roving reporter extraordinaire, I’ve made some bloopers and gaffes, usually at the rate of three an hour. Most of these are available for you to laugh at on the internet and, believe me, a lot of football fans have thrown them back at me over the years. But for those of you away from your computer at this moment, here’s the transcript of the more calamitous moments. And please excuse my poor use of the English language in these following clips as I do tend on occasions to have trouble with my worms. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I can get very, very excited … unless you ask my wife, of course – she’ll tell you she doesn’t remember the last time I got excited, but that’s another story, even another three chapters.
These are the clips that change this particular roving reporter extraordinaire to roving reporter extraordinary.
ON ALEX McLEISH
‘Alex McLeish has his hands in his head.’
IN THE BUILD-UP TO WIGAN v. WEST HAM
KAMMY: [Smirking] ‘I’ve had a chat with both managers and obviously I can’t tell you the teams, but Wigan are unchanged and Lucas Neill plays for West Ham.’
JEFF: [Sighing] ‘OK, thanks very much for keeping that to yourself, Chris.’
ON A STRUGGLING NOTTINGHAM FOREST
‘It’s real end-to-end stuff, but unfortunately, it’s all up Forest’s end.’
ON AN ALAN SHEARER GOAL
‘They’ve one man to thank for that goal: Alan Shearer. And they’ve also got to thank referee Alan Wilkie.’
ON JUNIOR LEWIS
‘Not only has referee Graham Poll shown Junior Lewis the red card, but he’s sent him off!’
ON BURNLEY
‘For Burnley to win, they’re going to have to score!’
ON CHELSEA 0 SCUNTHORPE 1
JEFF: ‘It’s not 0–0 at Stamford Bridge, the deadlock broken very early on, but it’s Scunthorpe who’ve scored!’
KAMMY: [High-pitched laughter] ‘Jeff, you’re not going to believe this, it’s incredible… Can they believe it? I can’t believe it! Ha, ha! They’re winning one–nil!’
ON FULHAM
JEFF: ‘Have Fulham got their just deserts?’
KAMMY: ‘They have and they deserve it!’
ON A HUGO RODALLEGA INJURY
‘Hugo Rodallega fell over the advertising hoardings as he was running in on goal.’
SOUTHAMPTON v. WEST BROM BUILD-UP
JEFF: ‘Is West Brom a good game for them to have today, you know, in the sense that expectations might be slightly less than if they were playing another team who were struggling?’
KAMMY: ‘Very much so, George. Oh, sorry… I’ve just been speaking to … er, George Burley, Fred… I mean Jeff [cue: fits of unstoppable laughter]’
ON CARLOS TEVEZ
‘They’ve got this man with a heart as big as … as big as … a plate.’
ON DARIUS VASSELL
‘Darius Vassell has had a lot of weight on his shoulders but someone’s just taken those shackles off his feet.’
ON THE BEAUTIFUL GAME
‘That’s the beauty of football. Sometimes it starts off crap, then it gets a bit better.’
So forgive me, Harry Hill, I don’t know which is the biggest gaffe, Carlos Tevez’s big heart or Fulham’s just deserts. There’s only one way to find out… FIGHT! Come on Carlos Tevez…
CHAPTER FIVE UNBELIEVABLE, JEFF! (HOW I CAUGHT A CATCHPHRASE)
Every great showman has to have a catchphrase. For some people it’s a gimmick to grab the excitement of their audience. I remember that Bruce Forsyth used to open The Generation Game with the words, ‘Nice to see you, to see you – nice!’; Dale Winton was forever saying ‘Bring on the wall!’ during Saturday night favourite Hole in the Wall (well, I loved it). Other TV entertainers have yelled something to raise a comic reaction. When Frank Spencer fell out of a window and clung on to the back of a double-decker bus (while attached to a pair of roller-skates, usually) the only words he could scream were ‘Ooh, Betty!’ It always got me giggling.
In truth, I’ve probably got more in common with Frank Spencer than Brucie. But instead of bus surfing or injuring myself in a calamitous fashion, every Saturday afternoon I watch footballers kicking lumps out of each other. Each goal, booking or Fergie tantrum is greeted by the word ‘Unbelievable!’, which is then boomed into the homes of millions of Soccer Saturday viewers. Often ‘Unbelievable!’ arrives attached to the name ‘Jeff!’ as I relay the action to the show’s anchorman and Smurf-in-chief, Jeff Stelling. It’s become a bit of a cult phenomenon. For some reason, a lot of people seem to like me shouting into their living-rooms at jetplane volumes.
When Soccer Saturday first started, I had no idea how much I said ‘Unbelievable, Jeff!’ on the telly. This sounds crazy, I know, because I must have used the adjective at least half a dozen times a weekend. I think I first got wind of my conversational tic (and it is an affliction, just ask Mrs Kammy) around six or seven years ago when the production team at Sky decided to run a Christmas special. This 30-minute programme showed all the gaffes and bloopers from the season. A lot of them were mine. Take a look online – it’s all on youtube.com if you don’t believe me. If you can’t be bothered, here are the highlights:
‘This is unbelievable, Jeff!’
‘Unbelievable, Jeff!’
‘Jeff, unbelievable!’
‘Jeff, you’re not going to believe this! Unbelievable!’
And so on. The day after the Christmas special, I covered a match between QPR and Manchester City at Loftus Road. Kevin Keegan, then the manager at City, came out of the tunnel as I was preparing to deliver a touchline report. Just as we were about to roll, he crept up behind me and shouted, ‘Unbelievable, Jeff!’ at the top of his voice. At that moment, I knew exactly how Jeff felt whenever I yelled into his ear piece. I also knew my big gob had been running on overdrive. My stock description of a dramatic incident in football as soon as I was linked to the studio was shouting the words ‘Unbelievable, Jeff!’, and everyone in the English game had known it. Everyone apart from me.
Kevin was laughing his head off. Apparently the whole City squad and coaching staff had seen the funnies that morning. ‘It’s all you ever say, Kammy,’ he said. ‘Let’s go down to Kammy at Loftus Road [the home of QPR, where we were]. Unbelievable, Jeff ! Unbelievable, Jeff! Unbelievable, Jeff…!’
I knew then