Mercutio. The pox of such antic, lisping, affecting fantasticoes; these new tuners of accents!—‘By Jesu, a very good blade!—a very tall man!—a very good whore!’—Why, is not this a lamentable thing, grandsire, that we should be thus afflicted with these strange flies, these fashion-mongers, these pardonnez-moi’s, who stand so much on the new form that they cannot sit at ease on the old bench? O, their bons, their bons!
Benvolio.
Here comes Romeo, here comes Romeo!
Mercutio. Without his roe, like a dried herring.—O flesh, flesh, how art thou fishified!—Now is he for the numbers that Petrarch flowed in: Laura, to his lady, was but a kitchen wench,—marry, she had a better love to berhyme her; Dido, a dowdy; Cleopatra, a gypsy; Helen and Hero, hildings and harlots; Thisbe, a gray eye or so, but not to the purpose,—
[Enter Romeo.]
Signior Romeo, bon jour! there’s a French salutation to your
French slop. You gave us the counterfeit fairly last night.
Romeo.
Good morrow to you both. What counterfeit did I give you?
Mercutio.
The slip, sir, the slip; can you not conceive?
Romeo. Pardon, good Mercutio, my business was great; and in such a case as mine a man may strain courtesy.
Mercutio. That’s as much as to say, such a case as yours constrains a man to bow in the hams.
Romeo.
Meaning, to court’sy.
Mercutio.
Thou hast most kindly hit it.
Romeo.
A most courteous exposition.
Mercutio.
Nay, I am the very pink of courtesy.
Romeo.
Pink for flower.
Mercutio.
Right.
Romeo.
Why, then is my pump well-flowered.
Mercutio. Well said: follow me this jest now till thou hast worn out thy pump;that, when the single sole of it is worn, the jest may remain, after the wearing, sole singular.
Romeo.
O single-soled jest, solely singular for the singleness!
Mercutio.
Come between us, good Benvolio; my wits faint.
Romeo.
Swits and spurs, swits and spurs; or I’ll cry a match.
Mercutio. Nay, if thy wits run the wild-goose chase, I have done; for thou hast more of the wild-goose in one of thy wits than, I am sure, I have in my whole five: was I with you there for the goose?
Romeo. Thou wast never with me for anything when thou wast not there for the goose.
Mercutio.
I will bite thee by the ear for that jest.
Romeo.
Nay, good goose, bite not.
Mercutio. Thy wit is a very bitter sweeting; it is a most sharp sauce.
Romeo.
And is it not, then, well served in to a sweet goose?
Mercutio. O, here’s a wit of cheveril, that stretches from an inch narrow to an ell broad!
Romeo. I stretch it out for that word broad: which added to the goose, proves thee far and wide a broad goose.
Mercutio. Why, is not this better now than groaning for love? now art thou sociable, now art thou Romeo; not art thou what thou art, by art as well as by nature: for this drivelling love is like a great natural, that runs lolling up and down to hide his bauble in a hole.
Benvolio.
Stop there, stop there.
Mercutio.
Thou desirest me to stop in my tale against the hair.
Benvolio.
Thou wouldst else have made thy tale large.
Mercutio. O, thou art deceived; I would have made it short: for I was come to the whole depth of my tale; and meant indeed to occupy the argument no longer.
Romeo.
Here’s goodly gear!
[Enter Nurse and Peter.]
Mercutio.
A sail, a sail, a sail!
Benvolio.
Two, two; a shirt and a smock.
Nurse.
Peter!
Peter.
Anon.
Nurse.
My fan, Peter.
Mercutio.
Good Peter, to hide her face; for her fan’s the fairer face.
Nurse.
God ye good morrow, gentlemen.
Mercutio.
God ye good-den, fair gentlewoman.
Nurse.
Is it good-den?
Mercutio. ‘Tis no less, I tell ye; for the bawdy hand of the dial is now upon the prick of noon.
Nurse.
Out upon you! what a man are you!
Romeo.
One, gentlewoman, that God hath made for himself to mar.
Nurse.
By my troth, it is well said;—for himself to mar, quoth
‘a?—Gentlemen, can any of you tell me where I may find the young
Romeo?
Romeo. I can tell you: but young Romeo will be older when you have found him than he was when you sought him: I am the youngest of that name, for fault of a worse.
Nurse.
You say well.
Mercutio. Yea, is the worst well? very well took, i’ faith; wisely, wisely.
Nurse.
If you be he, sir, I desire some confidence with you.
Benvolio.
She will indite him to some supper.
Mercutio.
A bawd, a bawd, a bawd! So ho!
Romeo.
What hast thou found?
Mercutio.
No hare, sir; unless a hare, sir, in a lenten pie, that is
something stale and hoar ere it be spent.
[Sings.]
An old hare hoar,
And an old hare hoar,
Is very good meat in Lent;
But a hare that is hoar
Is too much for a score
When it hoars ere it be spent.
Romeo, will you come to your father’s? we’ll to dinner thither.
Romeo.
I will follow you.
Mercutio. Farewell, ancient lady; farewell,— [singing] lady, lady, lady.
[Exeunt Mercutio, and Benvolio.]
Nurse. Marry, farewell!—I pray you, sir, what saucy merchant was this that was so full of his ropery?
Romeo. A gentleman, nurse, that loves to hear himself talk; and will speak more in a minute than he will stand to in