it had been for thousands of the readers who had emailed me with their experiences. The phrases So I gave myself a good talking to … or I told myself that … or I said out loud I had to … came up time and time again. And, my readers told me, they had turned from anger, bitterness and depression to happiness and contentment. So the first step to letting go of your anger is to give yourself a ‘good talking to’. In addressing yourself you are addressing your anger – the anger that has been making you unhappy for a long time.
When exactly the turning point arrives varies. It may come at the end of days, weeks or years of being angry. Clearly big hurts need longer to heal than smaller hurts, and while you are healing anger is acceptable and healthy. But you will know when your anger is past its ‘use by’ date. You will know when it is time to let go and move on, and when it is time look at yourself in the mirror and address yourself honestly.
Remember it doesn’t have to be a big hurt that is making you angry and unhappy. Even if you are angry about a small hurt, at some point you have to let go. In a lifetime we have to let go of anger many, many times, for life is full of situations which cause us pain and suffering, and if left unaddressed the anger and resentment fester, making us unhappy and depressed.
Here are a few more examples of the turning point:
I can still remember being unjustly accused by my departmental manager of being late on my third day at work (my first job) at the age of eighteen. I was in fact at work but attending a training session in another room, which my manager hadn’t been informed of. The manager shouted at me in front of the whole office before I had a chance to explain. I can still remember my feelings of humiliation and anger and wishing the ground would open up and swallow me. Looking back, I can see that the man may have been a bully, but it is true to say that the scene ruined my first months at work. I inwardly seethed, from both the injustice and the humiliation. My spirits sank to the point where I considered handing in my notice. Monday mornings were a nightmare.
Then I made a conscious decision to address myself: It was a silly thing for him to say but I am not responsible for his actions. We’ve got on well until now. I will not hold it against him any more. I let go of my anger and focused on all the good things about the job, of which there were many. It was a conscious decision, as letting go of anger often has to be, and once I’d let go of my anger my spirits lifted, I began to enjoy the work and the incident took its rightful place in history.
A nineteen-year-old rape victim whose attacker had not been prosecuted because of a technicality in the law was consumed by anger at the injustice (understandably). But it was dominating her life and she was blaming herself. She wrote that she had found her turning point by addressing herself as follows: I am so angry he wasn’t prosecuted. He should have been. I did all I could, but it wasn’t my decision. It was the police who decided not to prosecute. I had no control over that decision but I do have control over the rest of my life. I’m not going to let him ruin it.
A woman of thirty-two wrote about her mother who had given her other daughter (the writer’s sister) a diamond ring that she had inherited from her mother and had sentimental value. The woman had seen the favouritism and had translated it as her mother loving her sister more than she loved her. She had been upset and angry for over a year and this anger was souring her relationship with her mother and sister, whom she loved dearly. The turning point for her came when she addressed herself as follows: My mother decided to give that ring to my sister. It was her choice. Although it’s going to be very difficult, I need to stop being angry and ask her why she decided to do that. Have I done something to upset her?
When she finally plucked up the courage to ask her mother, she wished she’d asked her sooner and so avoided a year of anger, pain and resentment. Her mother’s actions were entirely innocent of any favouritism. It was simply that the other daughter had always been fascinated by the ring, right from childhood, so when the ring no longer fitted the mother’s finger (because of arthritis) she had naturally given it to the daughter who had been interested in it, never dreaming she was causing her other daughter pain. The mother apologized, although there was no need, for the writer knew what her mother was saying was true.
Perhaps what has caused you to be angry and depressed is not one incident but a culmination of small incidents that have built up over time. Or it may be there aren’t any incidents at all, but just an ongoing gnawing anger that life promised you something and hasn’t delivered.
One reader from the US wrote: I was fed up with my life; nothing seemed right. There was no reason. I mean I hadn’t been abused like the children in your books but there didn’t seem any point to life. I was twenty-nine and hooked on antidepressants and pills to make me sleep. I really hated the person I had become – negative, angry and finding fault in everything. It’s a wonder I had any friends left at all. Then one evening after a really bad day I asked myself: do you really want to carry on like this or are you going to try and find something better? I realized at that moment it was down to me: my future was in my hands. I could carry on as I was – unhappy and hating everything – or I could change and be happy.
The woman carried on to say that with the help of a life coach, who showed her how to focus on the positives in life, she had stopped taking all the pills and was finally enjoying life.
Whatever the reason, if you are angry you will be unhappy and at some point you need to make a conscious decision to let go and move on. For this woman the turning point was the question Do you really want to carry on like this, her acknowledgement that she didn’t and her readiness to move on and do something different. It may help to say out loud why it’s time to let go. In my case it was You have to admit your marriage is over.
We can sometimes take on responsibility for the actions of others, convincing ourselves we are to blame for the outcome when in fact we have no control of those actions, and this results in us feeling frustrated and angry. In such cases we need to pass the responsibility for the bad word or deed back to the person who had issued it, acknowledging their responsibility (as in the case of the rape victim, where she acknowledged that it was the police’s decision not to prosecute) or if necessary asking that person why they acted as they had, before we can let go of our anger and move on.
You may find you need some extra help to move on, as the lady who approached a life coach did. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, from whichever source you feel most comfortable with – a counsellor, a life coach, a therapist, your minister, your guardian angel or your god. You have made the decision to move on; if you need extra help, take it.
When you reach the turning point, you can take action by acknowledging the truth, thereby allowing yourself to deal with the anger and move on to happiness and contentment.
CHAPTER TWO
Take Responsibility for Your Life
While we are not responsible for the decisions and actions of others (as we saw in the last chapter) we are always responsible for our own decisions and actions, although sometimes we would rather not admit it.
If he had shown me more affection I wouldn’t have needed an affair …
She went on at me until I hit her. She should have left it. I can go out with my mates if I want.
These two readers were trying to transfer blame and therefore responsibility to their partners. On occasions we are all guilty of blaming others for our actions and the reason we do so is obvious. If only he/she hadn’t I wouldn’t have … They shouldn’t have put temptation in my way … etc. Transferring the blame, in our eyes, transfers the responsibility and therefore lets us off, or so we would like to believe. Clearly this is untrue, for we are only transferring the responsibility in our minds. No one else has accepted responsibility for our actions. We haven’t been let off the hook: we are simply in denial.
A man aged forty-three wrote: I blame my father for always criticizing me as a child. I couldn’t do anything right. If I got a B grade he said I should have got an A. If I scored a goal he asked me why I’d missed the other two shots. The man wrote that in adult life he reacted very badly if he thought anyone was criticizing him, becoming angry and aggressive, even when the criticism was in fact constructive