Always in the Kitchen at Parties: Simple Tools for Instant Confidence. Leil Lowndes

wouldn’t hang a heavy sign round your neck with ‘I Am Shy’ scrawled on it. Revealing it to too many people, however, can often be just as much of an albatross. Besides, labelling yourself ‘shy’ is inaccurate. You are a complex mixture of an immeasurable number of qualities. To choose just one puts unnecessary emphasis on it.

      Calling yourself shy could be a perilous self-fulfilling prophesy. When you tell people you’re shy, you are not just telling others. You are telling yourself as well. And that’s the person who really counts.

       “ Our daughter was on track to becoming terminally shy. One day after someone called her ‘shy’ I had a ‘Eureka!’ moment. I wondered if part of the reason why shy children become shy is that grown-ups call them shy when they exhibit shy behaviour around them. We see this all the time – ‘Oh, aren’t you the shy one?’ or ‘She’s so shy, isn’t she?’ right in front of them as if they weren’t there. When powerful people like grown-ups label us as shy, maybe we end up believing them and begin to self-label ourselves, developing that tendency most of us have to be a little reticent in the outside world into a fully-fledged personality habit called shyness.

       Right then and there I talked to my wife and suggested that we never use the ‘S’ word to describe our daughter again, either in front of her or to other people. I also asked all our family members and friends not to describe her as ‘shy’, even if it was true at that time. Hopefully, if we didn’t put a name to it, the shyness phase would pass.

       It has definitely helped. While she’s not the most outgoing kid in year 7, she is perfectly happy telling kids and adults stories and jokes, and has developed a fundamental self-confidence that is definitely not shyness. Kids are listening all the time, aren’t they, so we better be careful with what we say around them!”

       STEVE – VANCOUVER, BC1

      When a Label Stopped the Music for Me

      I don’t think I was destined to be a singing diva. However, someone slapped a label across my lips when I was in the seventh grade. Nary a note came out of my mouth again – at least not an on-key one.

      In 7th grade I sang in the church choir. One afternoon during a rocky rehearsal, the choirmaster turned his stern face directly towards me. ‘Someone is off-key. I want that someone to just mouth the words.’ There was no mistake who that off-key someone was. And from that day on, I sang like a crow with a cold. I still just mouth the words to ‘Happy Birthday.’

      A few years ago I was listening to the radio with an old classmate who knew I was severely musically challenged. They were playing the top 40 songs that were popular when I was in sixth grade. Just for fun I started warbling along with the radio. When I’d finished, my friend said,

      ‘Leil, that’s perfect!’

      ‘Perfect what?’

      ‘Perfect pitch.’

      ‘Couldn’t be.’

      ‘Was!’

      ‘Couldn’t be!’

      ‘Was.’

      Tentatively I tried a few more songs from those years. We were both staggered because I was right on key. But, here’s the mind-boggler: I could not sing even one song that came after that fateful ‘Someone is off-key’ day. The choir master labelled me tone deaf. Therefore I was tone deaf. A self-fulfilling prophesy.

SHYBUSTER 10:

       Don’t Burn Yourself with the ‘Shy’ Branding Iron

      Do not succumb to that deadly virus called ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’. Just like the American Association of People with Disabilities wisely says, ‘Someone in a wheelchair is not ‘‘handicapped’’ or ‘‘disabled’’.’ They are just like able-bodied people. They simply carry one more piece of baggage. And you simply carry a surplus bag called ‘shyness’. Fortunately for you, you’ll soon be able to leave that unwanted baggage behind.

tell the truth, the half-truth, and nothing but the half-truth

      How to Get Out of a Situation You’re Not Ready for – Yet!

      Suppose a friend asks you to call 20 people and tell them of the upcoming World Cup Party. But you’re still too shy to talk to 20 strangers. Is it better to ‘confess’ that you’re shy? Or should you find another excuse for wriggling out of their request?

      Actually, neither. Take the middle road and half-tell them by alluding to your shyness in a lighthearted fashion. This way you don’t make them the least bit uncomfortable, yet they get the point.

      Go ahead and use the ‘S’ word, but just in passing. Say something like, ‘Well, a shy guy like me couldn’t talk to 20 people in one day.’ Or, ‘If you were as shy as I am, you’d rather die than make 20 calls.’

      Some Savvy Shys Prefer to Laugh and ‘Warn’ People

      If this is your choice, do it in a manner that won’t make either you or them uncomfortable. Say you’re shy – but with a big smile and a ‘So what’s the big deal?’ attitude. Divulge it with lightheartedness like you’re saying, ‘I feel fantastic today.’ People listen to your tone of voice and body language much more than your words. But you knew that already.