She stopped talking and looked at him, cocking her head.
‘I knew your mom, Amber. Remember? I knew what an amazing woman she was.’
She said nothing for a few seconds as she let memories of her late Spanish mother fill her head, her heart aching all over again with a loss that still hurt. Because there were times when she really needed her mum. And now was certainly one of those times.
‘What I’m trying to say is that I always wanted to be like her. She was so beautiful, so kind and funny and strong, she was so strong. Right to the end she kept on fighting, until there was nothing more anyone could do. She didn’t give up until she had to. She had this… this aura about her, you know? She would walk into a room and it would just light up. I loved her so much, Jim. So much. We were so close, never a day went by when I didn’t speak to her. And she was so supportive, always there for me no matter what. She was my rock. My best friend, and when she died… I miss her so much, all the time, that never goes away. Ever. And I… I always wanted to be the kind of mum to a child of my own that she was to me, and just because I didn’t go round shouting about the fact I would love a baby one day…’ She broke off, walking over to the window, folding her arms as she looked outside, the late-summer sunshine making their large, walled garden look gloriously pretty with its multitude of coloured flowers and fruit trees. ‘Deep down inside, I’m scared I’ll never get the chance.’
She closed her eyes as she felt his arms wrap around her from behind, pulling her back against him, and she rested her head against his shoulder, just letting him hold her. She wanted to tell him. She really wanted to tell him. But she couldn’t, not yet. Not just yet. Not until she was sure.
‘I want you to have everything you ever dreamed of, Amber,’ he said quietly. ‘Everything. And I will try my hardest to make sure you get it all, believe me.’
She turned round in his arms, opening her eyes and shaking her hair out again, changing the mood in an instant. There were some things she knew he may never be able to give her, it was just that now wasn’t the time to think about that.
‘Anyway, come on,’ she said, straightening the collar of his shirt. ‘You’re going to be late if you don’t get a move on.’
He frowned slightly. He wasn’t sure he wanted to leave this conversation still hanging, but she was right. He was supposed to be at the training ground in half an hour and it took nearly as long as that to drive there from their home at the coast.
‘So, what are you up to today?’ he asked, reluctantly letting her go, grabbing his jacket from the back of a chair.
‘Well, I’m not due in London until the end of the week, so I thought I’d go and see Debbie. Maybe do a little bit of shopping. She’s still training me in the ways of the WAG.’
Jim smiled, shoving his hands in his pockets. ‘Really?’ He arched an eyebrow and Amber laughed, suddenly relaxing. Yeah, everything was fine. She hadn’t ruined it all by laying this on him the way she had. He was fine. She just wished she’d had the nerve to tell him everything, because she knew she’d have to, at some point.
‘Yeah. Really.’
‘So,’ he went on, picking his phone up from the table and quickly checking for messages. ‘You nervous about making your live studio debut for Cloud Sports on Friday?’
‘Yeah, a little bit,’ she sighed. ‘But…’ She smiled at him, pulling her hair back into a loose ponytail, ‘… at least it means you can watch me on TV when I’m not here, and then maybe you won’t miss me quite so much.’
He quickly pulled her into his arms again, stealing another kiss. ‘Ah, yes, but, the excellent timing of it all means that because Red Star’s first game of the season is down in the capital, I don’t really have to miss you at all, do I? In fact, beautiful, I can be with you the second you come off air on Friday night. I’ll leave Colin in charge of the squad at the hotel, and I’ll come and spend some time with you, if that’s what you want.’
Why would she want anything else? ‘You’d better be there, handsome, or I’ll be extremely disappointed.’
‘And we can’t have that, now, can we?’
She shook her head as his mouth moved closer to hers. ‘No. We can’t.’
One more kiss then he’d have to go, even if he’d much rather stay where he was. How he was going to cope when she wasn’t there, when she was away, working, he didn’t know, but at least she was right in one respect – he could watch her, there on TV, knowing she was his. Knowing that beautiful woman was finally his, after all those years of waiting, wishing and hoping. All those years of getting everything so wrong. But wasn’t he still getting it wrong now? Knowing what he knew – what she had yet to find out.
‘If you want to come down to the training ground…’ Jim began, pushing those thoughts firmly to the back of his mind.
‘I think I’ll stick to shopping with Debbie, if you don’t mind.’
As much as he would have loved to have seen her later, he’d all but known she would have declined that offer. Anywhere Ryan Fisher was, Amber tried to avoid. Jim just hoped it was for all the right reasons. He trusted Amber, but as far as his feelings towards his star striker went, that was a different matter. He rested his forehead against hers, smiling slightly. ‘So, I guess I’ll see you tonight.’
‘Yeah. You will. And play your cards right, mister, and you can see as much of me as you want.’
‘Jesus, Ryan, come on,’ Gary groaned as Ryan miskicked another shot at goal, the ball flying high over the crossbar. ‘What the hell is wrong with you this morning? The boss is gonna go ape shit if he sees the way you’re playing today.’
Ryan dropped to his haunches, his head in his hands. ‘Nothing’s wrong with me, Gary. I’m just a bit off form, that’s all.’
‘Well, your timing’s crap, mate. You know, it being just a couple of days away from the beginning of a brand new season. Our first game isn’t exactly an easy one…’
Ryan stood up, looking at Gary, his hands on his hips. ‘We’re fucking league champions, Gary. Right now, at this moment in time, we are the fucking best, so we should be frightened of no one. We should be able to go out there on Saturday and show them that they should be intimidated by us, not the other way around. We should be able to win that match easy.’
‘Not if you play the way you’ve been playing this morning we won’t. You letting yourself get a bit too distracted by the new lady in your life?’ Gary winked.
‘Fuck off,’ Ryan sighed, turning away and walking over to the touchline, his head down.
‘Going somewhere, Fisher?’
Ryan looked up. Jim Allen stood right there in front of him dressed – unusually for him – for the training ground rather than the office, sporting tracksuit bottoms, football boots, and a white t-shirt that clung to a physique most forty-nine-year-old men would kill for. Lately he’d been involving himself more and more in the physical aspects of training, and Ryan wondered if this need to keep in shape had anything to do with the fact he was now married to a younger woman – a very beautiful younger woman. A woman Ryan didn’t really want to think about for too long, because it still hurt. No matter how much he pretended it didn’t.
‘No. Just taking a break, boss.’
Jim continued to stare at him, raising an eyebrow, but he said nothing. He just let him go, and Ryan didn’t stop to argue. He needed five minutes away from it all, just to get his head together.
Things with Ellen had started moving way faster than he’d wanted them to, even though he’d tried his hardest not to give her any signals that could easily be interpreted the wrong way. He was determined to try and put his old ways behind him, but he was beginning to realise that going cold turkey wasn’t the best idea. Baby steps – that was the way to go about a