important business to settle. Have a look at the letter I’ve received from my bailiff and tell me what to do about it».
«Dear me, you are a queer fish and no mistake», Tarantyev replied. «You can’t do anything by yourself. It’s always I who have to do things for you. Of what use is a man like you? But, then, you’re not a man: you’re just a stuffed dummy».
«Where’s that letter? Zakhar, Zakhar! He’s put it away somewhere again!» Oblomov said.
«Here’s the bailiff’s letter», said Alexeyev, picking up the crumpled letter.
«Yes, here it is», Oblomov repeated and began to read it aloud. «What do you say?» he asked when he had finished reading the letter. «What am I to do? Droughts, arrears…»
«You’re hopeless – hopeless!» said Tarantyev.
«But why am I hopeless?»
«Why, aren’t you hopeless?»
«Well, if I am, tell me what to do».
«And what will I get out of it?»
«I’ve promised you champagne – what more do you want?»
«Champagne was for finding you a flat. Why, I’ve done you a favour, and you don’t appreciate it – you argue about it – you’re ungrateful. Well, try and find a flat by yourself! And what a flat! The main thing is you’ll have absolute peace, just as if you were living at your own sister’s. Two children, an unmarried brother, I shall be calling every day…»
«All right, all right», Oblomov interrupted. «You’d better tell me now what I am to do about the bailiff».
«No, sir, not unless you add beer for dinner. I’ll tell you then».
«He wants beer now! Haven’t you had enough».
«Good-bye, then», said Tarantyev, again putting on his hat.
«Good heavens! here the bailiff writes that my income will be two thousand less, and he wants beer, too! All right, buy some beer».
«Let’s have some more money», said Tarantyev.
«But what about the change from the ten-rouble note?»
«And what about the cab fares to Vyborg?»
Oblomov took out another rouble and thrust it into his hand crossly.
«Your bailiff is a rogue – that’s what I think», Tarantyev began, putting the rouble in his pocket, «and you stand there with your mouth open and believe him. You see the sort of tall story he tells you! Drought, bad harvest, arrears, runaway peasants – it’s all a pack of lies! I’ve heard that in our district, on the Shumilov estate, the harvest last year was so good that they paid off all their debts. And Shumilov is only thirty-five miles from you: why haven’t the crops there been burnt up? Then there is something else he has invented – arrears! But what was he doing? Why did he neglect them? Why should there be arrears? Is there no work to be had in our district – no market for a peasant’s produce? Why, the thief – I’d teach him a lesson! And I daresay the peasants ran away because he got some money from them and then let them go, and he never complained to the police at all».
«I don’t believe it», said Oblomov. «Why, he actually quotes the police inspector’s answer in the letter and so authentically, too».
«Oh, you simpleton! You don’t know anything. All rogues write authentically – take my word for it. Here, for instance», he went on, pointing to Alexeyev, «sits an honest fellow who won’t hurt a fly – well, will he write an authentic letter? Never. But his relation, though a rogue and a swine, will. And you won’t write such a letter, either. Your bailiff therefore is a rascal just because he has written such a clever and authentic-sounding letter. You see how carefully he chose his words: „to send them back to their place of domicile“».
«What am I to do with him?» asked Oblomov.
«Sack him at once».
«But whom shall I appoint in his place? What do I know about the peasants? Another one might be worse. I haven’t been there for twelve years».
«Go to your estate yourself: that must be done. Spend the summer there and in the autumn come straight to the new flat. I’ll see that it’s all ready for you».
«Move to a new flat – go to the country – and all by myself! What desperate measures you suggest!» Oblomov said, looking displeased. «Nothing about avoiding extremes and suggesting some sort of compromise».
«Well, my dear fellow, you’re as good as done for. Why, in your place I’d have mortgaged the estate long ago and bought another or a house here in a good residential part of the town; that’s a damn sight better than that country place of yours. And then I’d have mortgaged the house and bought another. Let me have your estate and I’d soon make them sit up».
«Stop boasting and think of something so that I need not leave this flat or go to the country and so that everything should be settled satisfactorily», Oblomov remarked.
«But will you ever do anything?» said Tarantyev. «Have a good look at yourself. Why, you’re not good for anything. Of what use are you to your country? You can’t even go to your estate!»
«It’s a bit too soon for me to go there», replied Oblomov. «I must first finish my plan of the changes I intend to introduce on my estate… But, look here, Tarantyev», Oblomov said suddenly, «why shouldn’t you go instead? You know what the business is and you have a pretty good idea what the countryside is like in those parts – I would pay your expenses…»
«I’m not your manager, am I?» Tarantyev said haughtily. «Besides, I’ve lost the knack of dealing with peasants».
«What am I to do?» said Oblomov, pensively. «I’m hanged if I know».
«Well, write to the police inspector. Ask him if the bailiff has spoken to him about runaway peasants», Tarantyev advised, «and ask him to visit your estates too; then write to the Governor to order the police inspector to report on the bailiff’s conduct. „Will your Excellency be so good as to take a fatherly interest in me and cast a merciful eye upon the terrible and inevitable misfortune that threatens to overwhelm me as a result of my bailiff’s outrageous behaviour and the utter ruin which is bound to overtake me together with my wife and twelve little children who will be left unprovided for and starving“…»
Oblomov laughed.
«Where am I to get so many children if I am asked to produce them?» he said.
«Nonsense, man! Write: „Twelve children“. No one will pay any attention to it and no one will make inquiries, but it will sound „authentic“. The Governor will pass on the letter to his secretary, and you will write to the secretary at the same time – with an enclosure, of course – and he will give the necessary order. And ask your neighbours, too: whom have you got there?»
«Dobrynin lives near», said Oblomov. «I used to see him often here; he is in the country now».
«Well, write to him, too. Ask him nicely: „You will be doing me a great favour and oblige me as a Christian, a neighbour, and a friend.“ And add some Petersburg present to the letter – a box of cigars, for instance. That is what you should do, but you don’t seem to have any sense at all. You’re hopeless! I’d have made that bailiff sit up; I’d have shown him! When does the post go?»
«The day after to-morrow», said Oblomov.
«Very well. Sit down and write at once».
«But if it’s the day after to-morrow, why should I write now?» Oblomov remarked. «To-morrow will do. And, look here, old man», he added. «You may as well crown your „act of charity“, and I will add a fish or some bird for dinner».
«What now?»
«Sit down and write – it won’t take you long to scribble three letters. You put everything so „authentically“», he added, trying to conceal a smile, «and Alexeyev could copy it out».
«Good Lord, how do you like