through the remains of battle, looking dead men in the eye and keeping his own fears of joining them at bay, which was a very real possibility each moment he remained on the field and the sun sank closer to the horizon.
Panic threatened to grip him. He was fighting it as much as he was fighting to make his way forward. Panic would swallow him whole if he allowed. It was near dark. The scavengers would be out soon and they would show no mercy as they rifled the pockets of the dead and the near dead. They’d kill him for his boots and his coat, which miraculously still had all its buttons. For people who had nothing, he was a slow, crawling, easy target of a gold mine and he had no strength left to fight them if they came.
He dragged himself forward, another inch, another body length, and another again, each effort sending a shooting pain through his arm. He fought back the stabbing agony in his leg. He’d nearly reached the edge of the battlefield, the sun almost gone from the sky, when he heard it—the faint, hoarse rasp of a desperate man. ‘Help me.’
He should ignore it. He was wounded and barely able to help himself let alone someone else. He’d lingered too long on the field already. Even now, he could hear the voices of scavengers. There would be no mercy for him, a British soldier far from home, if he were caught. But because he did know the danger, he turned back. He could not doom someone else to that fate. He began to crawl awkwardly towards the plea... Someone was on him. Oh, dear God, he’d been found. The scavengers had found him—no, no, no. He kicked and grappled, trying to get hold of his attacker. He would not go down without a fight. Never mind that he was already down. This would be a fight to the death...
* * *
‘Fortis! Wake up. You’re home, you’re safe.’ The frantic words penetrated the fog of his brain, but still he grappled, unwilling to release his foe, unwilling to take the chance that the battlefield was the dream and home the reality. It would be a fatal mistake if he were wrong. He had his assailant now, his fists were full of white cloth.
‘Fortis! It’s me, Avaline!’ At the desperate words, the dream let go, his eyes flew open in horror and recognition. Avaline was beneath him, her dark eyes wide with incredulity and fright. She had not understood what she’d walked into when she’d tried to wake him.
He let go of her at once and rolled on to his back, his mind taking stock. He was sweat-drenched and breathing hard, but he was home and alive, and he’d attacked his own wife. He pushed a hand through his hair. What must she think of him? ‘Avaline, I’m sorry.’ He was so damned sorry. Beside him, Avaline lay breathing hard, her gaze riveted on the ceiling as she collected herself. This was hardly the way to get back into his wife’s good graces. She would think him every bit the fragile man Cam’s report suggested he might be. Any moment, as soon as her shock settled, she’d realise that and bolt from the room.
Instead, Avaline turned her head and looked at him. ‘I’m the one who should be sorry. Ferris warned me the dreams could be dangerous, but when I heard you call out...well, I couldn’t just leave you alone.’ She was kindness itself and it had cost them both.
‘What did I say?’ Hopefully nothing embarrassing. This was awful enough as it was without sounding like a whimpering fool. His wife was courageous. He didn’t know many men, let alone women, who willingly ran towards trouble, yet despite her misgivings over his return, she’d come to him in his need. The gesture overwhelmed him with its implicit generosity. Perhaps she wasn’t as indifferent to him as she’d tried to be in the garden. She’d been guarded then, her mind alert and on full defence. She’d made it clear that beyond protection from Hayworth, his return was met with reserve.
‘Help. You simply said help.’ But he hadn’t just said help, he’d yelled it, loud enough to be heard through the adjoining door between their rooms. Great. He’d called out in his sleep like a frightened child. New, waking panic gripped him at the thought. Who else had heard? Had he awakened any of the servants? Would they all be staring at him at breakfast? Whispering behind his back that the master was home and not right in his head?
Avaline stroked his cheek with the cool back of her hand, a soft smile on her face. It felt good, comforting. He wanted her to go on touching him. Did she realise she was touching him? That they were lying side by side in bed in nothing but their nightclothes? She’d been very conscious of their closeness today in the drawing room and in the garden. Did she only touch him now out of pity? He would not take her touch of pity. Fortis closed a gentle grip around her wrist and pushed her hand away. ‘Avaline, I am not an invalid.’
She stiffened—the rejection, though politely done, had clearly stung—but she was not defeated. ‘I know. But you are a soldier returned after a harrowing experience. You are not entirely yourself. Yet. But you will be, in time.’
How much time? he wondered. It had been three weeks since he’d left the Crimea with Cam and it had been nearly three months since he’d walked out of the forest in July. He felt just as confused now as he had the day he’d walked into camp, the missing blocks of his memory still as jumbled, sometimes even more so after the army had filled in the missing pieces. He would have thought that would have helped, not make it worse.
‘Let me help,’ Avaline soothed, her hand back at his brow, and this time he let it stay, craven fool that he was. He told himself it was only because he’d gone so long without female companionship. ‘Tell me your dream.’
‘No.’ He would not tell her. He did not want her burdened with the horrors of his ghosts. One did not tell an angel about hell. An angel was what she was, in her white nightgown, her blonde hair loose and spilling over her shoulder and by some miracle she was his angel, one he did not deserve. He would not sully her with tales of battlefields and dead men.
She gave a nod. ‘Then, perhaps you’ll tell Ferris or write them down.’
‘Perhaps I will.’ He could give her that concession. ‘I’m fine now, Avaline. You can go back to bed.’ He doubted he’d sleep the rest of the night. He seldom did once he dreamed. He’d sat up more than one night on the journey home, on the deck of the ship looking up at the stars until the sun rose. Sometimes Cam had sat with him. Cam had dreams, too. His wife, Pavia, had herbs that helped. Cam swore by them, but Fortis had been too proud to take them at the time. Now that there was Avaline to consider, he might need to rethink Pavia’s offer. He couldn’t go around assaulting his wife at night. Tonight it had just been wrestling. Heaven help her if he ever got his hands on a weapon.
Avaline got out of bed without protest. She smoothed her nightgown, seeming flustered. Perhaps the intimacy of their situation had dawned on her. ‘I am just next door if you need anything.’
‘Goodnight,’ Fortis said firmly. ‘I’m fine. I’m sure it was brought on by nothing more than the rigours of recent events.’ He wanted to reassure her. ‘After all, it’s not every day a man is reunited with his family and his wife. This is nothing sleep and hard work can’t fix.’ If he was busy, it would take his mind off the past. The journey home had allowed him too much time with his own thoughts. Frederick was right. He needed to get his boots on the ground. He’d start tomorrow with a tour of the estate. He’d have Avaline show him around. A man who worked until he was exhausted didn’t have time for nightmares. He would show her his strength. He would not be a burden to her. Most of all, he would make sure she wasn’t sorry he’d come home.
* * *
He’d dismissed her! Avaline sat down hard on the edge of her bed, sorry she’d ever raced to his side. His cries had awakened her. They’d been dreadful in their desperation, the sounds of a man who’d reached the edges of his sanity and was about to lose hold. In her haste to comfort him, she’d forgotten everything including Ferris’s warning. She’d raced recklessly to his side, her one thought being that no one should be so tortured. Her empathy had not been enough armour.
She’d not been prepared for what she’d encountered; a raging bear of a man whose mind had seen her as an enemy. He’d attacked the moment she’d touched him, his war-taut body tight-sprung. She’d been no match for his strength. She’d found herself beneath him, crushed