you’re wrong,” she said, ignoring the cold air chilling her exposed skin, not wanting him inside her home. “We needed to talk eight years and eight months ago, when I learned I was pregnant. Or maybe eight years and six months ago when my father figured it out and issued his ultimatum: ‘Get an abortion or get out.’”
“That sanctimonious bastard wanted you to kill our baby?” The usually calm Kyle did a convincing impression of someone ready to do a little killing himself.
“Shhh. Keep your voice down. And watch your language.” She glanced downstairs to make sure Jake wasn’t eavesdropping. Then she pulled the front door to her back, partially closing it to give them some privacy. “In dad’s mind,” she said quietly, “it was preferable to people finding out his perfect daughter had succumbed to temptation and gotten herself knocked up by the town’s teenage Lothario.”
“I wasn’t …”
He stopped before he spat out a lie.
“Okay. Maybe before I met you,” he relented. “But for the year we were together I didn’t touch another woman. I swear on my parents’ graves.”
“I know.” She crossed her arms over her chest and shivered.
“This is ridiculous. You’re freezing. Come on, Tori. Let me in.”
Come on, Tori. One quick feel. Under your bra this time. I swear I’ll be the perfect student for the rest of the hour … Come on, Tori. Live a little. Just strip down and jump in. I promise I won’t look … Come on, Tori. I want to show you how much I love you. Let me love you …
She shook her head to clear it. This flip-flopping between past and present had to stop. “The girl you knew as Tori died the day you left town,” she said.
“You make it sound like I suddenly decided, hey, let me run out on my girlfriend today. I’ve got nothing better to do. Why don’t I pick up and leave everything I know behind? Oh, and while I’m at it, I can rip out my heart and smash hers to bits in the process.” He leaned in, his eyes locked on hers. “If you’d known me at all,” he said, “if you’d loved me as much as you said you did, if you’d trusted me at all, you should have known in your heart I’d never have done such a thing.”
He threw her words back in her face. Maybe he was right. “But you did leave. And since I haven’t heard from you for almost nine years, I had absolutely no idea why. You knew where I was. At any time you could have called me to explain why you left, to ask me what I’d said to the sheriff. If you couldn’t reach me, you could have asked Aunt Livi or Ali to get me a message. But you chose not to.”
Victoria inhaled deeply, tired from a long day at work, drained and ready to be finished with this conversation. “None of this matters anymore.”
“It sure as hell does matter.” The sound of the storm door banging into the side of the house made her jump. “I’ve had a son for eight years and no one thought it necessary to tell me?”
“How was I supposed to tell you? I had no idea where you were.”
“You were a very resourceful girl who has no doubt grown into a very resourceful woman.” His voice turned cold. “If you wanted to find me you could have.”
She’d thought about trying, many times. Early on when she’d been so scared about the pregnancy and childbirth, then again, after Aunt Livi’s death, when she’d been desperate for help, for a break from Jake’s incessant crying, for protection from the creditors who’d called night and day. But she’d convinced herself if he didn’t want her, then she didn’t want him. And as much as it pained her to admit it, a part of her had been relieved to not have to deal with the issue of sex between them.
As if during her silence he’d come to some realization, he lifted his hand and ran a gentle finger down the side of her face. “We have a son.”
She didn’t want his tenderness. Not now. “I know we have a son,” she snapped. “I carried him inside my body for nine months. I logged hundreds of miles walking him up and down these hallways when he suffered from colic. I stayed awake night after night because he’d only sleep propped up on my chest and I was scared to fall asleep with him in my bed. I’ve bathed him, bandaged his scrapes and cuddled him when he’s had nightmares. I have taken care of him, loved him, and provided for him as best I could every single day since he was born.”
“If I was here I would have—”
“What you would have done doesn’t matter. It’s what you actually did that matters. And you left. Without a care for me or Jake.”
“If I’d known about Jake I never would have left.”
“So I didn’t matter but a son would have? My father was right about you all along.” She took on a husky man-voice and repeated her father’s harsh words. “A boy like that will ruin your life, Victoria. He’ll find a way to latch onto you and drag you down.” She glared at Kyle and asked the question that’d haunted her for years. “Did you even wear a condom that night? Or were you trying to get me pregnant?”
He recoiled like she’d taken a swing at him.
Years of suppressed hurt, anger, and resentment surged to the surface with a force she couldn’t contain. “Don’t pretend the thought never crossed your mind. My father told me about his visit to the garage to warn you to stay away from me, and his threat that if you didn’t he’d see to it that you did. Is it pure coincidence that very evening you surprised me at the library, took me to a secluded spot, and made it impossible for me to say no?”
“This is insane. I never set out to get you pregnant. You’re turning a beautiful memory into something tawdry.”
“Beautiful memory? You’re joking, right? We were crammed into the back seat of your car. I felt crushed beneath you. I couldn’t move, could barely breathe.”
He looked physically ill. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
At first, she hadn’t spoken up because he’d aroused her to the point she had to know what came next. She’d loved Kyle, had wanted to be with him, wanted him to find pleasure in her body. But as the car heated and the windows steamed up, as his passion increased and his body covered hers, panic had taken over, transporting her back to that terrifying day in the closet.
Not thinking clearly, she’d allowed her father’s words to seep in and take hold. If you don’t keep quiet you’ll have to endure it another half-hour. Keep quiet, she’d instructed herself over and over, just like she’d done all those years before. And using the coping mechanism she’d mastered as a child, she’d imagined she was somewhere else.
After he’d left town, she couldn’t help wondering if he’d been able to tell. If he’d found her so inadequate and disappointing that he couldn’t bring himself to face her.
“Look. I knew your father meant business,” he said. “I thought that night might be the last time we’d be together. I wanted to be your first. I wanted you to always remember it. I wanted you to remember me.”
Oh, she remembered him all right, but not in the way he’d intended. “What about what I wanted? Did you give any thought to that? Because I sure didn’t want to be pregnant at seventeen. I didn’t want to be joked about and ostracized by the kids at school. I didn’t want to miss out on my senior year, senior prom and giving my valedictorian speech. I didn’t want to forego Harvard to get stuck in this small town, going to community college, and owing years of my life to the hospital that paid my tuition. I didn’t want a baby. I didn’t want to lose my father’s love. I didn’t want any of it!”
“You didn’t want me?” a small voice said.
Her son’s voice.
Victoria stiffened, her carefully constructed world crumbling under her feet. Slowly she turned to see Jake standing at the bottom of the stairs. “Honey, I …”
With hurt, wet eyes