always moved away. On and on they went, until they had snaked and zig-zagged their way around the entire room!
They were obviously making each other extremely uncomfortable, and not understanding why.
Later on in the evening, I asked them, separately, where they came from. As you might expect, the first one stood very close to me, the second at some considerable distance!
You will not be surprised to learn that the first one came from New York, where closeness to people is part of everyday life, and the second from a vast ranch in Texas, where close contact was very rare.
Being aware of people’s different ‘comfort zone’ is a very important part of Social Intelligence. If you can make people feel comfortable by not invading their personal space, they will immediately be more willing to talk to and spend time with you.
Meeting and Greeting With Feeling
Be particularly alert to body language when you are meeting and greeting people. Remember the two scenarios you imagined before (see here) and the extreme positions your body took. Most people will be somewhere between the two.
Once again become the body-language-detective, and quickly assess the many non-verbal messages that are being given during those first vital moments.
If shaking hands, play close attention to the energy of the hand you are shaking – it can speak volumes. In the same way, make sure that your own handshake is firm (not too firm!) and welcoming. Make sure you make eye contact with the other person. Brief eye contact acknowledges the other person as being of interest to you – which will make them more interested in you!
Use Appropriate Gestures of Affection
Some cultures use hugs and embraces much more than others. In Russia, for example, hugs are a normal part of greeting people, whereas in Britain, people tend to be more reserved.
Psychiatrist Dr Harold Falk has listed some of the benefits of hugging: ‘Hugging can lift depression, enabling the body’s immunization system to become tuned up. Hugging breathes fresh life into tired bodies and makes you feel younger and more vibrant.’
In support of this, Helen Colton, author of The Joy of Touching, points out that the haemoglobin in your blood increases significantly when you are touched and hugged. As it is the haemoglobin that carries the vital supplies of oxygen to your heart, brain and body, hugging can be seen both as a life-giver and a life-saver, as well as a wonderful expression of Social Intelligence and confidence.
Mirror Talk
Before any social meeting, check yourself – ideally in a full-length mirror. Rather than just casually checking yourself and your appearance, imagine that you are the Costume Director and Producer on a film set. Your function is to make sure that the clothes your star actor (you!) is wearing are perfectly appropriate for the role, and to make sure that your star looks so attractive that other people will actively want to make contact. When you are dressed well and appropriately for the occasion, you and your body feel at ease and confident.
‘All the world’s a stage …’
Make a habit of ‘people watching’. It is a constant, entertaining, informative (and free!) theatre. Make yourself an increasing expert on the intricate body-language conversations that ‘speak to you’ on the streets, in restaurants, at social events, on beaches, and in all places where human beings congregate. When you see examples of particularly superb body-to-brain communication, mimic them and incorporate them in your own body language.
Social Brain Boosters
I am developing my body to be a superb communication device.
My words and actions are increasingly congruent.
I am spreading smiles wherever I go.
In the next chapter we will consider another vital non-verbal part of communicating with other people – listening to them!
The Art of Listening
Chapter Three
‘We are interested in others when they are interested in us.’
(Publilius Syrus)
The Roman poet Publilius obviously knew about Social Intelligence! If someone shows an interest in us and clearly wants to know us better, then we will be more interested and favourably disposed towards them.
The best, easiest and most effective way of showing interest in another person is to listen to what they are saying – to really listen, focusing on what they are saying, as opposed to standing there planning our own reposts and anecdotes in turn!
Listening in a Socially Intelligent way shows that you find someone to be worth your attention, and to be of value as a person – and everyone responds positively to that.
A Cautionary Tale of Social Intelligence – Part Two
When I was still in the ‘Mighty Muscle/Mighty Vocabulary’ stage of developing my Social Intelligence, I would tend to ‘dominate the airwaves’. This was because I thought that the more brilliant points I made, the more brilliant the conversation was.
This was a very one-sided and limited view.
Nature stepped in and taught me a very valuable lesson.
Just before an important social occasion, I contracted an irritating throat infection. To my chagrin, I could hardly utter a word.
At the party I met someone who was passionate about many things. We began an animated conversation, but because of my weakened voice, I was soon reduced to nodding, massaging the conversation with well-placed ‘uhuhms’ and very occasionally asking a question, which gave my companion the opportunity to launch into another five-minute conversational journey.
When we eventually parted I assumed that he would consider me an utter bore, as I had contributed probably less than 5 per cent to the conversation, and he comfortably more than 95 per cent.
To my amazement I heard later that he considered me a fascinating conversationalist!
How could this be so?
The light slowly began to dawn: we had had a wonderful conversation. He had entertained me with delightful stories and provocative concepts; my body, rather than my voice, had ‘spoken back to him’, indicating that I was interested, was involved and, by my supportive presence, I had allowed him to explore his own thoughts in good company, and therefore not only to have a conversation with me but also with himself.
I realized that listening gave me this wonderful opportunity to be completely relaxed in a conversation, to be entertained with wonderful tales and thoughts, as well as allowing me to give someone else the opportunity to be freely expressive.
I realized that up to that time, I had been guilty of what Leonardo da Vinci observed: that most people ‘listen without hearing’.
This chapter is devoted to helping you listen with hearing!
Listening – A Neglected Art
It is estimated that we spend between 50 and 80 per cent of our waking life communicating. On average half of that communication time is spent in listening. In schools and colleges the percentage is even higher, and in the business world listening ranks as one of the top three most important necessary managerial skills. Amazingly, despite all this, listening is the ‘poor relation’ of communication skills when it comes to being taught, despite the fact that it is learned first and used most, as the table below shows.
| Learned | Used | Taught |
| Listening
|