And God Created the Au Pair. Pascale Smets

tests and one was told he wasn’t going to be doing the highway part of the test as his driving wasn’t safe enough. This is a bloke whose hobby is driving across continents. Michael much soothed by suffering of his colleagues.

      

      From: Nell Fenton

      To: Charlotte Bailey

      

      I SIMPLY CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE IT. I have failed my fucking driving test, and not only have I failed, but I failed before I got out of the driving-test car park. This was because there was a stop sign, and road was completely clear so I slowed the car to a standstill but didn’t actually stamp down on the brake and give the instructor a whiplash injury with my ‘stopping’. To make it a worse torture I was 99.9% sure I had managed to fail before getting onto the road, but a tiny unquenchable flame of optimism continued to burn in my breast till the bitter end so it was still a blow when he told me. He was quite nice actually and sat quite patiently listening to the stream of expletives with which I greeted the news. I absolutely refuse to take that test again so shall now drive illegally. I am a far better driver than most Canadians, they have no concept of obeying the overtaking rules on the highway so it’s the most alarming free-for-all and they have loads of awful accidents.

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Nell Fenton

      

      Fuck a stoat. Would definitely fail my driving test if I took it now. This morning reversed v publicly (& hard) into post outside Ellie & Maddie’s school. Fran EXTREMELY sympathetic about you failing your test and says this proves the fact that perfectly good drivers (like herself) can fail.

      

      From: Nell Fenton

      To: Charlotte Bailey

      

      Hamsters are possibly the worst pets in the world. Gave in to the children’s desperate pleas to have the cages in their bedrooms though it seemed very unhygienic and disgusting to me. Not only are they utterly boring all day, being fast asleep, they are then highly active and noisy all night, running endlessly on their bloody hamster wheels, so they are now banished to the basement. They also nip you all the time so I have bought the children cotton gloves to handle them but so far no luck persuading Rob to pick his up. So my plan that he would gain confidence and learn to love his little furry companion has been remarkably unsuccessful and if he is ever going to even touch the vile little creature, I am going to have to tame it for him, and animal lover that I am I believe perhaps rodents are my very favourite.

      

      What should I get Maddie for her b’day?

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Nell Fenton

      Re: Maddie’s birthday

      

      I’m having a little dressing table with fairy lights round the mirror made for her. Have been very crafty all week threading brightly coloured love beads onto florist wire, to make flowers to go round light. Looks lovely so far but have loads more to do & v time-consuming. You could get some accoutrement to go with the dressing table, anything as long as it’s pink or glittery.

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Nell Fenton

      Re: birthday preparations out of control

      

      I have abandoned all pretence of looking after children & doing housework in favour of getting ready for Maddie’s birthday party this w/e. She is having a kings & queens party. Albert who dropped in to fix a leaking tap ended up making her a fabulous throne from a kitchen chair and some MDF. Meanwhile, in between making sodding wire flowers (why did I ever start?), I’ve been sewing 2 royal dresses and a prince’s outfit for Hugh, also one very sumptuous red velvet cloak lined with purple satin trimmed with what would have been ermine if I hadn’t got Dan to do the black dots on the white fur, not so much dots as great big walnut-sized splodges. Really annoying as now the cloak looks like it is trimmed with Dalmatian. Am now on the home run, making drawstring satin party bags while bewildered Ana Frid has been instructed to substitute ironing with cutting out golden crowns from cardboard for children to decorate with stick-on jewels when they arrive. Had to have jewels sent express as had ordered them too late to be on time for party, might as well have bought real emeralds, the amount they’re costing.