Stand and Deliver!: And other Brilliant Ways to Give Birth. Emma Mahony

you’ve run your own household, and you’re used to people doing what you say when you say, you have control. Then, at birth, you have to be prepared to give it all up,’ says Gilmore. ‘Young girls when they give birth are not used to control,’ she continued, ‘they are used to not being able to control anything and give it up quicker. But an older woman who is used to having things her way, and takes an aspirin when she has a headache, now has to go into a new space that she is not used to. That she left behind in childhood.’

      Mmmm, loss of control. Tough one for us stiff-upper-lip Brits. Gilmore is not talking about losing control over how you want the birth to go here, she’s talking about the very visceral side of giving birth, the last contractions when the body wants to do its job and needs its owner to just let go and let it. Not unlike the orgasm analogy again. Or as the New Zealanders at the Common Knowledge Trust say, ‘birth is learning to control surrender’.

      It’s a grey area, letting go of our feelings and exploring what it is we really want. There is always plenty of talk by politicians about ‘women being given enough information to make “informed choices”’ in maternity matters, but there are thousands of women who want someone else to make up their minds for them. Many of us would prefer to be good little girls, approved of by those around us, not making a noise or a fuss, and are socially conditioned to do what the midwives and doctors tell us. All others want is safe delivery of a healthy baby, and some almost give up on their own good health to achieve it. Once you have had a baby, however, you realize how instrumental your own wellbeing is for caring for that demanding little terrorist, sorry, adorable little newborn.

      Who Am I, and Do I Exist?

      With freedom of choice comes responsibility, and responsibility is a big one. There is a big payoff, however. Exploring the matter of your birth is all about preparation for motherhood, and what you learn about yourself on the way will have a much greater impact on your mothering than any amount of NCT classes.

      Don’t rely on your husband, doctor or midwife to make the decisions for you, or give up by announcing ‘We’ll see what happens on the day’ Make a pact with yourself and the baby to do it for the both of you. As Eminem says, ‘You only get one chance!’ You were looking after your unborn baby long before you had even met the midwife and obstetrician, and you will be in it together long after their names slip your mind. In our baby-centred culture, where mothers are seen as little more than vessels for bringing forth the all-important child, you may have to refuse to be cajoled into something you don’t want or, God forbid, go elsewhere if you don’t feel you’re being listened to. The strength you gain from speaking your truth now, however shy and timid you normally are, will help you be a more confident mother. You may even suffer disapproval from others with your choices. Unpopular? Me? But I get along with everybody and am so easy to please! Just wait until you board an aircraft with your fractious baby – then you will know about unpopularity. Indeed, learning to weather occasional unpopularity is an extremely useful parenting skill in this country.