A submissive reaction will achieve nothing at all except possibly to cause the perpetrator to feel that he has scored a victory. Either of these responses will have the added negative effect of causing you to be annoyed with yourself afterwards.
If you come into contact with someone who enjoys delivering a good put-down, try to see the hidden inference behind his words. If he says to you, ‘Haven’t you done that yet?’ what he is really saying is ‘You’re incompetent.’ Unless you know that you really are at fault and have failed to do something you promised to do, a possible assertive response would be ‘Not yet. When did you want it done?’
If you are aware of put-downs and recognize them for what they are – a form of bullying where the aggressor is seeking to inflate his own ego by making you feel inferior – you are less likely to fall into this trap. If you have succumbed in the past, think about it now and decide how you would react should the situation present itself again.
Dealing with Criticism
No one really likes to be criticized. An assertive person, however, will realize that criticism falls into two categories:
Unfair: If criticism is unfair, it is unimportant and you should not pay any attention to it.
Fair and constructive: If the criticism is justified, although you still may not like to hear it, in the long term it can prove to be useful and positive.
Reacting aggressively to criticism causes problems of its own. If you snap back at the critic you will probably start an argument. If you are not assertive, you will not win the argument and you will end up feeling bad about it.
If you react submissively to criticism and always agree with the critic, whether or not he is being fair and just, you are simply pushing yourself lower and lower in his estimation – and in your own. Eventually you will reach the stage where you never do anything at all in case it attracts criticism from others. There are three main techniques for dealing with criticism:
If the criticism is fair – agree with whatever is justified (although not with that which is simply judgemental) and say what you intend to do about it:‘It was your turn to do the washing-up this morning and it’s still there in the sink [criticism]; you’re absolutely hopeless [judgement]’.‘Yes, it was my turn. I’ll do it right now.’This is not a submissive response because the criticism is a fair one. You did promise to do the washing up and you failed to do so. Your reply will serve to show the critic that you acknowledge the fault and intend to put things right. This will take the wind out of his sails and a possible argument will be avoided.
If the criticism has an underlying truth but is exaggerated – accept that which is justified but do not react in any way to the exaggeration:‘You were supposed to have that report on my desk by 9 this morning and you still haven’t finished it. You just don’t care. Everyone else always ends up doing your work.’ (The only true part of this criticism is likely to be the first sentence.)‘Yes, I am late submitting the report and I’m sorry about that. I’ll work through my coffee break and get it to you at the first possible moment.’By staying calm and responding only to the true part of the criticism, you remain in control of the situation. The critic will be appeased by your offer to go out of your way to put the matter right and, because you have not risen to the bait and responded aggressively to the unjust part of the criticism, an argument is less likely to ensue.
Responding with a question – this is a particularly useful response when someone is making a criticism of you personally as opposed to your work.‘You wouldn’t understand.’‘Why do you think I wouldn’t understand?’The critic’s reply to your question will help you to decide whether he is genuinely concerned about you – in which case he will go on to explain his comment – or is simply being unpleasant – in which case he is likely to begin to bluster, having nothing specific with which to back up his statement. Then you will know that he is not really worth bothering about and his remarks will cease to distress you.
Preparation
Suppose you have to find an assertive way of persuading someone to do something. Many people find this difficult, particularly if there is an implied or actual criticism of the other person for poor performance to date. There are four points you need to cover and, bearing these in mind, it is often helpful to prepare a script in advance to ensure that each step is taken in turn. Naturally you do not need to read the script out when you come to talk to this person, but it will help you to fix in your mind what you intend to say. The four steps are:
1 Explain the current situation as you perceive it. Be brief and keep to the point without allowing extraneous judgement to creep in.
2 Show that you understand the other person’s feelings and then express your own. You might say ‘I feel upset about this’ or ‘I realize that you are in a difficult position.’
3 Say what you want, making as few demands as possible and keeping them realistic. There is no sense in making demands which it is physically impossible for the other person to deliver. In such cases (unless it is completely inappropriate) you might have to be prepared to negotiate or to compromise.
4 Explain what the outcome is likely to be, stating the rewards if she complies or the punishment if not. (Perhaps, ‘I shall take my custom elsewhere.’)
If you are able to analyse your own behaviour and then use the guidelines in this chapter to help yourself work towards becoming a more assertive person, you will have taken a very big step towards dealing successfully with any difficult people in your life.
CHAPTER THREE Types of Problem People
Difficult people don’t just have an effect on you for the length of time you are with them – they can spoil your whole day, week or month. An encounter with an expert difficult person can leave you feeling angry (with yourself as well as with him), hurt or frustrated. And you can be sure that he knows this all too well. Such people rely on having this effect on others; they do it because they know it works and helps them to manipulate other people, thus leaving them to go ahead with things in their own sweet way.
You have to realize one fact from the outset: you cannot change a difficult person just because you want to. With a few exceptions, difficult people are quite happy to be as they are. So, if you cannot change them, you need to learn a technique for dealing with them so that (i) you are not manipulated by them and (ii) you do not allow them to have a devastating effect on your own temper and behaviour.
The types I am going to discuss here are those who are perpetually presenting problems. Of course you can be difficult and so can I – but hopefully this is only on occasion. To deal with really difficult people you need first to understand them and then to work out a method of coping with them and their behaviour while maintaining your own temper and sanity. This applies whether you encounter them in your business or your personal life.
For the purposes of this chapter, I have divided difficult people into 13 basic types – although of course there will be others who fall somewhere between two personalities, exhibiting different behaviour according to the situation in which they find themselves.
Janet
There are some people who are so wrapped up in what they are doing that they never even pause to consider anyone else’s feelings or opinions. They are not necessarily deliberately negative – but they can irritate others enormously. A typical example is someone who always has the volume on the television turned up far too high and who is too thoughtless or unaware of other people to realize that this level of noise is causing them distress. If you ask this person to turn the volume down, she will probably do so immediately – but the next time she watches television she will forget and the volume will be just as high.
Janet is just such a person. She loves to chat and