‘I’m sorry, love. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.’
‘I should think so too, but it isn’t just me who deserves an apology.’
Doug looked up, swallowed, then said, ‘Sorry, Gertie.’
‘That’s all right. You’re obviously under a lot of strain, and maybe you just needed to release a bit of anger.’
‘It’s the things I’ve seen, ships going down, men drowning before we could pick them up, horrible, terrible things.’
‘Oh, Doug,’ Hilda cried, running to kneel by his side.
Gertie couldn’t watch and quietly she went out of the back door. It’s a shame it wasn’t Doug’s ship that went down, she thought, then was immediately appalled with herself. How could she think like that? It was disgusting, dreadful – but nevertheless the thought wouldn’t go away.
Hilda didn’t have any nightmares while Doug was there, but he did, his sleep often broken as he would suddenly sit bolt upright, crying with horror in the night. She had of course forgiven him for his outburst over Gertie. More so now that she was seeing the evidence of what he had been through and, anyway, maybe he did have reason to be suspicious. Oh, not of her, but of Gertie.
Perhaps it was time to leave Somerset, to go back to London. As soon as Doug left in the morning, she’d put out feelers and write to Mabel to see if it was safe. Of course there’d be the problem of finding somewhere to stay. With so many houses destroyed, accommodation was short, but surely she’d be able to find something, even if it only had one room for now.
Hilda snuggled closer as she lay in Doug’s arms, her three weeks of happiness almost over.
‘The time has gone so fast and I can’t believe you’ll be leaving in the morning.’
‘I know, but come on, let’s make the most of our last night together.’
Hilda gave herself up to his lovemaking, and when it was over they were lying peacefully when she told Doug what was on her mind. ‘I’m so fed up here. I hate being in the middle of nowhere and might go back to London.’
‘I’m not going to argue with you, but you’ve got to think about Ellen and whether it’s safe.’
‘I know that, Doug, and I wouldn’t be daft enough to put our daughter at risk.’
‘I’d feel better if you stay here.’
‘I thought you didn’t like us living with Gertie.’
‘I don’t mind, love. I was mad to think there was anything going on between you.’
‘Yes, you were. I don’t fancy women, Doug. In fact, I don’t fancy other men. There’s only you.’
‘And you’re the only woman for me,’ he said, hugging her.
‘I thought sailors had a girl in every port.’
‘Not me, but I can only speak for myself. I don’t know about the rest of the crew.’
‘You’d better not be unfaithful,’ Hilda warned.
‘I wouldn’t dare. You’d have my guts for garters,’ he said, then yawned widely. ‘Let’s hope I get a night of unbroken sleep for once.’
‘I dunno about that. I might just wake you for another bit of nooky.’
‘You’re insatiable,’ he said, grinning widely. ‘Oh, well, there’s nothing else for it. I’ll just have to wear you out now. That should stop your games.’
‘Ooh, yes, please,’ she said cheekily, yet as Doug bent to kiss her, Hilda felt another surge of sadness. With Ellen diving in on them every morning, this would probably be the last time they could make love – the last time she would be totally alone with her husband – and now she struggled against tears.
In the early hours of the morning, Gertie was still awake too. She could hear the noise coming from Hilda’s room. Every night had been the same, while Gertie lay with her stomach churning, longing for it to stop. At least it was the last night, she thought, and Doug would be gone in the morning.
Maybe, just maybe, now that Doug had planted the seed of the idea, Hilda might actually turn to her; after all, a woman without a man must grow frustrated. You’re a fool, an idiot, Gertie told herself as she turned over to thump her pillow. Hilda was normal and would never be attracted to someone of the same sex. But I’m not – I’m not! Gertie cried inwardly. In my mind I’m a man, yet cursed with this body of a woman.
At last, after a restless few hours’ sleep, Gertie woke early, pleased to find that Ellen was no longer beside her in bed. She smiled. Good. The girl had probably gone to her parents’ room and that would put paid to any more lovemaking.
It was over. Doug was going, and she couldn’t wait to see the back of him. Hilda would be upset, devastated, but after that they’d get back to normal – just the three of them, living like a family again.
Ellen could barely eat her breakfast as she sat across from her father. Gertie was the only one who looked cheerful, which made a change because out of sight of her parents, Gertie had been moody and snappy. Ellen had hated sleeping in her bed again, but if it meant her dad could stay, she’d do it for ever.
When her dad stood up, Ellen felt the tears welling and was unable to stifle a sob. She flung back her chair, rushing to him, her arms wrapping tightly around his waist. ‘Do you have to go, Dad? Can’t you stay?’
‘There’s nothing I’d like more, but if I don’t go back I’d be a deserter.’
‘What’s a deserter?’
‘Someone who runs away, who doesn’t go back on duty when their leave’s over.’
‘You could do that, Dad,’ she said excitedly.
‘If I did, I’d be named a coward and end up in prison. Never mind, pumpkin. This war won’t go on for ever, and when it’s over I’ll be home for good.’
‘Oh, Dad … I still wish you could stay here now.’
He held her close for a moment, stroked her hair, but then gently moved away. ‘Me too, but sorry, pumpkin, I’ve got to pop upstairs to get my kit.’
‘I’ll come with you,’ Ellen cried, unwilling to let him out of her sight.
‘No, stay there. I won’t be a minute,’ he croaked, quickly heading for the stairs.
‘Listen, Ellen, I know it’s hard, but somehow we’ve got to be brave for your dad’s sake. He’s upset, too, so let’s see if we can send him off with smiles.’
‘I … I’ll try.’
‘That’s my girl.’
Her dad appeared again, kitbag slung over his shoulder. ‘Right, all set?’
‘Ned’s harnessed, so let’s go,’ said Gertie.
‘It’s good of you to take me to the station.’
‘Oh, it’s my pleasure.’
‘Right then, my lovely girls, time to go.’
‘Girl, huh, I wish I was.’
‘You’ll always be my girl, Hilda, even when you’re old and grey.’
‘I’d better be,’ she warned.
Gertie marched ahead of them out of the door and swung up onto the cart. ‘There isn’t room for all three of you up here. Perhaps you should sit on the back, Doug.’
‘I’m