and collected, not when her world was spinning out of her control. She wanted to shake a few leaves off his tree.
“It’s who I am.” She couldn’t help the defensiveness in her voice.
A tawny brow arched. “Must be very fulfilling.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Anger stirred in his eyes. “Nothing.” A leaf fell.
Something inside Rachel made her want to pick a fight. Anything to distract herself from what lay ahead with Mom G. “You obviously meant something by that remark, Josh. If you’ve something to say to me, then say it.”
“You’ve changed,” he stated matter-of-factly, his gaze assessing.
She almost smiled. Almost. The woman she’d become was very different from the young girl who’d left. “What? I’m not mousy like you remember?”
“You were never mousy.”
She chose to ignore the compliment in his tone. “My job’s very satisfying. What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing.” The tension visible in his jaw claimed he was far from the ambivalence suggested in his tone. “But it doesn’t leave much room for anything else, does it?”
“I’ve never wanted anything else.” She narrowed her gaze. “Why are you still so angry?”
“I’m not angry.” His denial rang false. Leaves fell all over the place.
“Yes, you are.” She put voice to the suspicion she’d always had. “You’re angry not because I became a doctor, but because you didn’t get what you wanted.”
He looked her square in the eye, his expression derisive and taut. “You’re right, Rachel. I didn’t get what I wanted. I wanted you.”
“You didn’t want me,” she scoffed. “You wanted a wife.”
“I wanted you to be my wife.”
“No, Josh. You wanted a cookie-cutter wife. Someone you could put in a box and mold to your specifications. And it didn’t take you six months after I left to find one, did it?” Her own anger and pain reared up, making her chest ache. “That only proves how deep your undying love went, doesn’t it?”
He drew back. Hurt—desolate and unmistakable—darkened his hazel eyes. “I did love you, Rachel.”
He sounded sincere. But then, he’d always sounded sincere. “Oh, save it, Josh. I’m not buying it this time.”
“What did you expect? You left and made it very clear you weren’t coming back.” The sarcasm in his tone dug at her heart.
“But I hadn’t given up hope that we’d work things out once I finished school.” Hurt-filled tears burned behind her eyes, making her more angry that she was losing her control. Shaking her head, she admitted, “I lay in my dorm room every night and agonized over my decision. Was being a doctor worth the risk of losing you?” She gave a bitter laugh. “But I never really had you.”
Josh opened his mouth, but no words came. His perplexed expression galvanized her into adding, “You never once checked on me. No phone call. No letters. Nothing.”
He shook his head. “I was hurt and angry, Rachel. You chose your dream of being a doctor over my love. I certainly didn’t think you wanted to hear from me.” His tone seethed with anger and resignation.
“No, you were too busy planning your wedding.” Thinking about the blonde who’d been after him all through high school made her insides twist with…jealousy? No, never. “And how’s dear Andrea?”
A spasm of pain, or perhaps guilt, crossed his features. “Andrea’s dead.” He stepped around her and walked toward the elevators.
Shock doused her anger like a swollen rain cloud emptying itself. “Oh, no.” Sympathy and regret tore through her, and she hurried after him. “Wait. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
He jabbed his finger on the elevator call button. “Not your problem.”
She reached out, wishing she could retract her words. Josh reared away as if she were contaminated. Stung, she let her hand drop to her side. Feeling small and petty, she said softly, “I’m truly sorry.”
The elevator doors opened and he stepped in. He turned and stared at her, his eyes cold with fury and his face a hard mask of stone. An oak tree never looked so intimidating.
“Josh, please,” she implored, wanting somehow to make amends.
He looked away and the elevator doors slid shut in her face, leaving her alone.
Should she go after him?
Rachel took a deep, shuddering breath. Her unruly tongue had caused enough damage for one day. Leaving Josh alone and staying as far away from him as possible while she was in town was the best thing she could do for him…and herself.
Andrea was dead.
Compassion filled her heart to overwhelming proportions. She ached for what Josh had lost. His wife, his helpmate, his dream.
How long ago had Andrea died? How did she die? Did they have children? Goose bumps of remorse tightened Rachel’s skin.
Years ago, she’d made it clear to Mom G. the subject of Josh and his bride was off-limits. She hadn’t wanted her assumptions of his picture-perfect life confirmed. How arrogant she’d been.
The resentment she’d used to close off the pain of Josh’s marriage deteriorated, exposing her to fresh wounds.
Slowly she walked back down the hall, rubbing away the goose bumps from her arm.
How had Josh taken the news of Andrea’s death? Had he been with her at the end? Or had he been at work and received a call? How had the doctor told him? With compassion? Coldness? Understanding? Detachment?
The questions plagued her mind. And she welcomed them as she stopped in front of Mom G.’s door. As painful as it was, thinking about Josh kept her from worrying about Mom G.
Rachel leaned against the wall and closed her eyes.
Lord, why does life have to hurt so badly?
She hoped, when all was said and done, she’d have enough mortar left in her to repair the crumbling wall around her heart.
“Dr. Maguire?”
Rachel’s eyelids jerked open. She pushed away from the wall. “Dr. Kessler?”
He smiled kindly, his big gray eyes peering at her through his glasses. “Olivia’s asking for you.”
Relief surged in her chest. “How—how is she?”
“Holding her own for the moment.”
Relief gave way to a dull ache at the words meant to give comfort but not false hope. She nodded her thanks and stepped into the room. Her footsteps faltered slightly as she approached the bed.
A nurse hovered over Mom G. For a panicked moment Rachel feared something was wrong, that she wouldn’t have a chance to tell Mom G. how much she loved her, how much she appreciated her.
The nurse straightened and moved away, a reassuring smile on her face. Rachel resumed walking, her heart rate slowing to normal. As she reached the bedside, Mom G.’s eyes opened and she smiled. “I’m so happy to see you.”
Rachel winced at how weak and breathless her mother sounded. Taking her hand, Rachel held on tight. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner.” She wanted to say she should have been called right away but she didn’t want to lay guilt on Mom G. It would serve no purpose.
“You’re here, now. There’s so much to say before—”
“Don’t even go there,” Rachel interjected. “We’re going to make you well. I’m