She knew she’d never forget, she didn’t want to forget, but she did want to be able to live her life without memories of Danny shadowing her every move. She missed him but she missed her old self too. She wanted a chance to find the old Sophie, the one who had smiled and laughed, and she suspected it would be easier to remember how she used to be if she wasn’t constantly being reminded of what she’d lost.
Her mind was made up and Luke should know that once she made up her mind she very rarely changed it. She tried to appease him. ‘I appreciate your concern but it’s not like I don’t know what to expect.’
‘Theory and practice are two very different things. I’m not pretending I understand the technicalities of your job but I do know about working in difficult environments and having to rely on others to get the job done. Working in Antarctica can’t be the same as working in a city with all the support networks.’
‘I know exactly what type of situations I might need to deal with,’ she said. ‘I admit I haven’t worked in quite the same conditions but I have worked with the Antarctic Medicine Unit for two years. I have to trust everyone to do their part and they have to trust me to do mine.’
‘But are you ready?’
Sophie knew what Luke was asking. It wasn’t a question about her skills as a doctor, he’d have to trust her on that, it was a question about her state of mind. Sophie knew he was concerned about her and he deserved an honest answer.
‘I don’t know.’ She’d been working towards this goal for the past six months—it had given her something to focus on since losing Danny. It had stopped her going crazy with grief and loneliness. It had seemed like a good idea but now that the moment was here, and sooner than she’d expected, she just had to hope she was making the right decision. ‘I think I’m ready. The powers that be in the Antarctic programme seem to think so and I’m their best option. I have to be ready. They need me and I need to go.’ She had to trust that the decision makers knew what they were doing. She knew her medical skills would be sufficient and she must have passed all the psych tests or they wouldn’t be sending her. She had to believe she was ready.
This move would be a test for her. She knew that but she wanted to push herself, she needed to challenge herself. Danny had brought out the best in her, he had helped her to shine, and she was finding it hard to believe she’d be okay without him. That she could be okay. Danny had been her first and only love, and she’d never imagined having to live without him, but that was her reality. She needed to know if she could survive on her own.
She knew Luke was worried for her but she had to do this.
‘I realise I’ll either love it or hate it,’ she continued, ‘but I want to do something. I have to do something. I can’t stay here and, to be honest, while I’ll admit I’m nervous I’m also excited. I’ve been living day to day, getting up in the morning just aiming to get through one more day. This goal has given me something to look forward to. It’s given me a reason to keep going.’
She knew that if the psychologists heard her last sentence they’d probably think twice about sending her to the ice. She didn’t want Luke to think she was a basket case too so she tried to explain her feelings more succinctly.
‘I get up in the morning and the house is quiet. There’s none of Danny’s stuff lying around, getting in my way. There are no piles of shoes, different ones for hiking, running, riding, paddling, abseiling and gardening. No ropes or tents or backpacks to trip over. No maps spread across the kitchen table.
‘I’m never going to get that back and I miss it. I miss him. I miss listening to his big plans, listening to him plan our future and the future of the business. I felt like he took my future with him and this might be my chance to get it back. It won’t be the same future, I’ve lost that, but perhaps it could be worth something.’
‘Why haven’t you told me this before? I thought you were coping.’
‘I am coping.’ She was, most days. ‘But that’s all I’m doing. I’m not living and I want to live again. I’ve lost Danny but I’ve also lost myself. I don’t want to be sad and lonely any more. I need to get moving. I have to do something. This might make or break me but I have to try it.’ She smiled. ‘You can’t pretend you’re not a little bit jealous. I know this type of adventure would be right up your alley.’
Luke laughed. ‘You’re right. It’s exactly the sort of thing I’d love to have a crack at. Danny would have too.’ He paused and considered her carefully before continuing. ‘Are you sure you’re doing this for you and not out of some misguided tribute to Danny?’
Sophie knew that Danny was part of the reason she was going. Despite working for the Antarctic Medicine Unit for two years she hadn’t ever originally intended to leave the mainland and head three thousand plus kilometres south to Antarctica. She and Danny and Luke had been inseparable since high school but the boys had been the adrenalin junkies while she had been far more conservative. Maybe this adventure was out of character for her but she wasn’t foolish enough to venture out of her comfort zone without careful consideration of her reasons.
She thought Danny would be proud of her but that wasn’t her main motivation. She had been going quietly mad, sitting in Hobart. There were too many memories. She hoped this adventure would be the catalyst to allow her to start again. To begin the next chapter of her life. A life without Danny.
‘I think he would be proud of me for doing this,’ she admitted, ‘but I’m not crazy enough to take up this challenge without believing I can handle it.’
‘You know I promised Danny that if anything ever happened to him I’d look after you?’ Luke said.
Sophie frowned. ‘You did?’
‘Of course. We had to consider the possibility of things going wrong on one of our treks. We had to do risk-management assessments for every expedition and we discussed what we’d do in the worst-case situation. We had to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Neither of us ever expected that something would happen that wasn’t related to work but either way the result is the same. We planned for this and discussed it, always hoping we wouldn’t need to worry about it for many years, but a promise is a promise, no matter when it’s needed.’
Danny and Luke ran an adventure holiday company, catering to all the adrenalin junkies who travelled to Tasmania to explore the wilderness. Had run, she should say. The business was now Luke’s. He’d bought Danny’s share from her, but he was right. Every time Danny had gone off on a trek she had lived in fear of a phone call telling her something had gone wrong, but she’d never anticipated the phone call would come when he was just out for a weekend ride on the outskirts of Hobart. Danny had spent most of his days in the wilderness, living on the edge—she hadn’t expected his days to come to an end in the city.
Getting knocked off his bike had been a stupid way for someone who’d spent his life trekking and white-water rafting and abseiling down cliff faces to die. He had simply gone off for a ride one morning. He’d kissed her goodbye as she’d left for work, and she hadn’t seen him alive again. The driver of the car that had killed him had been overtaking a truck on a blind corner. He’d smacked head on into Danny and the impact had been so severe that he hadn’t survived the head and chest injuries he had sustained.
And just last week Sophie had learned that the driver of the car had been released from jail. He had served six months for taking Danny’s life. It made her feel sick, just thinking about the unfairness of it all.
She was glad she was leaving. She couldn’t imagine how she would feel if she ever came face to face with the man responsible for her husband’s death. If she met him in the street she didn’t think she could be held responsible for her actions. She didn’t care that he’d expressed remorse. His stupidity had cost Danny his life. She knew she should try to forgive him but she hadn’t been able to yet. She didn’t know if she’d ever be able to.
She knew her anger at the driver was magnified by her own guilt. If she hadn’t taken an extra shift that day,