together. ‘Classical dance is out of the question and every other kind involves taking your clothes off.’ And I just don’t want to take my clothes off. She never had been able to spend the hundred-dollar bill she won the time she took off her shirt during a dance contest in Tortilla Jack’s on College Hill.
‘You don’t seem like you much want to be trapped by anything,’ said Robin.
‘You’re right,’ she said. ‘So?’
Robin wanted to know what else was there.
‘College.’
‘Good, college is good,’ he said. ‘So?’
She sighed. ‘Jennifer and I are applying to Stanford. My grades aren’t great. I’ll never get in of course…’ she trailed off.
Robin interrupted her. ‘Stanford. That’s an Ivy League-type school. Where is that?’
‘California, actually,’ said Tully.
‘California?’ exclaimed Robin. ‘I see. So what do you plan to do at this Stanford?’
‘If you’d let me finish, I said I’ll never get in. But UC Santa Cruz is nearby, so I applied there too. Get a degree, get a job, dance on the weekends, see the ocean,’ said Tully.
‘A degree in what?’
‘Whatever. Who cares? A degree.’
‘What about Jennifer?’
‘Jen is going to be a doctor. A pediatrician. Or a child psychiatrist.’
‘And Jennifer wants to do this, too, does she? Go to California?’
‘Of course she does,’ said Tully. ‘She suggested it.’
‘Oh, well, then I guess that’s that,’ said Robin, looking away into the side window. ‘I guess that’s that.’
Tully sat quietly. ‘So I see,’ said Robin.
‘So what do you want to go out with me for? Do you just want me to tide you over till next year?’
‘Next year?’ said Tully. ‘I was thinking more like till next week.’
‘Yes,’ said Robin. ‘Oh, yes, I’m sure,’ he said sarcastically, hitting the wheel. ‘I’m sure. So, Tully, tell me, what do you want to be, in California, when you grow up?’
‘Dream-free,’ replied Tully.
November 1978
‘What do you mean, you want to go to California with Tully?’ said Lynn. Tony stopped eating his steak.
‘I mean,’ said Jennifer, ‘just what I said. We want to go to California. We are going to California.’
‘What are you talking about?’ said Tony. ‘You are going to Harvard. I thought it was all agreed.’
Jennifer shook her head. ‘We’ve applied to Stanford. That’s where we’re going.’
Lynn and Tony exchanged a long look. Lynn said, ‘Jenny Lynn, honey, whose idea is that? Is it Tully’s?’
Tony raised his voice. ‘Of course it’s Tully’s! Tully, Tully, Tully! I’m tired of hearing that girl’s name!’ He turned to his wife. ‘I kept telling you she was a bad seed!’ And then to Jennifer, ‘What do you want to do, Jennifer? What do you want?’
‘I want to go to California,’ Jennifer said stubbornly.
‘Goddamn it!’ shouted Tony, throwing his fork down on the plate. It made a loud noise that rang in everybody’s ears. ‘I will not let that girl make a loser out of you, Jennifer! I will not let that girl make another her out of you.’
Lynn asked Tony to lower his voice. Jennifer put her utensils down and laid her hands on her lap. ‘Dad. Going to Stanford is not a loser thing to do. It just isn’t.’
Lynn and Tony talked for a while, heatedly and passionately at first, then slowly, pretending to be reasonable. Jennifer withdrew completely and watched as her parents argued with one another about just who was responsible for letting this happen to their Jennifer.
‘You’re the one who is always here talking to her!’ yelled Tony.
‘Yes, and you’re the one who is never here talking to her!’ Lynn yelled back.
Tony said, ‘I told you and told you about that girl. And you wanted to bring her into this house. I told you: she is no good, Lynn. She came from no good and she will come to no good, and in between she will do no good for anybody. That’s Tully.’
‘That’s not true, Dad,’ said Jennifer. ‘Tully will come to good. She will. You watch. Tully wants to help kids. Be a psychologist, maybe.’
‘Help kids? Tully is not helped herself!’ Tony screamed. ‘A psychologist? Jennifer, to be a psychologist, one needs to like to talk! And your friend Tully is nearly a deaf-mute!’
‘Dad! What are you talking about?’ Jennifer said. ‘To be a bad psychologist, one needs to like to talk. To be a good one, one needs to like to listen. And Tully is not a deaf-mute, Dad. Just because you don’t hear her, she is not a deaf-mute. She’s not the one.’
Standing up, Jen cut her father off before he began again. ‘Dad, Dad! Besides! This is not about Tully, goddamn it!’ she screamed, backhanding her glass of Coke across the room. It smashed against the dining room wall and shattered loudly, echoing through the quiet house. Her parents sat there and did not react. Lynn finally said sadly, ‘Jenny, we thought you always wanted to go to Harvard.’
‘No, Mom,’ said Jennifer. ‘No. You always wanted to go to Harvard.’
‘Well, honey, there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with Harvard.’
‘Yes. And there is nothing wrong with Stanford either.’
How to tell them, how to explain just how much she wanted to go to California! How to explain to them that her poor Tully just wanted to be close to her. Alone upstairs, Jennifer laughed softly. They’d never believe it if I told them. They’d never believe that California is not Tully’s idea at all. How little it actually has to do with Tully. Jennifer strongly suspected that, left to her own devices and despite all her protestations, despite all the maps and all the dreams and all the talk of palm trees, left to herself, Tully would not go to California. Oh, Tull would certainly disagree with that, certainly. But Jennifer just had a feeling about it. Without Jennifer, Tully would never go. But how to tell her parents that? And how to tell them that despite a number of colleges nationwide wanting him to play football for them, Jennifer alone knew that Jack Pendel, nineteen years old this November, captain of the High Trojans for the second straight year, would be going nowhere else but Palo Alto.
2
‘…Take me now
Baby, here as I am
Pull me close
Try to understand
Desire and hunger’s the fire I breathe
Love is a banquet on which we feed…’
Robin was singing very loudly in the shower. It was Saturday night, and he was going to see Tully. Somehow – miraculously! – she made Saturday night happen. He booked the best room at the Holiday Inn three days ago when she told him she could make it.
Robin