She hadn’t even cried like this when she’d buried her mother. She had nothing to cry about. Her life was almost perfect. She’d loved her mother, but it had been a relief after eleven years of illness when she finally passed away quietly in the night. Amanda had been eighteen when her mother became ill. She was thirty-two and only now discovering the wonders of pursuing interests of her own.
Was it any wonder she hadn’t wanted to rush into a marriage three years ago where she would have had all the responsibility of caring for a husband? She’d been flattered by Jake’s attention, delighted by the prospect of having a boyfriend, looked forward to dating him and discovering the pleasures to be enjoyed by two consenting adults.
Only that hadn’t turned out quite like she’d thought it would, either.
“Are you okay?” Rabb asked.
He was smoothing her short-cropped brown hair with his hand. It was a comforting gesture; there was nothing sexual about it. Nonetheless, it felt sensual.
Maybe that had something to do with the way her body was pressed against his from shoulders to thighs. She had no idea how her hands had ended up around his neck. Suddenly she disengaged herself and stood back.
“Thank you,” she said. She felt awkward again, when there was no reason for it. Rabb was Jake’s brother. And a friend.
“Jake doesn’t suffer fools gladly,” Rabb said.
“I know,” Amanda said, managing a wobbling smile. “I don’t know as much as I’d like to about him, but I do know that.”
“And he has a soft spot for Hope Butler,” Rabb said.
“It seems so.” She was engaged to a man she admired, and soon they would be married. But there were issues they hadn’t discussed.
One of them was Hope.
Even a blind man could see the girl was infatuated with Jake. Oh, he’d pointedly ignored her all afternoon. Until that cowboy had flirted a little too much and Jake had jumped in to save her. So maybe he hadn’t been quite as unaware of Hope as he’d pretended. What did that mean? Anything?
Amanda felt tears stinging her nose again. If only Jake hadn’t ruined her beautiful gazebo. She loved that silly, impractical structure. She’d planted morning glories all around, and they’d grown through the lattice, creating a cool, sweet-smelling haven when she’d wanted to be alone to think. Now lattice and greenery alike had been ravaged by the fight between her fiancé and one of his drunken hired hands over another woman.
Another woman. She found it hard to think of Hope Butler as a woman. She’d taught Hope in high school, and Amanda still remembered chastising the girl for being late to class, for popping bubble gum, for a dozen other infractions, none of which had kept Hope from getting an A in her class. Hope was smart and she did her work.
The Hope Butler who’d turned up today was trying to look and act like someone much older. And not doing it well.
Amanda surveyed her gazebo and sighed. “I think I’ll take you up on that offer, Rabb. That is, if you let me pay you.”
“There’ll be no charge.”
“I can’t let you do that,” she protested.
“Then I’ll take it out in trade.”
She raised an eyebrow and he continued. “I’ll come by after church tomorrow, and you can make me lunch.”
Amanda smiled. “Done. I’m a good cook. What would you like to have?”
“Meat loaf and mashed potatoes.”
At that moment, Jake appeared at her shoulder, and she realized she was making plans to have a single man other than her fiancé over for supper. His brother, no less.
“Uh, Jake, would you like to join Rabb and me for supper tomorrow?”
“I promised my brother Colt and his wife that I’d take care of their two kids for the next two weeks, while they take a vacation. It’s the last chance they’ll have to be alone before their third child is born. You two want to come over and join me?” Jake asked.
“No,” Amanda said quickly. She was afraid she’d said it too quickly. She didn’t want Jake thinking she didn’t enjoy his company. It was the kids she wanted to avoid. The same aversion to responsibility that had kept her from committing herself to a husband, had also made her leery of kids. She’d had enough of caretaking to last her a lifetime.
Maybe someday she would want children of her own, but she’d spent too many years changing diapers for her mother to want that kind of obligation again anytime soon. She’d loved her mother and, given the choice again, she would make the same sacrifice. But she wouldn’t have been human if there hadn’t been days when she resented the restrictions her mother’s illness had placed on her life.
Now that she could make a choice, was it any wonder she wanted her life to stay as carefree as possible? Was it so wrong to want to make up for those long years when freedom had been impossible?
“If you don’t mind,” she said. “I’d really like to get my gazebo repaired as soon as possible.”
“I’d offer to fix it for you,” Jake said, “but I know Rabb’s a better carpenter.”
The two men exchanged a look that Amanda couldn’t decipher.
“When will we see each other again?” Amanda asked Jake.
“As a matter of fact, I’d like some time alone with you now, if that’s all right,” Jake said.
The two men exchanged another look that Amanda found equally perplexing, before Rabb turned to her and said, “I’ll see you tomorrow, Amanda.”
“Thanks, Rabb. See you then.”
A moment later he was gone, and she was alone with Jake.
It was ridiculous to feel awkward being alone with her fiancé. They were getting married in two weeks. Jake would be entitled to all sorts of intimacies then. As would she.
Amanda looked at Jake, wondering what it would feel like to have his hands on her naked flesh. It was as though her thoughts had conjured action. Because Jake took a step and drew her into his embrace.
She barely managed to keep herself from stiffening as she felt his hips pressing against hers. Even so, she pushed at his shoulders and leaned back enough to look into his eyes.
“What happened today?” she asked.
He averted his gaze. “He was my hired hand. It was my responsibility to keep him in line.”
“Hmm.” She raised a hand to brush at a lock of black hair that had fallen over his forehead. “What about that trip upstairs with Hope? Is it your job to keep her in line, too?”
He brought his gaze back to bear on her, and she felt her heart clench at the tortured look in his eyes.
“That girl gets under my skin,” he admitted. “She’s a nuisance. That’s all. She’s promised to keep her distance from now on.”
“Until the wedding? Or afterward, too?”
He lifted a brow. “Are you jealous of her? You don’t need to be. You’re the one I’m marrying.”
Amanda felt doubt niggling at her, but she wasn’t sure how far she wanted to push Jake. He’d never said he loved her. But she’d never said the words to him, either. It had just been…understood.
“Kiss me, Jake,” she said. Make me feel loved. Reassure me that we’re doing the right thing.
His mouth came down on hers an instant later, hard and demanding. His hand rose to cup her breast, but she pressed herself harder against him, making it difficult for him to touch her. His hand slid down between them, across her abdomen, and her body tensed as she waited for his touch.
Before