so mean? Like I was just some cheap pick-up for you to enjoy and then toss aside like a piece of trash. Well, let me tell you, Mister Joseph A. Bennett – I know all about trash. Most people would say my family were trash, but I always wanted something better than that. I’ve tasted dirt and I never want to taste it again and I’ve worked damn hard to make sure I don’t have to.
Please don’t be mean to me, English. Send me something nice and friendly real soon, sweetie-pie. I’d hate to have to take this to Buddy. He gets really pissed if people upset me.
Olivia xxx
‘Christ!’ I thought after I’d read Olivia’s message a second time. She really did appear to be barking! What had I done to her?
Still not having a clue what I would say to Bennett when I reached his office, I typed ‘on my way’ into a reply e-mail, grabbed my jacket and got on my way.
Amanda was nowhere to be seen when I arrived, so I knocked and let myself in. Bennett was hunched over his desk, staring intently at his computer. He turned around when he heard me enter, then, without a word, returned to his vigil, focussing intently on the screen. He looked like a scholar analysing a newly discovered Dead Sea Scroll, searching between the lines of Olivia’s message for hidden meanings.
‘Hi, West,’ he said, finally registering my presence. ‘Bloody daft, isn’t it? But it’s really starting to annoy me now. Some bugger’s having a go at me, and I want to know who it is. You know what I’ve been wondering?’
I was used to Bennett’s autocratic conversational style and assumed he wasn’t expecting an answer. True to form, he continued without waiting for a reply.
‘The only people I can think of who might have done this are those two we met at the party the other night – you know the chaps who work for Buddy. What’re their names?’
‘Len and Diana?’ I suggested
‘Yes, that’s them. I wonder whether I might have annoyed them somehow and now they’re trying to get back at me. Maybe even trying to blackmail me. What do you think? I have to admit, it is starting to get to me a bit. And Amanda went off in a right old strop when I showed her this one.’
‘You showed her?’ I said, although it might have come out more like a shriek. ‘What on earth did you do that for?’
‘Because I thought she’d find it funny,’ he replied without emotion, ‘especially the bit about me standing bollock naked in just a pair of stupid socks. I’ve never worn a pair of funny bloody socks in my life, so whoever is doing this has got that wrong for a start. Take a seat, West. Sorry I can’t offer you a coffee.’
I sat down in one of the pair of leather armchairs arranged in front of the television. I crossed my legs, but immediately uncrossed them again and tucked them away beneath me before Bennett had a chance to spot the image of Mr Messy and the legend ‘Have a Messy Monday’ emblazoned on my otherwise black socks.
‘Anyway,’ he continued, ‘I’ve asked Amanda to see if she can find out who this CaddyMac might be. See if there’s anyone by that name on Buddy’s payroll. Do you think this could be down to Dan and Wotserface? I gave them both my card at the party so they’ve got my details. Do you think I could have annoyed them?’
‘Len and Diana? Well, it’s possible,’ I replied. ‘I mean it’s possible you might have annoyed them. But neither of them would do anything like this. They’re both professional people. It would be suicide in Hollywood to get caught passing yourself off as a major star.’
‘Yeah, you’re probably right,’ Bennett conceded, after staring at the screen a while longer. ‘I can’t see anything, you know, Chinesey in the way it’s written and I don’t think that the old feller …’
‘Len.’
‘… yeah, Len, would have the balls for something like this. Not at his age. As you say, it would be curtains for them if they got caught upsetting an important business partner like me. Any other ideas?’
I shook my head, then shook it again more vigorously when Bennett turned round to enquire, wordlessly, into my silence. He turned back to his screen and I could almost feel him thinking – hear the cogs whirring around, trying to knock his brain into the right gear. After an uncomfortable pause, he stood up and walked to the back of his office. He peered out through the Velux blinds that were integrated between the two panes of the glass wall: Wellington surveying his troops before the battle of Waterloo. Make that Napoleon.
‘You know me, West, I like a joke as much as the next man. Remember that corker I played on you on our first day here?’ I did. It hadn’t been funny then and it still wasn’t funny now. Bennett ignored the fact that I didn’t join in his chuckling at the memory and carried on. ‘But I really don’t think this is funny anymore. I don’t want to look like Mr Bloody Misery Guts by going in all heavy on whoever’s behind this, but I will have to take it upstairs to Bill Davis if this carries on. What do you think I should do?’
I waited to see if he really was expecting an answer this time. I didn’t have a clue how he should reply to Olivia – and I didn’t really care. All that mattered to me at that moment was that my role in this confusion should remain hidden for as long as possible. For the rest of my life, would be a good start.
‘Well?’ Bennett’s hectoring voice interrupted my thoughts. ‘Come on – you know these people better than I do. What will it take to make them stop this bloody nonsense?’
‘I don’t know, Joseph,’ I said. It wasn’t yet ten o’clock on a Monday morning and already I was tired and wanted to go home. To crawl under my duvet until the world had woken from this hysteria and returned to dull normality. ‘I really can’t think of anyone who would do a thing like this, so I can’t help you. Sorry.’
Bennett’s usual composure deserted him for a moment as he realised that, despite his best efforts to involve me, he was on his own. ‘You are fucking useless, West! I have no idea what those fat bastards in LA see in you. You’ve been a useless turd since the day we both started here. I’ll sort this out for myself and then I’ll tell Bill Davis about the whole bloody thing. And I’ll make sure he knows exactly how much help you’ve been. Now bugger off back to your cubicle while I deal with it.’
I sloped off, leaving Bennett as I’d found him, hunched over his desk staring at his computer, like a heron at the water’s edge following a fish. I went back to my desk and pushed papers around as I watched the minutes tick slowly by towards lunchtime. After about an hour of minimal activity, I heard another ping. I had mail.
From: [email protected]
Bcc: Joseph West
RE: WHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON?
OK. We’ve had our bit of fun and it was a good laugh and all that but it really has to stop now. We are professional people and this kind of thing can easily get out of hand. So let’s put an end to it now before anyone says or does anything they’ll regret. I really don’t think either of us wants to see anyone getting into trouble over this nonsense so I suggest we cool it before things go too far.
I sincerely hope that we can continue our relationship on a purely professional basis in the future and I trust that this will be acceptable to you too.
Yours,
Joseph A. Bennett
Head of Entertainment and Media Division
Although it was still some way off anyone’s definition of lunchtime, I left the office as soon as possible and went for a walk, ostensibly to buy that present for Polly but also because I needed to clear my head. Clearly it was Olivia who was pestering Bennett – nobody else would know about my stupid socks unless she’d posted an account of our illicit tryst on Facebook or put a photo of the offending items on Instagram – but why? And how would she react to his latest