of the passers-by. She was glad for that brolly, as the rain began in earnest. Pouring down in pitchforks and then buckets onto the sidewalk. I think of you, as she thinks of him, still fading.
— 2016 —
Miss you like …
Natalie Cole
A man sleeps opposite me, his head listing to the left. An inflatable navy blue suedette pillow matches the navy and silver seat velour. We go through a cutting, into the dark, then out again, past the lines of Heron Foods vans and the Emon Spice Lounge and the fields of hay cut short.
I think back to the photographs of Field. Even at a slant, her eyes look too pale to be true – almost luminously so. Another trick of the light. Collodion does not recognise the existence of blue. There was no way to catch her eyes.
Later, when they were apart, Trollope asked Field for a photograph of her facing straight ahead, full front. He said he wanted her natural look. Leafing through the images of Kate Field, you’ll hardly ever find it. There’s one of her leaning against a pillar, as if overhearing a conversation. One leaning back on a sofa, her head cupped in her hand. One profile, with French lace. One on horseback, on her way. Only one of her looking straight at the camera, all in white, a messenger bag slung across her torso. Something about her resisted that pose. Her pictures usually show her moving towards a world elsewhere, a profil perdu, so very French – or glancing over her shoulder, her gaze never quite meeting yours.
Sidewalk or not, they would have said farewell somewhere, somehow. We never know when the last word is said. Perhaps the last word is never said. Can anything indeed, Field’s biographer asked, in this part of life be ever said to be the end? We never know when our meeting with another person might be the final one. Even the most heartfelt goodbyes usually have a confident belief in au revoir, a next time, a next place. But on the very fringes of our consciousness there is always the sense that this might be, if not the full stop in the conversation, then a conversation left hanging. For some, the finality is always that bit closer. The hurried quality of lovers parting bears it out. Lovers’ time is carved out of real time – or stolen. It’s always under threat.
Any affair is an attempt to live twice. Set into the beige wall of everyday linear time, it exists beyond a door you think nobody else has noticed. You walk past doors just like it every day. Often you don’t even think to look at it. But now and again, you stand beside it. You might be the sort to push open that door. Sometimes it resists your touch, or bounces gently on the hinges before shutting, and you return to the beige world. You read a safety notice about fire drills on the wall, check your phone, or fish something from your bag, as if pretending that you never even tried to push. But sometimes you are standing nearby and that door swings open seemingly of its own accord, offering a floodlit view down a pathway of nylon grass. The walk seems impossibly short. And while you are there, you have two lives, and two heartbeats. You make believe that you have created a sort of a time pocket or vortex, a duplicate self. There’s something almost impossible about this other, Narnian universe. And while you are in it, nobody does it better. The moment you take your first step, you feel as if time has warped and split.
If photographs are a way of stopping time – their stilled presence, wet collodion and albumen transformed into something brittle, calm and dry – then affairs create a negative imprint, a second life. If a camera is a clock for seeing, as Barthes has it, then an affair is a clock for living. For anyone hungry for time, this door is the one to open for that oh-so-dangerous illusion, the illusion of more time, more space. Of more.
Trollope always hungered. He wanted to split into pieces, to live many lives. His characters multiply, revolving, double, inconsistent. An affair with words. You can see it right from the beginning. Please, sir, I want. First as a bullied child walking through the streets of Harrow, dreaming of castles in the air. Then, as an adult, sitting at his desk every day. He squeezed time, waking in the dark and writing into sunrise, spooling out a thousand words an hour between five and eight in the morning. Two hundred and fifty words every fifteen minutes. I attribute the power of doing this altogether, he wrote, to the virtue of early hours. It was my practice to be at my table every morning at 5.30 a.m. His groom got up first and made him coffee, then the real day began.
Trollope logged his life in grids. Targets met or missed, days of idleness or productivity. Late one night he writes to Field, asking her to meet him at Niagara Falls, the scene of so many Victorian clinches. I’ll come to you, he says, if you can get away.
I look at my book. You don’t need to be a writer or an actor or a lover to dream a second life, an unlived life. You don’t need to have an affair. Every reader does it. In the moment we touch the cover, a second world emerges – another reality with its own rules of space and time. And good novels knock us sideways, even as they take us forwards. With every story we turn the page for, we turn to feel the weight of the unlived life, the other ways we might have gone, or loved, or died. Some are unfaithful readers. A pile of books live next to my side of the bed, gathering dust and regret. For each book that we read, there’s another we don’t begin. And in choosing a tale to write, or relate, there is another we cannot, or do not speak. These small choices carry with them an accompanying sense of resistance, a gravitational pull towards the alternatives we leave behind. The mushrooms we never picked on the picnic we never went on with the person we never met. Most of us are missing something. In so many of our imaginations, there’s a vision of something like a train we missed, a moment in life when we were too late, or too scared to act. Or got stuck in the queue at the sandwich shop. Some of these trains move towards lands we’ve lost, some pause at stations of regret. We see others pass across the landscape of our memory with a sigh of relief. They are the boredoms we escaped, the journeys we avoided. But some are so painful we can only glimpse them at night. They pass at high speed, cornering the edge of dread, taking our breath away.
— 2005 —
I have decided that seeing this is worth recording
John Berger, ‘Understanding a Photograph’
Your studio flat was hard to read. The place was all stripped back and bald, staging a bachelor existence that wasn’t yours. Even the few images that you chose to hang on the walls told a story of things that liked to be single. Black-and-white stills of an old milk jug, a spoon, a silhouette of a man on an empty piazza, pulling a lonely suitcase.
All the clean lines were just an illusion. Hiding that life made sense of course. I get the picture, now I could risk losing the same: a discrete affair keeps things discrete. But your silence got me wanting. You reminded me of one of those plastercast-moulded models I used to make as a child, the ones that fell into two halves. The fascination comes from looking at what’s being cut off. The straight, flat back, deliciously smooth, powder dry.
One afternoon, you left me alone to go to a shoot. Licence to stalk into your office. I looked behind the screen, and opened your desk drawers once to see if I could find any family pictures, then shut them again feeling guiltier than I thought I would. I sat back at your desk, tried out your chair. Imagined the album I would have found. Page after page of grainy squares, bearing witness to the theatre of family. Your role as husband. Your place as father.
There must be a photograph of the small you, walking on a wet promenade, smiling into a lens. I wonder if that’s where it began. When you were taken by the desire to capture things. Sometimes we can pin it down to a single frame. The moment we start to become who we are.
— 1982 —