The Giggle-a-Day Joke Book. Литагент HarperCollins USD

nothing gets under their skin!

       Liam Joynt

      What do you get if you meet Dracula on the coldest night of the year?

      Frostbite!

       Lindzy Westmoreland

      Why are monsters at home in the jungle?

       Because it’s full of creepers!

       Daniel Edgerton

      A boy was walking down the street when he saw a sea monster standing on the corner looking lost. The boy put a lead on the monster and took him to the police station. ‘You should take him to the museum,’ said the policeman. The next day the policeman saw the boy in the street, again with the sea monster on a lead. ‘I thought I told you to take that monster to the museum,’ said the policeman. ‘I did’ said the boy, ‘and today, I’m taking him to the cinema!’

       Gloria Hunniford

      SCHOOL

      TEACHER: If you had £2 in one jacket pocket and £2 in the other jacket pocket, what would you have?

      PUPIL: Someone else’s jacket, Miss!

       Bob Holness, Ros Holness & Dougie Parker

      A teacher brought her two parrots into class – one red and one green. They both flew out of an open window, and on to the branch of a tree. One of the pupils offered to go and fetch them. He came back with just the red parrot. ‘I left the other one in the tree, Miss,’ he said, ‘because it’s not ripe yet!’

       Kieran Johnstone

      TEACHER: If you have £6 and your dad gives you another £9, what would you have?

      PUPIL: £6, Miss.

      TEACHER: You don’t know your arithmetic, boy.

      PUPIL: You don’t know my dad, Sir!

       Rob Dixon

      TEACHER: If you have five chocolate bars and your little brother asks for one, how many will you have left?

      PUPIL: Five, of course!

       Tanya Read

      On a school outing, Alex ran out of money and borrowed £5 from his teacher. On the train back home he wanted a hamburger so he borrowed another £1 from his teacher, promising to give it back the next day. The next day Alex came into school clutching a squid that had a bandage around one of its tentacles. ‘Here’s the sick squid I owe you, Miss!’ he said.

       Alice Bradley

      TEACHER: Name me two days of the week beginning with T.

      PUPIL: Today and tomorrow, Miss!

       Jack Maymon

      ‘I’ve got a cousin with three feet,’ said a boy to his teacher. ‘How odd. How do you know?’ asked the teacher. The boy replied ‘Mum got a letter from her sister this morning, and she said that her eldest son had grown another foot during the last year!’

       Tara Haycock

      TEACHER: What’s the most important thing to remember in a chemistry lesson?