and offer condolences.
There was no floral wreath or black ribbon on the door of the Taylors’ house, but the blinds were closed – more, I guessed, to try to ward off any intrusive members of the press than anything else.
After parking the car, Julie and I were set upon by a small but determined group of reporters hoping to get a topline to run with, or to strike gold and get an interview with Clare’s family.
I felt them swarm around me and while they were polite, it felt overwhelming. How did we know Clare? Were we related? Was there any more information? Was there any truth in the rumour that the police were hunting her boyfriend? Could we just, please, ask her parents to speak to them? Did we have a picture they could share?
Julie blinked at me, her eyes wide with panic. I clasped her hand tight in mine and politely told the reporters that I wouldn’t be answering any of their questions. Thankfully, the sight of a policeman at the door of the house was enough to stop them following us up the garden path. He looked us up and down, sizing us up.
‘We’re friends of Clare’s,’ I said. ‘Close friends. Ask Ronan or Mr and Mrs Taylor.’
He asked us to wait where we were while he went inside to check. We were expecting him to return, but it was Ronan, pale and exhausted-looking, who opened the door and let us in.
‘I’m so, so sorry,’ Julie said, throwing herself into his arms.
He didn’t speak for a moment, just hugged her back as they both cried. I stood awkwardly; there was an intimacy in their hug that made me feel like a third wheel.
When they pulled apart, Ronan gave me a hug, too, and I whispered my apologies for his loss. Never had words seemed so woefully inadequate.
‘My parents are upstairs, sleeping. It was a bad night, so we got the doctor to give them something first thing. I’ve told them they’ve to keep their strength up,’ Ronan said.
‘You’ve been here all night?’ I asked.
He nodded. ‘I didn’t want to leave them. They are so lost.’
‘Any more news?’ I asked as he ushered us into the kitchen.
Empty teacups were piled by the sink, testament to many visitors. Used to making herself at home, Julie emptied the teapot of cold tea and put on the kettle to make another. I filled the sink and started to wash up.
Ronan sat, shaking his head, staring into the middle distance. Trying to find the words he needed.
‘They still won’t tell us much,’ he said eventually. ‘They have to “protect their investigation”.’ He shook his head. ‘The postmortem was done last night. Did you know, they don’t do them here? They had to take her up to Belfast. We can’t even be with her, or near her, and they can’t release her body. Not “at this stage of the investigation”.’ He made quote signs with his fingers. Parroted what he’d been told. ‘We can’t bring her home. Can’t make any arrangements. They can’t tell us when we’ll be able to.’
Julie sat down across the table from him then reached out and took Ronan’s hands.
‘And yesterday. Did you see her?’
I stood, back to the sink, watching them. A tear rolled down Ronan’s cheek, which he brushed away quickly before taking a shuddering breath. Here was this grown man. This guy we’d all seen as cool and funny and untouchable in so many ways, and he was broken in front of us. My heart physically ached for him.
‘Mum couldn’t face it. Da and I went in together. They had her well covered up, you know, up to her chin almost. We were told they did that so we didn’t see the worst of her injuries. I don’t know if that just made it all worse. If I’d seen them, maybe I wouldn’t be imagining all sorts of horrors now.’
Or maybe he’d be plagued by the real horror of what he’d seen, I thought, but I didn’t speak.
‘I was still hoping, you know, until the last minute, that it wouldn’t be her and at first … God, it didn’t look like her. I thought they’d made a mistake. Her hair was all wrong, too dark. And her face seemed … I don’t know. It just wasn’t an expression I’d ever seen her pull. But Da gripped my arm so tight and I felt him buckle then he let out this noise like I’ve never heard before, and I knew it was her.’
I watched Julie squeeze his hand, rub his arm with her other hand. Tears ran unchecked down her face.
‘We’ve seen dead bodies before, right?’ he asked, looking at Julie and then up at me.
And of course we had, many times. It’s part of our culture to bring our dead home, wake them over the course of a few days and nights, spend time with them, ensuring they’re never left alone until they make their final journey.
‘She didn’t look like anything I’ve ever seen before. She was blue. Not even grey but blue and bruised. I could see the bloodstains on her ears, her face. Her hair was matted with blood. That’s why it looked all wrong. There was this huge graze on her cheek, as if she’d been dragged along the road. It was just a horror show.’ He broke down, gasping to gain his composure, while I tried to quell the nausea in the pit of my stomach. ‘We weren’t even allowed to touch her. I couldn’t hold her hand or kiss her forehead. I had to hold Da back … He wanted to hug her, but the police said it might interfere with evidence. Evidence? That’s all my sister is now. She can’t be touched by any of us until after the autopsy. I’ve never seen a man look so broken,’ Ronan said.
I realised I was crying too, and shaking. I wanted to shake the picture he’d just painted from my mind, focus on being there for him instead, but it was so hard.
‘They can’t get any information on the man she was seeing,’ he said. ‘They couldn’t find her phone. Her laptop was gone from her house. Why would that be? You know Clare. She always had that bloody phone on her. They’re going to access her phone records, see if it throws anything up.’ He looked up again. ‘Are you two sure she didn’t give you any details that might catch him?’
I shook my head. I wished I did know more. I wished I could point the police directly at him. I wished I could go and take him on myself. Ask him if it was him. Show him exactly what I thought of him.
‘So they definitely think he did it, then?’ Julie asked. ‘That’s who they want?’
‘Who else could it be?’ Ronan asked. ‘You know Clare … knew Clare. She didn’t have any enemies.’
Julie shrugged. ‘Could it have been random?’
He shook his head. ‘I don’t know. Maybe. But with the missing phone … something’s not right. They need to find this guy and quick. God knows if I find him first, the police won’t get a look-in.’
Ronan looked exhausted, as if he wouldn’t have the physical strength to take anyone on. I wondered if he’d had any sleep at all.
‘How are you holding up?’ I asked.
He gave a short, cold laugh. ‘I don’t know what side’s up. I feel so helpless. I can’t make it better. I’m trying to be here for my parents as much as possible, but you know, Jenny needs me home with the kids, as well. It’s hard to get the balance right.’
‘I’m sure Jenny understands,’ Julie said. ‘Your parents need you.’
‘My kids need me, too,’ he said, pulling a face as if he were mimicking the words of his wife. ‘I know they do, you know. But I’m only one person and I can’t split myself in two.’
‘You have to be careful you don’t burn out,’ I told him.
‘That’s what Patricia says. The family liaison officer. You’ll meet her soon, no doubt. She was just calling at the station and then she said she’d be over. She says I’ve to keep myself strong and well.’
Julie nodded. ‘She’s right.’
‘And