pages.
‘Yeah, okay,’ Daisy mutters.
They sit side by side for a moment, with Daisy now resting the closed album on her knees as if reluctant to put it away. Hannah isn’t sure if she’s imagined it, but Daisy might possibly have shuffled a millimetre closer to her on the bed. ‘Thanks for showing me the album,’ Hannah says gently. ‘It obviously means a lot to you.’
Daisy nods mutely and bites her lip.
‘I’m looking forward to our day out, are you?’
She nods again.
‘I, er … I hope you’re looking forward to our wedding too,’ Hannah ventures, wondering if it would be okay to put an arm around Daisy’s shoulders, or if she’d flinch, or leap up and run out of the room. No, better not.
‘Yeah,’ Daisy replies, her gaze fixed firmly on the album. ‘But I still can’t understand why it’s not in a church.’
‘I can’t believe she did that,’ Ryan whispers in bed that night. After half a year of living here, Hannah still finds the nocturnal whispering bizarre. It’s not even as if they’re up to anything. Ryan is wearing pyjamas, for God’s sake. With Josh’s bedroom next door, and Daisy’s the one after that, the only time it feels remotely okay to have sex is if the kids aren’t home, or if she or Ryan happen to wake up at some ungodly hour, like 4.30 am, when they’ll grab the opportunity. It gives their sex life during the week an urgent quality, and makes the three out of four weekends when Daisy and Josh are at their mother’s feel like a bit of a treat.
Lately, Hannah has started to hanker for a baby of her own; yet, as she’s never had the faintest yearning before, she worries that this might be some desperate attempt to redress the balance. ‘It doesn’t matter,’ she tells Ryan, snuggling closer. ‘Daisy wasn’t doing it to be mean or anything. And I bet every girl’s entranced by her mum on her wedding day.’
There’s a beat’s silence and she breathes in the scent of Ryan’s skin. There’s something almost edibly warm about him: sweet and moreish, like a croissant. Hannah’s paranoia about Petra has ebbed away, and she plants a soft kiss on his chest.
‘I know they don’t make it easy for you,’ he says.
‘Well …’ She hesitates. ‘It’s not easy but, you know, I’m an adult. We’ll get there. It’ll just take some time.’
‘I’m sure you’re right,’ he says, kissing her. I am, she reflects. I just need to keep believing that. Anyway, what kind of person of Ryan’s age doesn’t come with a little baggage? In fact, she likes the fact that he knows what days gym kits are needed and never forgets to pay the deposit for a school trip. So much information to store, and he manages it so admirably. She doesn’t even think of Ryan’s children as baggage; after all, they belong here, while she feels like an awkward guest at a fancy boutique hotel, under the watchful eye of two stern concierges. ‘Anyway,’ she adds, ‘I’ve got some good news. I’ve been thinking me and Daisy should spend some time together, so I asked her if she’d like to come shopping and she said yes.’
‘But you hate shopping,’ he exclaims. ‘You can’t stand it. You don’t see the point …’
‘I know, but I thought she’d enjoy it.’ Because I don’t know her, you see. I don’t really know anything about your daughter.
‘Well, I think it’s a great idea.’
‘And hopefully,’ Hannah adds, ‘it’ll get her in the wedding mood.’
Ryan pauses, then asks, ‘Are you in the wedding mood, Han?’
Hannah frowns in the darkness. ‘What d’you mean?’
He hesitates, and the hand which has been stroking her back and shoulders comes to a halt. ‘I … just think you seem a bit tense, that’s all.’
‘Um, just wedding nerves, I guess.’
‘Not getting cold feet, are you?’ he asks.
‘No, of course not. It’s just … I don’t know. Right now, it doesn’t seem quite real. I’d never imagined getting married, being a wife.’
‘But you’re glad I put the idea in your head?’
‘Yes, of course I am. Actually, no one’s ever asked me before.’
‘But they all wanted to, I bet,’ he says affectionately.
‘Hey, less of the all…’
They lie in silence for a few moments, and Hannah hears Josh padding to the bathroom.
‘Maybe you should plan a hen night,’ Ryan adds.
‘It’s funny, but Sadie was saying the same thing.’
‘Well, I’m having one.’
‘What, a hen night? I didn’t think you were the type, darling, for the L-plates and the bunny ears.’
‘No, a stag party. Not a stag stag party,’ Ryan adds quickly. ‘Not your gigantic piss-up and being stripped naked and tied to a lamppost …’
‘Come on, I know you’d love that …’
‘No,’ he insists, ‘I just mean something to mark the occasion. You should do something too.’
‘Ryan,’ she says firmly, ‘if I was having a hen night, I’d want Sadie and Lou to be there.’
‘But that’s not impossible, is it?’
‘Well, there’s the little matter of Sadie having the twins and Lou being in York, plus they’re coming to the wedding so I can’t really expect them to schlep down to London twice in six weeks …’
‘How about rounding up some of your other friends?’
Hannah shakes her head. ‘I’d only keep wishing those two were there. Anyway,’ she adds, realising they’re forgetting to whisper, ‘I’m really pleased about Saturday. I thought me and Daisy could choose her bridesmaid’s outfit, if you don’t mind not being there …’
‘No,’ he chuckles. ‘You go ahead. I’m happy to leave that to you two.’
You two, thinks Hannah as sleep starts to close in on her, as if they might possibly become a little gang. And somewhere down the line, perhaps there’ll be another person in the gang. A baby – a little brother or sister for Daisy and Josh.
Hannah wants to mention it – to say, ‘I think I’m ready, Ryan. I can now almost imagine myself being a mother.’ But as she turns to him, Josh makes a rather noisy exit from the bathroom, shutting the door unnecessarily firmly behind him.
It’s as if he’s reminding them that he’s there, awake and prowling around on the landing, ensuring that no future babies are made. And by the time she hears Josh’s bedroom light click off, Ryan has already fallen asleep.
TWELVE
Sadie isn’t used to attending birthday parties at 11 am on a Saturday. In fact she isn’t used to attending babies’ birthday parties at any time of day, and hopes that her present, tucked into the little wire compartment beneath the buggy, will be deemed acceptable. The whole business of toys seems terribly complex these days. Sadie grew up in Liverpool, playing with the ordinary things little girls played with back then – Barbie, Sindy, a severed doll’s head on which you could practise make-up techniques. None of the children she’s encountered on the Little Hissingham coffee-morning circuit seem to own such things. The babies have scrunchy bead-filled bags to encourage fine-motor skills, while their older siblings play with tasteful wooden construction kits and Brio train sets. It’s good to be invited, though, Sadie reminds herself, as this suggests that she’s starting to belong.
‘So