register the jab as he claims the stool, pushes his blond hair off his forehead and leans forward with hands on his thighs. He shifts to avoid crushing the small bottles in his back pockets. “We’re worried, too,” Jason says.
“I know you are.”
Gabe gets up and walks toward the bedroom. “Time for me to get packing,” he says, but I know it’s less about his empty backpack and more about giving me some alone time with my brothers.
After Gabe leaves I point to a small box on the kitchen counter. “Could you put that in the top of my bag, please?” Jason, who’s the closest, grabs the small box of note cards and zips it into the top flap of my backpack.
My parents’ concern is well intentioned but has been suffocating, an intrusion almost. And the box of already addressed note cards Mom gave me earlier, which came with a so-you-can-write-us-whenever-you-want speech, only made me feel more like an incapable child. But then Gabe reminded me it has only been two months since Mom found me unconscious in bed, barely breathing. ‘Right,’ I said, pulling the note cards out of the trash.
While Jason deals with the box and my backpack, Connor reclaims the bar stool and picks the pen back up to check off the drugstore items with precise, perfect checkmarks. I resist the urge to throw my arms around him and kiss him on the top of the head, like I used to when he was little. I’m beginning to realize how useless my family has felt during these past few months. And how far away I’ve kept them.
“Look, I’m sorry I scared you guys,” I say. Jason stands behind me and massages my shoulders with his strong fingers. I relax back against him.
“It’s okay, Teg,” he says, though Connor gives me a look that suggests he’s not quite as ready to let his guard down.
“Honestly, it was an accident. It was a bad day pain-wise, and I just wanted to get a few hours of sleep. That’s it.”
Jason continues massaging my shoulders, kneading the little balls of tension that have taken up permanent residence there. “We believe you, sis.” I reach my hands back to give his a quick, appreciative squeeze. “So, what else do you need us to do?” he asks.
“For the record, I didn’t ‘need’ you two to do anything, if you remember.” I tilt my head back so I can look at him. He smirks but keeps massaging. “I’m a big girl and you guys need to trust I’m going to be okay.” Tough sell, I know, based on what’s happened. Also, even though I’m the oldest and as scrappy as any kid who grew up with two brothers, Jason and Connor have always treated me like a rare and delicate bird. But I’m doing better now. Or at least, I’m close to doing better.
Jason holds his hands up in surrender, and then envelops me in a massive hug. He smells of some kind of coconut hair product and stale beer, likely from working at the bar the night before.
My breath leaves me the tighter Jason squeezes, and I finally wriggle out from inside the steel circle of his strong biceps and shoulders.
“What time’s the flight?” Jason asks, eyeing a plate of pastries on the counter. After a questioning look from him and a nod from me, he grabs one and sinks his teeth deeply into its round, doughnutlike surface. “God, are these good,” he says, mouth full of sweet dough oozing with a tangy, rich lemon cream. He takes another pastry before even finishing the first. “What are they?”
“I can’t remember the Italian name, but apparently it translates to virgin’s breast.”
“No wonder I like them so much,” he says, taking another huge bite. Connor sighs, eyes still on the list.
“Conn, you should try one. They’re fucking amazing,” Jason says, his mouth full.
“They really are. Rosa brought them over earlier. I suspect she’s trying to fatten me up.” Rosa is rail thin, probably because she spends more time pushing food on those she loves versus eating it herself. It used to bother me—the comments and frequent food drop-offs—because it felt almost accusatory, like I wasn’t capable of keeping Gabe as well fed as she could. But over the years I learned that for her, food and love were intertwined—the more she pushed, the more she loved.
Jason pops the last bite of the second pastry into his mouth, and then licks his fingers. “Tell her she can bring these over to my place while you’re gone.”
I laugh. “I’ll do that. Although be prepared, her pastries may be sweet but her judgment can be harsh,” I say, then notice Gabe standing in the doorway of our room.
“Be nice,” he mouths at me, eyes teasing. I smile and tilt my head, gesturing to him it’s okay to come back out.
Jason shrugs. “I’m good with the tough ones. Along with handsome I’m also often referred to as charming.”
Gabe laughs, and Connor snorts. “Is that what they’re calling it these days?”
“That you are,” I say to Jason. “Plus, if you eat a plate of her pastries in one sitting I’m sure you’ll be in her good books forever.”
“Truer words were never spoken,” Gabe says, coming into the kitchen as I hand Jason a takeout container.
“Take them all,” I say, when he starts to close the lid, two pastries still on the plate.
“Are you sure? You are looking a little skinny.”
Gabe looks at me then. I’m swimming in the legging jeans I used to have to lie down to zip up, and I know what he’s thinking. Skinny isn’t good. Skinny equals sad.
“I prefer svelte, thank you very much,” I say as much to Gabe as Jason. “Seriously, take them. And to answer your question, the plane leaves in about six hours.”
Jason kisses me on the cheek, leaving a hint of stickiness behind. “You’re the best, love ya.”
“Love you, too.” I hug him again. Then I hug Connor, who holds my face in his hands and kisses me on the forehead. The way my dad does. “Be good, you two,” I say.
“Ditto,” Connor says.
Jason salutes with his free hand. “Always am,” he says with a smile that suggests otherwise.
Gabe says his goodbyes, promising my brothers he’ll take great care of me like always, then heads off to take a shower.
I walk Connor and Jason to the front door, holding it open for them with my foot. “Come back in one piece, okay?” Connor says with worried eyes. My mother’s eyes.
“Of course,” I say, standing in the open front door as my brothers make their way to the stairwell.
Jason turns before heading down the stairs after Connor and holds up the takeout container. “Seriously, tell Rosa I’m available if she needs me to eat stuff while you’re gone.”
“I will.” I wave and start to shut the door.
“Tegan!” Jason calls out.
I poke my head back into the hall. “Yeah?”
“Have fun, kiddo.”
“That’s the plan,” I reply with as much enthusiasm as I can.
We wave at each other and I shut the door. For the hundredth time since booking the tickets, I try to convince myself I’m ready for this.
An hour later I share a tearful goodbye with Anna, complete with a bag of my favorite treat, caramel cheese popcorn, from Garrett Popcorn. The first, and only, time I convinced her to try the sweet and cheesy concoction she gagged so hard she vomited on the sidewalk outside the shop, which only proves how much she loves me. She also gives me a book for the plane she promises won’t make me cry, with an inscription of one of her grandmother’s famous proverbs on the inside cover—a book is like a garden carried in the pocket—which neither of us really get but pretend