feelings are not managed well, they can wield enormous unpredictable power. Sometimes it is good fun and exciting to allow our hearts to rule our heads, but generally in the everyday course of our lives we need to exercise skills that keep ‘the upper hand’ on our emotions. If children have been taught how to keep this kind of control, they will, for example, be able to:
– trust themselves better because they will not be worried that they will act unpredictably
– take on more challenges and risks because they can manage their fear, anxiety and frustration
– grieve healthily because they will not be afraid that their sadness will envelop and depress them forever
– cope effectively with confrontation and defend themselves from abuse, because they can use the energy of their anger in constructive ways
– allow themselves to be spontaneous and ‘let their hair down’ on occasions when they want to relax, because they do not fear that they may ‘go over the top’
– waste energy torturing themselves with guilt when they experience quite natural negative emotions such as jealousy and irritation (instead they will find constructive ways of containing and controlling these feelings)
– seek out experiences and relationships which give them deep joy, love and happiness, because they do not feel overwhelmed by passion
What is super confidence?
This is the term I use to describe the kind of confidence which is constructed from all the above components and, as I said earlier, has some indefinable ‘extra’ quality. The additional strength and power of Super Confidence derives from the continual supportive interaction between its inner and outer parts.
This is the kind of confidence which the idealist in me would love all children to have developed before they leave the protection of the nest. The realist in me knows, however, that the goal for most parents must be to give their children a ‘good-enough’ measure of both inner and outer confidence – plus, very importantly, the belief that they
Give your children a ‘good-enough’ measureof both inner and outer confidence
themselves can build on these foundations and eventually acquire the ‘super’ version for themselves in their adult life.
When as parents we are trying to lay down the foundations of confidence for our children, I think it is important to remember that we need to achieve a good balance between the inner and outer elements. Very often certain parts get developed at the expense of others. Unfortunately, in many ambitious families and schools, for example, too much emphasis may be put on the outer confidence skills. I recently read with interest that Joe Kennedy, the father of the late American president John F. Kennedy, would say to his children:
‘It’s not what you are that counts,
it’s what people think you are.’
Perhaps this kind of philosophy was in part responsible for his sons’ problems in finding personal peace, in spite of their considerable skills in the area of outer confidence. I have met very many outwardly successful people who have also learned to behave in such a cool, controlled manner that you would find it hard to believe that they are secretly wasting a lot of precious time and energy worrying about whether they will be liked or loved, whether they will be able to ‘do it’ or ‘say it’, wondering whether they have made ‘the perfect decision’ or kicking themselves for having hurt the feelings of an aggressive bully.
In contrast, there are also children who may be full of inner confidence but fail to communicate their strengths to the rest of the world. Others may never know how clear and strong the beliefs and ideas of such people actually are, because they are rarely proffered, and these people may never be given the ‘plum opportunities’ which they know they deserve, simply because their presence is hardly noticed. And, because they have never learned how to make the best use of their inner confidence, they continually under-achieve and may subsequently become bored, disheartened and depressed.
‘I went to parents’ evening last week and was shocked to hear what the class teacher said. She wondered whether someone at home was helping Peter with his Maths homework. She said she found it difficult to believe that he could produce such a high standard of written work when in class he never seemed to know any of the answers when he was asked.
‘I was shocked because firstly, we would never actually “do” his homework for him and, secondly, we don’t need to. He usually finds it too easy – in fact he’s probably better than me at Maths now. He knows he’s really good and is already far ahead of his brother who is in the year above him. When I asked him why he doesn’t speak up in class when he knows the answer he says he can’t be bothered. I know he finds the lessons boring and says he doesn’t like Maths anyway now. It seems such a pity because that has always been his strong area.
‘He’s always been a shy boy – though not at home or with his friends. He clams up if you take him out anywhere where adults are. He’s like a different boy.’
How is confidence acquired and lost?
Nature or nurture?
Are some of us born lucky? Do some children arrive in the world with a genetic predisposition towards being confident? Many people still believe that they do. They talk about children being ‘born shy’ or ‘born leaders’. To some extent, they are right. We all arrive in the world with a predisposition to develop certain personality traits which are often divided broadly into the categories of behaviour styles – extrovert and introvert – and one could argue that, in our modern competitive culture, the more outgoing children are the more likely they are to thrive both socially and intellectually. But no doubt you have met, as indeed I have, very many ‘quietly confident’ people who are exceptions to this rule. So, although an inheritance of ‘extrovert’ genes may be an asset for some children, it certainly brings no guarantee of sound self-confidence. In fact, I am convinced that each one of us arrives in the world with a more or less similar ‘starter-package’ of basic confidence ingredients, and that we all have the personal potential to build on these foundations. In the first few weeks of life every baby I have had contact with has appeared to have good self-esteem, a positive outlook and the will (if not very sophisticated skills) to ask for what he or she wants. I only wish I could say the same of every five year old child I have met.
Such basic observations (plus of course a few years’ acquisition of more sophisticated wisdom!) have left me totally convinced that, with regard to confidence: it is not so much who we are when we are born that counts, but who we are encouraged and allowed to become.
So, the basic assumption underlying this book is that it is how we are nurtured rather than our inherited nature that is important to the development of confidence. And it is the quality of that nurturing which determines our ability to hold on to the precious sense of self-esteem we had at birth and build on our potential to become Super Confident adults.
It is not so much who we are when we are bornthat counts, but who we are encouragedand allowed to become
Nowadays the ‘nurturing’ process of children is a very lengthy and complicated process, and certainly parents do not have the sole responsibility for its progress. Children are ‘brought up’ and critically influenced not just by mothers and fathers but a seemingly endless list of other people such as childminders, teachers, youth leaders, sports coaches, step-parents – not to mention TV presenters, rock stars and advertising executives! However, in most children’s lives I believe that it is still Mum and Dad (natural or otherwise) who wield the most influential guiding power. I certainly have yet to meet anyone lacking in self-confidence whose problems cannot be traced back in some degree to ‘deficient’ parenting. No doubt in taking this line I am preaching to the converted, because dedicated opponents