of her own, but she tried to make do. She flew to and from Canada, where my brother and his family lived. She was a little lost now in both countries. Her often irascible daughter (me) had recently split up with her husband, and had a small child with whom Granny had a deep bond. That, I now realize, is probably what in large part kept her coming here and led her to spend more time in London.
She took in a lodger who was a friend of mine. He happened to be black: she had no idea that neighbours’ lips would curl and malicious chatter would erupt among visiting friends from abroad. She rarely talked of my father. Perhaps she felt not unlike I have in the aftermath, but it wasn’t something she could talk about or perhaps accede to. The very thought of madness, even of the everyday kind, would for her have carried a stigma. And she was proud.
When she died, purportedly of a cold, twenty years later, after two final years of Alzheimer’s had robbed her of English, French, and all recognition of her nearest, I found a few of my father’s things still in her house. A silk robe, some cufflinks, an ancient prayer shawl, rarely worn, that might well have originated before the Second World War in Poland and made its way with them through their various migrations. She still wore her wedding band. Before that last long illness took a grip on her, when she talked of my father it was always of him as a younger man, even if that brought memories of terrible times. More often, as she grew older, her own father and brother captured her attention, earlier losses that had deeply affected her. It seems one loss reinvigorates all the prior ones. Death is most at home with other deaths.
It’s shaming to admit, but I didn’t mourn her death. Her mind had left her body behind several gruelling years back, and her ultimate passing felt like a relief to everyone. Only years later did I begin to dream about her and allow her to inhabit my life once more. She would often appear with a calm, youthful smile in the kind of rural landscape I didn’t consciously associate with her, as if some part of me wanted her to be returned to a girlish innocence.
WE BURIED JOHN’S ASHES on 19 February 2016. It was a bitterly cold grey day. We planted a rose bush for him that would eventually burst with dark pink buds for the length of the summer, and surrounded him with anemones and primroses. He loved flowers, he loved digging, was a keen gardener. We read – psalms, poems, Raymond Carver’s ‘Late Fragment’, which always brings tears to my eyes, even when I’m not crying. It formed part of my ongoing inner conversation with John. I had met Carver once and remembered him as a big gentle bear of a man, though I certainly knew he wasn’t only that.
And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.
Putting John in the ground in a carefully chosen and beautiful spot at the top of a hill, not far from George Eliot, Karl Marx and Eric Hobsbawm, a friend who had also known John’s father, seemed not only crucial but an important marker. I selected the site with an eye to the fact that it was overseen by a stone angel. As importantly, we could push through brambles and stand on a ledge to see the grave from Waterlow Park, where long ago we used to take the children for walks. I thought once we had buried him on this familiar hill close to so many friends, my mind would be easier and his ghost calmer.
There was still a distance to travel, one full of potholes you could tumble into and never surface from again, without somehow acquiring a new, transformed shape.
One day, on my way home from a meeting in the Strand, I did literally tumble. It must have been April, by then. I was feeling just a little pleased with myself for having performed adequately, not fainted, managed sanity, or what passes for it, and even humour. Then, by some aberration, I decided to run for an approaching bus. I never take the bus. I hadn’t run for years. But I ran then along a crowded Aldwych, weaving between people, like some ancient rugby player toting a bright blue bag instead of a ball. The pavement wasn’t impressed. The ground under my feet rebelled. I fell flat on my face. A crowd gathered round. The pain, the shock, the humiliation were dreadful, but by some miracle, I hadn’t broken anything, not even, it turned out, my nose, though it felt distinctly out of joint. A nice young woman put me into a cab. By the time I got home my face had started to turn black and blue. The next morning, I looked like a victim of serious domestic abuse. The trouble was, I was my own domesticity.
And even then, in the midst of terrible pain, the tears didn’t come.
Nor would the ground quite hold John. A furry new revenant, a bear-like charcoal cat, silky to the touch, with a round face and intent yellow eyes, appeared. We had seen it here and there on the street for several years. I think he was a British shorthair. John had a fondness for him. Now the cat decided he really needed to move in with me. No sooner was the front door open than he would streak past and disappear into the house. I would look diligently in every room and under sofas. Invariably I would find him upstairs, curled up in pride of place on a plush red velvet armchair in John’s study, right next to his desk. I began to think he looked a little like the chair’s last incumbent. Had John been transformed into this unreadable familiar? I would carry Puss out, not wanting to leave him in the house alone. But I felt as guilty as if I were putting John, himself, out.
IN MAY, almost exactly six months after John had died, we held a memorial in Cambridge. A great deal of planning had gone into the event, not only by myself: his departmental administrator was key.
I had been looking forward to this ritual moment. Surely this would shift things, I told myself. The obsessive inner monologue would abate, the rage, the superstitions. I would no longer be quite so susceptible to the waves of grieving madness.
But I feared the event simultaneously. Universities are rarely altogether hospitable to those outsiders called partners. Close friends of ours had gathered from abroad, from America and Germany and France. His department, History and Philosophy of Science, of which he had been head for years, convened a day for students, former students and colleagues. A public memorial in the beautiful Great Hall at his college, King’s, followed, and finally drinks at the Whipple Museum of Science, which the department houses.
One-time students, colleagues and friends evoked a person I must also have known, since I had known John well, known his dedication, the breadth of his knowledge, his humour. Yet my mind kept wandering as soon as anything personal was mentioned, as if the only plot I could follow was the purely intellectual one. Everyone gave the impression of intimacy.
Neither did I always recognize the man evoked – had I so remade his image in myself that he could no longer be remembered, reassembled, reconstituted as other, outside myself? I struggled to recall half of the incidents at which I was purportedly present. I struggled to thank people graciously, even though I was so very grateful to them. I simply struggled. Remembering, putting the body and mind parts together again, seemed once more, and despite the passage of time, to reinvigorate shock and hostility. Only the Bach at the end of the proceedings, played by the talented Kryszia Osostowicz – the Sarabande in D from Partita No. 2, followed by the Largo in F Major from Sonata No. 3 – seemed to knit together ragged threads and provide peace. And the embrace of friends.
FROM THE OUTSIDE, she must seem like a thoroughly admirable, certainly a good enough widow, I thought consoling myself, after the memorial, about this other, often angry, person who was also me. Look how fittingly the memorial went. And look how hard she’s working not to die immediately even though she wants to; look how she’s struggling to make things right for her children and grandchildren so they won’t have to wade through tons of mess now or after she’s gone. Doesn’t she realize that they probably will, whatever she does?
A good enough widow.
I realized I hated the word.