The Lost Diary Of Tutankhamun’s Mummy. Clive Dickinson

quite what I expect.

      MAKING THE MOST OF THE NEXT LIFE

       At MUM’S THE WORD we know how much we all enjoy life here on earth. That’s why we want all our customers to get the best from the next life. And take Osiris’s word for it, the next life is even better than this one!

       MUM’S THE WORD has been sending customers onto the best of afterlives for centuries. With a good mummy that will last for ever you’ll know your spirit will have somewhere safe and sound to rest for ever as well.

       First we give you a good clean and take out the squidgy bits inside. (Don’t worry, they’re put into special jars to stay with you and we always make sure the heart goes back where it belongs.)

       Next comes the drying stage. For forty days our customers are packed in a sort of salt – we call it natron in the trade. This soaks up all the moisture leaving you fresh and dry.

       When that’s over it’s time for another wash and a rub with all your favourite spices to give you a heavenly smell your friends will envy until the day they die.

       When you’re quite ready we start the most skilful part of the process – the wrapping. Hundreds of metres of top-quality linen bandages are wrapped tightly round and round and round you. It takes two weeks from start to finish, but by the end you can be sure you’ll stay in perfect shape for as long as you want.

       We offer a choice of outer coverings (‘coffins’ in the trade). These range from the Lo-Kost to the gold-covered Pharaoh Special, but whichever you choose there’ll be no mistaking whose mummy you are because we guarantee a life-like mask of you on the outside.

      You can tell they offer a very good service. Lots of my old friends have been to them. They take care of everything. They send you off into the afterlife with all you could possibly need: furniture, food, boats to travel and fish in, clothes, games to play, statues to keep you company, musical instruments, chariots and hunting weapons, jewellery, even guide books to the Underworld – you name it, they’ll make sure you have it. In fact they do such a good job that I have heard that dreadful robbers sometimes break in and steal things from you. If that’s going to happen, I’d rather have everything out on show somewhere, so that everyone can have a look at it. At least they’d see what a good mummy I am.