Me Vs. Me. Sarah Mlynowski

My BlackBerry buzzes a few times, but it’s only sports scores. When I’m done eating, I strip off my clothes, wash off my makeup, replace the couch pillows, make my bed and then climb underneath the sheets. Tired and happy, I think about potential stories for tomorrow. Maybe the defense attorney will be willing to speak to us. Maybe someone will find the Cookie Cutter. What will happen with the hurricane? I cannot wait to chase these stories.

      Crap. Tomorrow—maybe I should call it re-today?—I won’t be doing any chasing. More likely, I’m going to be getting chased. By my future mother-in-law.

      5

      My Mothers, Myself

      Considering how abnormal my life is, the next few days (actually several for me, a few for the rest of the world) pass by in a relatively normal way. Note relatively.

      First, on Monday in Arizona, my mother calls at eight (yes, eight) to tell me that she’s still mad at me. I grovel until she’s satiated, and then just when I fall back to sleep, Alice calls. Groan. Both mothers on my first official day of being unemployed. Fate can be cruel.

      Though, my mother, I can handle. My mother, I can tell off. But the Number One rule in any book of practical etiquette is “Don’t piss off your future mother-in-law.” In other words, wait until after the wedding to tell her, for instance, you will not be hanging that lovely portrait of her on your bedroom wall. Otherwise an argument might ensue, and what if your fiancé sides with Mommie Dearest? You get to be the queen only after you ascend to the throne. So when Alice calls me on Monday morning at nine (yes, nine), demanding that my mother and I come by that afternoon so we can all “get our heads together,” I remain composed.

      My mother does not do the let’s-get-our-heads-together thing. At least, not well. “My mom doesn’t get back until tomorrow morning,” I explain, trying to keep the exasperation out of my voice.

      Alice sighs. Loudly. “All right, Gabrielle, but don’t blame me if we can’t get everything done on time and your wedding is a huge disaster.”

      “Why don’t we just meet tomorrow.” I pull the comforter over my head in the hopes that she’ll go away.

      She sighs again. “Fine.”

      “Let’s meet at night so Cam can come, too.”

      She laughs. Shrilly. “No. We don’t need Cam.”

      “Really? I think we kind of do.”

      “Trust me, he’s not going to care. He doesn’t want to be bothered with the small details. Let him worry about work, and we’ll worry about the wedding. I’ll see you at four tomorrow.” She hangs up.

      I call back my mother and ask if she’ll come with me to Alice’s.

      She groans. “Do I have to?”

      “Mom! It’s my wedding.”

      “I know, but I don’t want to go to Alice’s. She sounded so…Martha Stewart. But without the good taste and prison stories. She made me want to throw up a little.”

      “Hey, you’re talking about my future mother-in-law.”

      “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. But she does.”

      “Mom.”

      “Fine, I’ll come. My plane lands at eleven. Should I meet you there?”

      “Yes. At four.” I tell her the address and wait as she types it into her planner.

      “Done,” she says. “Wait. I don’t have to bring anything, do I? Like freshly baked cookies?”

      This whole situation is making me want to throw up a little, too. “No. Just come.”

      Once I’m up, I call the person who bought my car and ask him if there’s any way, if it’s at all possible, if I renege on the sale. “I’m really sorry, but I’m not moving now and I really need my car—”