is no way Guy and I could afford to add to our present financial woes? Or am I worried about growing older? My mother’s shock at the prospect of Charlotte being pregnant makes me think that I’ve reached an age already when people think I’d be better off taking up bridge rather than being with child. Charlotte’s pregnancy proclaims to the world that she is still fertile, fecund, womanly; while I am just beginning to feel … well, almost middle-aged.
‘What a thing to do!’ my mum continues. ‘Though I suppose Jack can afford to have a big family. Have they moved to the house in Chelsea yet?’
‘Oh, Mum, it’s not always about money,’ I remonstrate. But I know it is. When I discovered that I was pregnant with Maisie almost four years ago now, Guy’s reaction struck me like a slap:
‘My God, Harriet, we can’t afford another £120,000 in school fees! And that’s without counting the rest – food, clothes, bigger house, all those soft toys, train sets, let alone the computers they demand.’ While I sat mute on a kitchen stool, stroking my stomach and its gentle swelling, my husband pulled at his hair. ‘Where will we put him? There’s no room as it is. We’d have to give up on the au pair’s room, and then it’s just when you were thinking of going back to work and …’
I just listened, frozen with shock, and suddenly Guy must have seen my expression, because he rushed over to me guiltily, and pulled me into his arms.
‘Oh, Harry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, darling, of course we’ll find a way, of course we’ll make room. And you know how I adore the boys, another one will be fab!’
In the end, it was not a baby boy but a girl, and Guy truly was adoring, walking with Maisie stretched, tummy down, on his forearm, showing her off to anyone who dropped in. ‘My little girl, just look at her!’
But his reaction had been a warning: our finances cannot cover surprises. So that even last winter, when I was giving away all the baby paraphernalia we’ve had about the house since Alex’s birth – the high chair, the crib, the pastel Beatrix Potter mobile, the baby steamer and plasticated bibs – I felt
only a little twinge of regret. A fourth child is not an option.
‘Harriet? Harriet, are you still there?’
‘Yes, yes, I am.’ I’m staring at the ominous damp patch on our bedroom ceiling. Only a week ago, it looked like a cricket ball; after five days of wet weather it has swollen to the size of a pumpkin. Please, please don’t let this mean we need to have the roof seen to. The most recent estimate would have covered two terms’ tuition at the Griffin. Where would we get the money from?
‘How’s Guy? Has he finished the Indian book?’
‘Not yet.’
‘Now there’s a surprise,’ my mother says drily. ‘I love Guy dearly, but you both would be a lot happier if he’d settled down in a proper profession a long time ago.’ My mother pauses, then, at my silence, changes tack: ‘How’re the children?’
‘Brilliant. Alex got into the First XV, did I tell you?’
‘That boy would do well anywhere,’ my mother points out. ‘He doesn’t have to go to a prep school that costs fifteen grand a year.’
‘We can’t skimp on the children’s education. You and Dad were always saying how important good schooling was.’ I look at the photo of my dad: small and wiry, he grins at the camera with total confidence. Yet only a few weeks later he was dead of a sudden stroke – leaving Mum broken-hearted and me floundering, in my second year at Bristol. Brief, sleepless nights gave way to interminable days punctuated by weeping fits and long calls home to Mum and Mel. After all this time, my eyes still fill when I look at his photograph, though now my tears are accompanied by the warm realization that Tom resembles him like a son.
‘Those were different times. Sending a child to prep school did not mean you had to take out a second mortgage.’
‘They were different times,’ I say patiently, ‘because sending your children to state schools didn’t mean they’d end up in gangland, or dealing with teachers who won’t tell off a student because they might get beaten up by his parents after school. There are schools in London where half the kids can’t speak English. And the other half, you wish they couldn’t,’ I sigh. ‘And house prices near the decent schools are way beyond us.’
‘Then the obvious solution is for you to move. We have excellent schools here. And I’ll baby-sit every night for free if you move down here.’ My mum’s words rush out of her, and I feel a wrench. She lives alone, my sister is far away, and she dotes on my children. Would moving out of London be so bad? Guy was talking about it again last night. It’s not just the bill for the Griffin’s second term looming; we’re £1,200 over our overdraft limit.
‘It’s a lot greener and quieter than London,’ my mother continues.
‘I know, Mum. I am tempted. Even though I’d have to give up HAC.’
‘You wouldn’t need to give up working, though. We’d find something else for you here.’ My mum, who has never done a day’s work in her life, is proud of my job, even if it is only part-time. ‘Buys your independence,’ she always says, ‘builds your self-confidence, keeps your wits sharp. I only wish I’d had the courage to do something myself.’
‘But it would be hard on Guy. He has his heart set on the boys following in his footsteps, and about a hundred other Carews before him, and going to Wolsingham.’
‘Oh, those Carews! They have all the wrong priorities,’ my mother sniffs. ‘Army families always spend their lives looking backwards and then are surprised when they fall flat on their face.’
‘I think if we threatened not to send the boys to Wolsingham, Archie and Cecily would sell their house and the cottage in Lyme Regis to cover the fees.’
‘Then they’re truly mad. Penury for posh classmates – it’s nonsense.’ My mother sighs. ‘I know I’m wasting my breath. Mel rang …’ My older sister, who married an Australian architect, lives in Sydney. ‘Did I tell you Kim’s firm has been commissioned to do Sydney’s new library?’
‘Yes, I think you mentioned it last time you rang.’ You bet she did. I was the youngest, my father’s favourite, and the one who got the better marks. But Mel always had twice the self-confidence and ambition. She ended up moving to Australia and starting up a business in gourmet baby food, which she sold three years ago for a tidy profit. Her husband Kim is a highly sought-after architect, who according to my mum designs half of Sydney these days.
My mother may be saintly, but she cannot resist stirring up a bit of sibling rivalry.
‘Mel’s done very well for herself.’
‘Yes,’ I agree meekly. ‘Better go, Mum – the kids will be home from school soon.’
I get off the phone and vow that I will not lose sleep over my pregnant BF or my wealthier and more successful sister.
But it is neither Charlotte or Mel who keep me awake that night. Footsteps resound on our stairs, then someone stumbles and cries out ‘Kurva!’ I look at the clock on my bedside table: three a.m. What on earth!? I get up, still half-asleep, and tiptoe, so as not to wake Guy, to open the door. It isn’t one of the boys, as I had feared, but Ilona who is weaving up the stairs, certainly not stone-cold sober, followed by a thick-set man with a ponytail. I withdraw into our bedroom, shut the door and slip back into bed beside Guy. That’s it. This is worse than her ruining Guy’s best shirt, worse than her handing out Rufus’s dog biscuits with cheese to the children, worse than her looking me up and down when I wear one of my charity-shop finds, worse even than the day she clogged up the sink with red hair dye.
But how on earth can I get rid of Ilona and still go out to work? It’s Ilona who takes Maisie to nursery, then fetches her again at one. On the days when I’m at HAC, it’s Ilona who gives Maisie, and sometimes Guy, lunch; she who plays with my three-year-old or takes her to her playgroup.