It is obviously easier for grandparents to offer help to a single parent because they can feel pretty sure of being needed and there’s no danger of irritating their son or daughter’s partner. In fact, just because there are two parents doesn’t mean that the partner may not also welcome a bit of help. In the lucky but unusual case of two sets of grandparents being available, then co-operation between them can divide the load, prevent any feeling of being left out, and make for closeness between the older couples. Looking after new infants is tiring enough for young parents, but is especially so for those not in the first flush of youth. One new mother commented that the best thing her mother and mother-in-law did was to come round alternately every day to let her go to bed for a couple of hours. Sleep deprivation is a serious strain on new parents and not to be underestimated, so any help that allows them to catch up on some rest can be invaluable.
For the new parents this baby is the be-all and end-all of their world, so it is important for them to feel that, in spite of your busy and active life, you are prepared to shelve anything that’s possible in order to lend them a hand. It may not appear particularly relevant to them if you refuse a plea for help because you have to go to a party! A reasonable degree of self-sacrifice is necessary at this crucial time. Help may also be welcome with the chores that need to be done for the sake of good hygiene, but mean time spent away from their baby – like washing the kitchen floor, cleaning the loo or clearing out the fridge. If, physically, you are not up to these tasks, just sitting there holding the baby and lending a sympathetic ear can be just as helpful.
Again, as with anything else, don’t be afraid to ask what the parents might like to have done for them. This way they won’t feel that you’re trying to ‘take over’. It’s best to establish right from the beginning that you will tell them honestly if it is impossible for you to come at any particular time. That way they won’t be afraid to make requests and will be less likely to take offence if you can’t oblige. To start with too high a level of assistance, which you cannot sustain, can cause misunderstandings and disappointment on both sides. Honesty is undoubtedly the best policy.
Top 10 Gifts for Young Babies
It can be quite irritating for parents to be given 25 teddies for their newborn when so many useful and stimulating toys are now available for young babies. Of course, you’ll want to buy things, but it’s probably a good idea to check with the parents first to see what they have already bought or been given. I know one proud grandmother who turned up with a large, expensive baby bouncer, only to find that the parents had just been out to buy one exactly the same. You might consider buying:
A baby gym – an activity frame that you put over the baby as it lies on its back
A mobile: preferably a ‘Stim Mobile’ with bold black-and-white graphics that the young baby’s eyes can easily see
A musical light show: a wind-up ‘son et lumière’ that projects a moving display of pictures on the ceiling or wall to the accompaniment of soothing music
Books or cards with stimulating bright geometric patterns: newborns can focus more easily on patterns with marked contrasts and are usually fascinated by them
A wobble globe: a kind of rattle on a sucker that can be fixed to flat surfaces and is a great distraction during nappy changes
A sound and texture toy: for instance, the octopuses/snakes that are made out of variously textured materials, and make different noises: rattles, squeaks, etc.
Jack-in-the-box: from birth babies love ‘now you see it, now you don’t’ toys
Stacking cups: a classic and inexpensive toy that will be played with throughout babyhood
Activity mat: a soft, brightly coloured mat boasting a range of attractions for babies – from mirrors to dials and flaps
Activity centre: a similar multi-activity toy that encourages the baby to press, pull, look and listen
‘My mother was a nightmare just after Elly was born. She kept coming round with friends and neighbours for them “just to take a little peek at my grandchild”. She never seemed to think that it might be an awkward time or that there were other things that needed to be done. They’d stay for hours and I’d end up having to make tea for them all and falling behind with everything else. If it hadn’t been for Roy’s dad, I think I’d have gone mad. He was really helpful. He did my shopping all the time, brought us in takeaways and he even changed Ellie’s nappies once or twice. I told him that he really is a New Man!’
Breastfeeding – the Big Issue!
Try to be as supportive as possible of the mother’s breastfeeding. Recent research has shown that ‘breast is best’, offering an instant, perfectly balanced diet for the new baby, which enhances the infant’s immune system and seems also to decrease the chances of the child developing allergies and certain other illnesses in later life. It can also strengthen the mother-child relationship and seems to give enormous satisfaction to the baby, who may find instant and reliable comfort from the breast.
But breastfeeding isn’t always easy at first. The baby may seem to refuse the breast, have difficulty ‘latching-on’ properly, or nipple suck, causing pain and distress to the mother. If this is the case, rather than try to dissuade her from continuing, you might suggest that she ask the nurse, midwife or health visitor to advise her on positioning the baby correctly at the breast, changing breasts and other such helpful solutions. If you breastfed, you may be able to offer this advice yourself; but if you didn’t, the kindest thing you can do is to support and encourage her, rather than make her feel that she has in some way failed. Breastfeeding is a very emotive issue, and the feeling that she cannot feed her baby can deeply disturb a mother and knock her confidence.
Of course there are women who may not be able to or do not wish to breastfeed. The choice must lie with the mother. It is her body and only she can decide what is possible and practicable for her.
So whatever route she chooses – breastfeeding or bottle-feeding, it is best to be as positive as possible to the parents and be careful not to increase any anxieties that they may have. After all, lots of healthy, happy and strapping people were reared on the bottle (and I don’t mean gin!) and lots on the breast. Remember the old saying:
And still the baby thrives and grows, and how it does, God only knows!
Bottle-feeding – the Routine
Even if you did it with your own children, bottle-feeding can be rather daunting. The sterilizing, the mixing, the warming – it can all be too much like a science exam (with the parents as invigilators!). But, happily, it needn’t be like this. Once you are in the routine, it will be as easy as riding the proverbial bicycle. Wash your hands thoroughly, then:
1 WASH THE