gay men to them—their belief that their wives’ accepting personalities will extend to their hidden homosexuality if the truth does get out.
Wives of gay men come in all different shapes, sizes, colors, and nationalities. The average woman who marries a gay man looks the same as the average woman who marries a straight man. Even if the wife looks like Miss America, she can never be attractive enough to change her husband’s proclivity. Women simply have the wrong “plumbing,” and that’s all there is to it!
Q. Why did my husband choose to tell me about his homosexuality at this particular point in our marriage?
A. There is no set time when a man decides to reveal this information to his wife. Some men come out within the first year of marriage, while other men wait until their 25th, 30th, or 40th wedding anniversary or even later. A husband’s decision to come out is usually based on at least one of the following factors:
1. He gets tired of living a lie and coping with the guilt.
2. He has met a man with whom he wants to have a relationship.
3. He is ready to leave the marriage and is strong enough to tell his wife the truth.
4. He has acted on his gay sexual needs and now is finally sure about his sexuality and doesn’t want to hide it.
5. He is going through mid-life crisis and changes.
6. He has experienced the death of a close loved one.
In most of the cases that I know, the husband comes out at his convenience, not at the wife’s, and this is usually at a time when he doesn’t care whether or not his wife will accept his being gay. In most cases, he has met someone and wants to start a relationship with him. Or he becomes mentally and emotionally strong enough to become part of the gay world.
There are women who have told me, “He shouldn’t have told me when he did—it wasn’t a good time.” Let’s be honest, could there ever be a good time to hear this news? Of course not. This news is devastating no matter when you hear it. The sooner you learn about your husband’s homosexuality, the better it is for you. Think of all of the women who never find out what is wrong in their marriage and go through life thinking there is something wrong with them. Statistics show that nearly 65% of gay married men will never tell the truths to their wives, letting them linger in self-doubt and unhappiness for years. It is better to find out too soon than too late, and no matter when you find out, it isn’t soon enough.
Q. I have been told that it was impossible for me not to know that my husband was gay before we were married, and that subconsciously, I must have wanted to marry a gay man. Is this possible?
A. I hear gay men use this reason as an excuse for why it was okay not to inform their wives, but I don’t believe this is true overall. In most instances, it is impossible to know ahead of time that a spouse is gay, especially if he is making every effort to hide it. Some women have told me that they were drawn to their husbands because they were nurturing, caring, and affectionate. They appreciated the fact that their spouse wasn’t looking to jump into sexual relations immediately like many men are. Other women had limited experiences with men, and even if they thought something was not quite right, they didn’t understand what it could be. Most straight women have very limited experiences with gay men. Why would they think that a gay man would want to or even be able to have a relationship with a straight woman? For the small number of women that I have spoken to who knew that their husbands were gay prior to marriage (approximately 5%), most believed that marriage would change their husband’s sexual orientation.
I have spoken to some women who are afraid to get involved in a relationship again because they are convinced that somehow, on a subconscious level, they will be attracted to another gay man. If this starts to become a pattern, it is certainly worth looking into through personal counseling. But most women will be cautious in their approach to dating and have a better idea of what to look for in a partner.
Q. My husband feels that since he can be honest with himself about his sexuality, he’d like to be honest with our children. I am not comfortable with this. How do I handle this?
A. This problem occurs in most families, and the answer is complex. The most important issue to focus on is the welfare of the child or children. Any decision that is made should be thought out with the best interests of the children in mind. Often, children are caught up in the battles of the parents’ morals and egos, and they come out the losers.
How your child reacts to this news will depend on several factors:
1. Age—If a child is too young to comprehend the concept of sexuality, it can be damaging to discuss this. If a child is nearing adolescence, it is advisable not to reveal this information. For teenagers, sexuality is such a sensitive issue that this piece of information can definitely confuse the teenager even more. It causes the child to start questioning his/her own sexuality and feel an added burden.
2. Location of residency—If you live in an area that is very conservative, church-oriented, or far away from a large metropolitan city, chances are that the community will not be too accepting of homosexuality in general. Local attitudes definitely influence the way a child thinks. In large cities where gay communities are more visible and people tend to be more accepting in their attitudes in general, there is a better chance for your child to feel more comfortable about this because chances are the gay father may feel more comfortable.
3. Relationship between father and child—If a father has a close, nurturing relationship with his child(ren), the news will be easier to accept, especially if the father plans to continue the family relationship in the same vein. If the father has been aloof, abusive, uncaring, uncommunicative, etc., his homosexuality is just one more disappointment.
4. Relationship between the parents:
(a) If living together—If both parties have come to terms with this situation and decided to deal with it as best as they can, fighting and hostilities should be at a minimum. But if either partner resents being in the marriage and conflicts are a common event, the child will blame homosexuality for the unrest in his/her home.
(b) If living apart—I always say that when children are involved, you are tied together for life, so it is preferable to be friends than enemies for the sake of the children. If both parents have an understanding of each other’s values and put the welfare of the child before personal desires, pleasures, or judgments, the child will have an easier time accepting the gay parent. If the straight mother condemns, downgrades, criticizes, ridicules or calls the father names, it will be difficult for the child to have positive feelings about the gay parent.
Much of this depends on the next issue:
5. How the gay father handles his sexuality—I do not feel there is any reason for a parent to behave in a way that makes his child uncomfortable. If a child cannot deal with the father’s homosexuality, then he/she should not be exposed to the father’s gay lover(s), organizations, or hangouts. Homosexuality may be a lifestyle, but it is one that does not have to be displayed publicly. Fathers who constantly shove their homosexuality at their children are not helping them accept the situation, but rather turning them off even more.
It is important for the child to be given the time he/she needs to adjust to this situation while at the same time, to receive positive reinforcement from both parents. If a child does not accept the situation, the father should not take the attitude of, “Well, the hell with him/her, it’s my life and I’ll do what I want. After all, he’s/she’s only a kid.” That attitude will hinder any chance for a positive father-child relationship. The father should send the child cards or letters that reassure his love and availability. When a child does start spending time with his father again, the father should do everything possible to make sure that it is quality father/child time—not father, child and lover or other friends. Be aware of the child’s needs. Remember, it took the father a long time to accept his