I’d imagined. It felt like the perfect way to honor Lincoln’s adventurous spirit. He’d always enjoyed meeting new people, going new places, and experiencing new things. It wasn’t unusual for him to head off on a spontaneous weekend trip, even if it meant he’d be flying the red-eye home and would have to go to work as soon as he stepped off the overnight flight. He’d say that one day of feeling tired at work was well worth the memories we’d created. Skydiving was something Lincoln would have loved to do so it seemed like an appropriate way to celebrate his life.
It’s impossible to feel sorry for yourself when you’re jumping out of an airplane—unless of course, you don’t have a parachute. Not only did we have a great time, but our skydiving experience led to an annual tradition. Every year on Lincoln’s birthday, we choose to celebrate his love of life and adventure. It’s led to some interesting experiences—from swimming with sharks to riding mules into the Grand Canyon. We’ve even taken flying trapeze lessons.
Each year, the whole family becomes involved in Lincoln’s birthday adventure. Some years, Lincoln’s grandmother watches from the sidelines with her camera, but two years ago, at the age of eighty-eight, she was first in line to go ziplining high above the trees. Even though I’m remarried, it’s a tradition we’ve continued, and my husband, Steve, even participates with us. It’s become a day we actually look forward to each year.
Our choice to spend the day doing something enjoyable isn’t about ignoring our grief or masking our sadness. It’s about making a conscious choice to celebrate life’s gifts and refusing to behave in a pitiful manner. Instead of pitying ourselves for what we lost, we choose to feel grateful for what we had.
When you notice self-pity creeping into your life, make a conscious effort to do something contrary to how you feel. You don’t have to jump out of a plane to ward off feelings of self-pity. Sometimes, small behavioral changes can make a big difference. Here are some examples:
• Volunteer to help a worthy cause. It will take your mind off your problems and you can feel good that you’ve helped support someone else. It’s hard to feel sorry for yourself when you’re serving hungry people in a soup kitchen or spending time with elderly residents in a nursing home.
• Perform a random act of kindness. Whether you mow the neighbor’s lawn or donate pet food to a local animal shelter, doing a good deed can help bring more meaning to your day.
• Do something active. Physical or mental activity will help you focus on something other than your misfortune. Exercise, sign up for a class, read a book, or learn a new hobby, and your behavior change can help shift your attitude.
The key to changing your feelings is finding which behaviors will extinguish your feelings of self-pity. Sometimes it’s a process of trial and error because the same behavioral change won’t work for everyone. If what you’re doing now isn’t working, try something new. If you never take a step in the right direction, you’ll stay right where you are.
Replace thoughts that Encourage Self-Pity
I once witnessed a fender bender in a grocery store parking lot. Two cars were backing up at the same time and their rear bumpers collided. The collision appeared to cause only minor damage to each vehicle.
I watched as one driver jumped out of his vehicle and said, “Just what I needed. Why do these things always happen to me? As if I didn’t already have enough to deal with today!”
Meanwhile, the other driver stepped out of his vehicle shaking his head. In a very calm voice he said, “Wow, we’re so lucky that no one got hurt. What a great day it is when you can get into an accident and walk away from it without a single injury.”
Both men experienced the exact same event. However, their perception of the event was completely different. One man viewed himself as a victim of horrible circumstance while the other man viewed the event as good fortune. Their reaction was all about their differences in perception.
You can view the events that happen in your life in many different ways. If you choose to view circumstances in a way that says, “I deserve better,” you’ll feel self-pity often. If you choose to look for the silver lining, even in a bad situation, you’ll experience joy and happiness much more often.
Almost every situation has a silver lining. Ask any kid what the best part about having divorced parents is and most of them will say, “I get more presents at Christmas!” Obviously, there isn’t much good that arises from divorce, but getting twice as many presents is one small aspect of divorce that some kids rather enjoy.
Reframing the way you look at a situation isn’t always easy, especially when you’re feeling like the host of your own pity party. Asking yourself the following questions can help change your negative thoughts into more realistic thoughts:
• What’s another way I could view my situation? This is where the “glass half empty or glass half full” thinking comes in. If you’re looking at it from the glass-half-empty angle, take a moment to think about how someone looking from a glass-half-full perspective might view the same situation.
• What advice would I give to a loved one who had this problem? Often, we’re better at handing out words of encouragement to other people rather than to ourselves. It’s unlikely you’d say to someone else, “You’ve got the worst life ever. Nothing ever goes right.” Instead, you’d hopefully offer some kind words of assistance such as, “You’ll figure out what to do, and you’ll make it through this. I know you will.” Take your own words of wisdom and apply them to your situation.
• What evidence do I have that I can get through this? Feeling sorry for ourselves often stems from a lack of confidence in our ability to handle problems. We tend to think that we’ll never get through something. Remind yourself of times when you’ve solved problems and coped with tragedy in the past. Reviewing your skills, support systems, and past experiences can give you an extra boost of confidence that will help you stop feeling sorry for yourself.
The more you indulge in thoughts that willfully delude yourself about your situation, the worse you’ll feel.
Common thoughts that lead to feelings of self-pity include things such as:
• I can’t handle one more problem.
• Good things always happen to everyone else.
• Bad things always happen to me.
• My life just gets worse all the time.
• No one else has to deal with this stuff.
• I just can’t catch a break.
You can choose to catch your negative thoughts before they spiral out of control. Though replacing overly negative thoughts with more realistic ones takes practice and hard work, it’s very effective in decreasing feelings of self-pity.
If you think, Bad things always happen to me, create a list of good things that have happened to you as well. Then, replace your original thought with something more realistic like, Some bad things happen to me, but plenty of good things happen to me as well. This doesn’t mean you should turn something negative into an unrealistically positive affirmation. Instead, strive to find a realistic way to look at your situation.
Exchange Self-Pity for Gratitude
Marla Runyan is a very accomplished woman. She has a master’s degree, she’s written a book, and she’s competed in the Olympics. She even became the first American woman to finish the 2002 New York Marathon with an astounding time of 2 hours, 27 minutes. What makes Marla particularly extraordinary is that she’s accomplished all these feats despite the fact that she’s legally blind.
At age nine, Marla was diagnosed with Stargardt’s disease, a form of macular degeneration that affects children. As her vision deteriorated, Marla discovered her love for running. Over the years, Marla has proved herself to be