machine, she thought. That’s what he’s become. Just a machine. It was always bound to happen. Even back then he had his life planned out, a straight path, dead ahead, and no distractions to the left or the right. He said so.
Why did I ever worry? I didn’t make any impact on him. Not in the end.
It had been so simple to promise herself that she would win Andrew’s heart. But as week had followed week in silence she’d faced the fact that he’d returned to Lilian and forgotten her. She’d pictured them together, laughing about her.
‘You should have seen this silly little kid I met,’ he must have said. ‘Thought she was grown up, but didn’t have a clue.’
He might have telephoned to see how she was, but he didn’t.
She could have screamed. How could she make him fall in love with her if he wasn’t there?
For lack of anything better to do, she continued going out with the kids in the gang, although after Andrew their conversation sounded juvenile, and their concerns meaningless. The boys talked about the girls, the girls sighed over pop stars and made eyes at the boys. The talk was mildly indecent in an ignorant sort of way.
Then Jack Smith appeared among them. He was a motor mechanic, brashly handsome, and twenty-one. He fixed on Ellie as the best-looking girl in town, and his admiration, following Andrew’s departure, warmed her.
‘A smasher, that’s what you are,’ he told her one night when they were all sitting at a table outside a pub. ‘Bet you could have any feller you wanted.’
‘She could,’ Grace agreed. ‘You should have seen her at our birthday party. They were all over her. Even Andrew.’
‘No, he wasn’t,’ Ellie’s honesty compelled her to say. ‘He was saving me from the others.’
‘Oh, go on! What happened when he got you alone? You’ve never told.’
‘And I’m never going to.’
There were knowing cries of ‘Ooh!’
‘Who is this Andrew?’ Jack demanded.
‘My snooty elder brother,’ Grace said. ‘He carried Ellie out of the party thrown over his shoulder, like a caveman.’
‘No, he didn’t,’ Ellie corrected. ‘He just lifted me off the floor a bit.’
‘But he’d have liked to throw you over his shoulder, wouldn’t he?’
Ellie would have given a lot to know the answer to that question herself.
‘Bet he fancies you really,’ Grace persisted.
‘Don’t think so,’ Ellie said, clinging onto truthfulness with a touch of desperation. It was hard because her pride was involved. ‘Don’t forget about Lilian.’
‘Bet you could make him forget Lilian,’ Grace nagged. ‘Bet you could if you set your mind to it.’
‘Ellie could make anyone fall in love with her,’ Jack said admiringly. ‘Whether she had a mind to or not.’
‘Not Andrew,’ Ellie said, to bring the conversation back to him. ‘Nobody will ever get under his skin.’
‘Bet you could,’ Grace obliged.
‘Bet I couldn’t,’ Ellie said, speaking gruffly to hide how much the thought pleased her.
‘Bet you could.’
‘Bet I couldn’t.’
‘Could.’
‘Couldn’t.’
‘Could.’
‘Couldn’t!’
In the end she shrugged and said, ‘Well, maybe I could if I set my mind to it. But I’m not going to.’
‘Oh, go on! It’ll be fun seeing my big brother when he’s not being so cocky.’
‘Yes,’ Ellie murmured with feeling.
‘Go on, then.’
‘No.’
‘You’re chicken.’
‘I’m not.’
‘You are.’
‘I’m not.’
‘You are.’
Goaded, she said, ‘Listen, I could have anyone I want, and that includes your snooty brother. But I’m not interested in him.’
‘So pretend.’
‘I’ll think about it.’
Like children squabbling in the playground, she thought, years later. That was the level of the conversation that had ultimately broken a man’s heart.
Even as a child Andrew had been orderly about remembering dates and details. For a man of science it was very useful.
But there were times he would have been glad of a little forgetfulness. His brother’s birthday, for instance, which came exactly seven weeks and three days after Grace’s birthday party; seven weeks and three days after the night he’d met Ellie; seven weeks and two days since he’d fled her, six weeks and five days since he’d returned home to find her there and known that it had been useless to run and a mistake to return.
It would be an even worse mistake to attend Johnny’s birthday festivities and risk another meeting. But his mother said it was his family duty, and duty was something Andrew never shirked.
When the day came he set out, armed with a gift for his brother, but as he reached town it occurred to him to buy something for his mother too, and headed for the nearest department store.
And there was Ellie, serving on the cosmetics counter, laughing with a customer as she demonstrated a perfume on her wrist. She didn’t see Andrew at first, so that he had time to stand and watch her. And in that moment he knew that all the discipline and control, all the mental tricks to blot her out, had been for nothing, and the truth was that he had thought of her night and day since their last meeting.
She looked up and saw him. Smiled. He smiled back. It was all over.
When the customer had gone he approached her, heart thumping. To cover his confusion he made his face sterner and more rigid than usual.
‘Good morning,’ he said, almost fiercely.
‘Hey, don’t bite my head off,’ she protested, laughing. ‘What have I done wrong?’
‘Nothing,’ he said hastily. ‘I only said good morning.’
‘You made it sound like the crack of doom.’
Her smile touched him again, and this time he relaxed a little. ‘I’m looking for something for my mother,’ he told her. ‘I don’t see why Johnny should have all the gifts.’
‘Johnny?’
‘His nineteenth birthday.’
‘Is it? I didn’t know.’
‘But aren’t you coming to the party?’ he asked, dismayed.
‘I haven’t seen much of Johnny lately,’ she said with a light shrug. ‘Do you want perfume, or lipstick, or—?’
‘Pardon?’
‘For your mother.’
‘My mother? Oh, yes, her present.’
Pull yourself together, he thought. You’re burbling like an idiot.
‘What sort of make-up does she wear?’ Ellie asked.
‘Um…’ He looked at her, wild-eyed, and she laughed at his confusion. But not unkindly.
‘I’ll bet you’ve never noticed