one and only Son.” It doesn’t say, “God knew He was the only way to fix man’s sin, so He sent His only Son.” It doesn’t say, “For God loved the world, He gave His one and only Son.” It says, “For God so loved the world.” This verse means that God loved the world in a manner that caused Him to send His only Son to die. That’s a pretty powerful, strong kind of love to compel that kind of sacrifice, don’t you think? God loved us so much that He demonstrated His great love for us by sending His only Son to die.
But what does that mean? How does being the object of that kind of passionate love move you? You are so loved. Do you feel so loved? You may be able to answer these questions with a firm and sure answer. And that is amazing if you can. But if you can’t, please don’t lose heart. And know you are not alone…getting to the answers to those questions is the very reason we began this journey together.
At times, what His love feels like doesn’t fit in a neat and tidy churchy box. (It is worth noting that at this stage in the journey for some, it may not feel neat and tidy at all…it may feel disappointing, confusing and painful.) And that’s okay. We will walk this road together—there is hope.
Since we just talked about God’s view of children, I thought I’d ask my children how it feels and what being so loved by God means to them. I’ve decided to share with you what they came up with, because I think it shows how God reaches in and reveals His love to us in ways that meet us where we are.
Here are a few examples of what my boys, Caleb, 8, and Ethan, 11, said: “It feels like always meeting new friends” (my extreme extrovert); “It reminds me of getting a new present, like a puppy. You feel so happy” (Caleb’s desperate for a dog); “It feels like winning the Stanley Cup over and over again” (Ethan loves hockey); “It’s like giving someone a hug after a long day.”
Take a minute now and make your own list. I’ve started mine. So far I have: a soothing warm bath for cold, tired bones; finally bringing home the missing piece to complete my room; safe and secure. Perhaps you could find a journal to use throughout your reading of this book, as I will often suggest that you do some writing and reflecting as we go on (sorry, it’s the therapist in me). It will likely be helpful to assess your list. Add to it as He reveals Himself to you. Correct it as He opens your eyes to His truth. Put tick marks beside places where you have it totally right. Because He wants you to know how it feels and what it means to be loved by Him.
I invite you to join me as I explore the depth and breadth of God’s love and how this safe, secure, worth-giving, life-changing, sacrifice-compelling love impacts the most precious, sacred parts of our being. My prayer is that as we take this journey together, you will be able to see past my thoughts and words to the One who loves you and to what He has planned for you in relationship with Him.
1 See John Bowlby, Attachment and Loss, 3 vols. (New York: Basic Books, 1969-1980).
Chapter Two: Love Means No Condemnation
For God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.
John 3:16
Those of you who consider yourselves seasoned believers may feel like this chapter has little relevance. Like sitting through a gospel message. I would consider myself a pretty seasoned believer, and it has great relevance for me.
Not too long ago I did something to my husband, Todd, that I felt was wrong, and I was beside myself about it. I shared something with a friend of ours, for prayer, that involved my husband. Not something bad about him, just something that was part of our journey. These are friends we “do life” with. They know us and all our “stuff.” This is what we talk about with them, and this level of authenticity characterizes our relationship. Yet, after I shared with her, I felt regret. I wished I hadn’t done so—I wished I had checked with Todd first before I opened my big mouth, because it was really his story, not mine, to share. I felt sick about it.
By the time the end of the day had come and I had time alone with Todd to talk about it, I had built it up in my head to be a major breech in trust that I had committed against him, and I feared he would feel very betrayed by me and that it would affect his ability to feel emotionally safe with me going forward. I was beating myself up pretty badly about it all—first because he is the last person on earth I would ever want to cause any upset to, and second because I am a therapist. Confidentiality is what I do for a living. I should know better.
After we got the kids into bed, I sat down beside my husband (ready to vomit) and told him that I had done something very wrong that I needed to confess to him. The poor guy got a really concerned look on his face, turned off the TV and faced me. I then proceeded to tell him what I had shared with our friend and that I felt it was very wrong—that it was his story to share, and I should have talked with him about sharing it before I just did so.
His concerned look completely disappeared and was replaced with an expression of relief. Then he furrowed his brow, shook his head and said, “Babe, that is not a big deal at all. Don’t worry about it! I totally trust [our friend], and I am completely fine with you telling her so they can pray.”
I couldn’t believe how huge of a deal I had made it in my head and how little of a deal it was in reality to my husband. It was such a reminder to me of just how powerful condemnation can be. It can take a non-issue and make it into a monster issue. It can twist a normal situation and make it into an immobilizing one. It can move you from good to bad in your head in a split second if you are not careful. It can make you think you have damaged your marital intimacy by seeking the prayer support of those who love you, when in fact you haven’t.
Condemnation caused me to think that my husband’s trust in me, love for me and emotional safety with me might be compromised. And more than that, truth be told, condemnation had me feeling like I didn’t even deserve any of that from him. All because of something I thought was a mistake.
Condemnation does that to us with God too. It gets us thinking we aren’t good enough. That He couldn’t love us or want us around after what we have or have not done. And God responds like my husband. “I love you. It’s not a big deal to Me, because I covered that already with Jesus and the cross.”
Why did I say that being so loved by God means no condemnation, instead of saying that it means salvation? (I believe that the only way we are actually free from condemnation is because of salvation through Christ Jesus—please see appendix E if you would like to read my thoughts about this a bit more.) Because I believe it is much easier for women to accept the idea of salvation than the idea of no condemnation. Think back to the story I shared earlier about my friend if you need a real-life illustration of what I mean. If we feel condemned, even though we are saved, we certainly won’t feel so loved. Or valuable. Or worth much.
The Daughter of Love: Grace
I love grace. It’s what I was met with in the eyes of my husband when I sat down beside him, before he even knew what I was going to tell him. He tells me it is because of how much he loves me—he hates to see me upset, even when he is the one who has been wronged. It’s in those moments that I find myself keenly aware of the verses that talk about Christ as the bridegroom and the Church as the bride. This is how He responds to us. He loves us so much despite all the things we have done wrong that when He looks at us, He is moved by His love and doesn’t condemn us. He offers us grace.
Why do I make mention of grace when we are supposed to be talking about love? Grace is because of love. It’s an outgrowth of love. It’s almost an action word for love. And it’s what we are met with instead of condemnation. When I was a teenager, I heard a preacher at Joy Bible Camp say, “Grace is God’s hand giving us what we don’t deserve, and mercy is His hand holding back what we do deserve.”
Why would God show us mercy and grace?
Because He loves us.
But, because God loves us, He also made us with free will. He doesn’t force us to love Him or obey Him; nor does He make us like robots, to follow Him blindly and without choice. Adam and Eve were