had been in contact with her and his daughters for the past few years. Marlene was absolutely livid. ‘The lying fucking old bastard. Good job someone else shot him ’cause I could quite easily have done it meself now,’ she said loudly.
When Isabelle burst into tears and was comforted by Miranda, Barry asked Hymee to continue. The quicker this was over with and he got out of here, the better.
‘Would you like a couple of minutes’ break, Isabelle?’ the solicitor asked.
‘No, I’m fine,’ Isabelle replied, blowing her nose with a tissue.
‘Of course she’s fine. Who wouldn’t be fine if they’d just been left fifty grand and half a house?’ Marlene grumbled.
‘To my ex-wife, Anne, I leave the sum of twenty-five thousand pounds. I know we rarely saw eye to eye, but I hope you will accept the money as an apology for the diabolical way that I sometimes treated you in the past. I am truly sorry for my actions.’
‘I’ve got the apartment in Spain and the rest of the estate,’ Marlene whispered in Barry’s ear.
‘And last, but not least, out of the people who are present, we come to you, Marlene,’ Hymee continued, smirking at what in his opinion was an absolutely horrific excuse for a human being. ‘To my loving girlfriend, Marlene Franklin, I leave the sum of one thousand pound and my ashes. I would be grateful if Marlene—’
Marlene had no choice but to interrupt Hymee. ‘You’ve obviously read that wrong, love. Do you mean a hundred thousand pounds and you ain’t mentioned the apartment yet?’
Hymee wanted to laugh, but knew that he musn’t. ‘No, I’ve read everything correctly, Mrs Franklin. It clearly states here one thousand pounds. Now, would you like me to continue? I haven’t quite finished yet.’
For once Marlene was lost for words, so sat open-mouthed instead.
‘Now, where were we?’ Hymee said, staring at the piece of paper. ‘I think I’d better read your part from the beginning again, as I’ve now lost track of where I was up to.’
Marlene nodded dumbly.
‘To my loving girlfriend, Marlene Franklin, I leave the sum of one thousand pounds and my ashes. I would be grateful if Marlene would spend her money wisely and also cherish my remains. Perhaps she would like to invest her inheritance in some clothes that aren’t two sizes too small for her, or a wooden shed which she can live in. Or, if she wishes, she can spend it on her two fancy men – Louie, our one-time gardener, or Fernando, the young waiter who works in our bar, or perhaps doesn’t by the time this will is read. Enjoy the rest of your life, Marlene; it was truly a pleasure knowing you, darling.’
‘You didn’t, did ya? Not with Fernando?’ Barry spat, looking at his mother in absolute disgust. The boy in question was years younger than he was and was barely out of nappies.
Marlene burst into uncontrollable tears. ‘Where am I gonna live? The old cunt can’t take my home away from me, I live there. Do something Barry, do something,’ she screamed.
Barry didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. One part of him thought the whole thing was hilarious, but the sensible side of him was concerned about where his mother was going to live, because there was no way she was moving in with him.
Miranda and Isabelle were totally stunned. Anne wanted to burst out laughing, but was too frightened of having another nasty altercation with Marlene to actually do so. She would dine out on this story for many years to come with her friends, and her deceased ex-husband had suddenly gone up immensely in her estimation.
‘There must be something in there about the apartment in Spain? Me mum and Jake lived there together,’ Barry said to Hymee.
‘That’s in the final part of the will. Would you like me to read it to you now?’
Barry nodded. ‘Stop crying, Mum, and listen to the man.’
‘The rest of my estate, including my property in Spain, I wish to split equally between my two grandchildren, Molly and Abigail, and any other future grandchildren that may be born after my death. I insist it be held in trust for the kids until they are twenty-one years old and are old enough to spend it wisely. My last wish is that twenty thousand pounds be taken out of the estate fund and be given to Battersea Dogs Home. My beloved dog, Fido, came from there, and it would give me great delight to give something back to such a worthy cause.’
‘Dad was such a kind man,’ Miranda said, tearfully.
Miranda’s statement was like showing a red rag to a bull to Marlene’s ears. ‘Kind! Fucking kind! Your cunt of a father has just left me penniless, you ugly, hooked-nosed prat.’
‘Don’t you dare speak to my daughter like that, you repulsive, gold-digging whore,’ Anne replied, forgetting about her earlier wariness.
Marlene leapt out of her seat like a kangaroo. ‘I’ll talk to your moose of a daughter however I fucking wanna talk to her. As for you, did all right for yourself making up with Jake, didn’t ya? Twenty-five grand you got, yet it was me who had to suck his sweaty little cock for the past ten years and I got fuck all. Even Fido’s fucking pals in the dogs’ home got more than me and I ain’t bastard well having it. I want what’s mine.’
‘Come on, Mum, we’re going,’ Barry said, grabbing his mother roughly by the arm.
‘I ain’t going nowhere until I get what’s rightfully owed to me. As for you, you conning little cunt, you did all right an’ all, didn’t ya?’ Marlene yelled, punching her son on the chin.
When Marlene lunged at Anne and knocked over a plant pot in the process, Hymee grabbed his phone. ‘Please get her out of here as I don’t want to have to call the police,’ he said, worriedly. Hymee had sort of expected fireworks just by the description he had been given of Marlene, but he hadn’t expected the deranged woman to start smashing up his office.
Miranda and Isabelle cowered in the corner as Marlene tried to lunge at their mother once again. Marlene’s eyes looked totally insane, and she reminded them both of a wild animal who had just been let out of its cage after years of being held in captivity.
‘I’m afraid I really must ask you to leave now,’ Hymee insisted, as Marlene broke free from Barry and ran towards him.
‘Give me them fucking ashes,’ Marlene screamed.
Petrified, Hymee bent down and picked up the black urn.
‘Let’s go, muvver. You can pick the ashes up another time,’ Barry said, grabbing Marlene’s arm once again.
‘I want them now,’ Marlene screamed, in a hysterical-sounding voice.
Barry turned to Hymee. ‘Give us the ashes, mate, then we’ll go.’
Hymee handed Barry the urn and then watched in horror as Marlene snatched it off her son and took the lid off. ‘There you go, you fucking vultures. You’ve had all me cash, so you might as well have that old cunt an’ all,’ Marlene screamed, as she directed the ashes in the direction of Anne, Miranda and Isabelle.
Hymee grimaced as most of the black dust landed all over poor Isabelle. Jake wasn’t a silly man, and had known Marlene would do something awful with his ashes. ‘Hymee, my daughters might have sort of forgiven me, but they ain’t gonna bloody want my remains. Anne still hates me, I can see it in her eyes. I insist you give the ashes to Marlene for a laugh. If there is anything in all that life-after-death bollocks, I shall piss myself from up above as I watch her pour my ashes down the nearest drain,’ Jake had ordered.
‘Get Daddy off of me. Please get Daddy off of me,’ Isabelle screamed, hysterically. She was waving her arms like a lunatic as she desperately tried to remove the remains of her father from her hair and clothes.
Anne and Miranda couldn’t speak, such was their shock over what Marlene had done.
Hymee wasn’t the most manly of men, but he stood up and confronted Marlene nethertheless.