‘Pam – I hope you didn’t mind me coming here early. I wanted to talk to you about something. If it’s all right.’
‘Of course.’ Pam stirred the tagine, replaced the lid and gave Rose her full attention. ‘What is it?’
‘I wanted to talk about Jen – to try to get my own head round this thing with the engagement. I said too much yesterday – opened my mouth and spoke my mind. I felt awful afterwards. But I’m a bit worried. She’s such a sweet-natured person, so kind, and this whirlwind thing with Eddie…’
‘You don’t trust him, Rose?’
Rose stood upright, placing her hands on her hips. ’I might be wrong – I hope I am – but what if he’s a skinflint, a pinch-penny, going to Las Vegas with his son and gambling while she has a limited budget for her wedding dress and her honeymoon is a paltry weekend in Dorset? That’s not exactly the doting fiancé, is it?’
Pam shrugged. ‘I see what you mean but I’m sure he cares for her. He’s a pensioner – they both are – he probably just wants to economise. And she clearly adores him.’
‘Pam.’ Rose placed the wine glass firmly down on the countertop. It was only a quarter full. ‘I was fortunate in many ways to share my married life with Bernard. I loved him and he was a good man. We had a son, Paul, and we were happy. But there were problems.’ Rose took a breath. ‘Generosity wasn’t his forte. Or thoughtfulness. You know what I mean? I rarely had birthday presents or Christmas presents. He said he cared and that was enough for me, but he never showed it. I’d be upset to get nothing on my birthday and he’d say, “Oh, sorry, Rose – here’s a ten pound note – treat yourself.” I loved Bernard, but he wasn’t very thoughtful or generous and years and years of it affected my confidence – I thought myself not to be worth spoiling or being treasured, if I’m honest. I denied myself because I was being denied. He came first and I was second best, and it became a habit, feeling not worth much. We had holidays, on his terms, but I never had independence – I never bought myself new clothes or had much fun.’
Pam nodded, a little surprised to see Rose so animated, her words tumbling out quickly. ‘You think Eddie is like Bernard?’
Rose brought her lips together. ‘Yes, I do. Bernard was a kind man even if he was a little too careful with the contents of his wallet. We were happy enough, good company for each other and he was appreciative even if, although I shouldn’t say so now he’s gone, our life could be a little boring. And I do miss him, although I don’t think I knew how much I would when he was alive. We bickered a lot. I suppose we both just took each other for granted, slipped into a rut. Now I miss him being around the house, his smile, his silly jokes. But Jen is a sensitive soul. She needs someone who will cherish her and Eddie puts himself first.’
‘Rose…’ Pam lifted the lid of the tagine. Steam rose in front of her face like a potion. ‘I’m sure Eddie adores her.’
Rose’s voice became higher. ‘Look at Tess. She’s a strong woman and her Alan never gives her the time of day. He plays golf all the time. She is a lovely person, but you saw her the other night. She’s lonely, starved of fun. I mean…’ her voice became louder as she finished her glass of wine ‘… I’m alone and desolate and sad and dowdy but I’m better off than both of them.’
‘You might be being a bit hard, Rose. Jen seems happy with Eddie.’
Rose nodded. ‘I’m sure you’re right, Pam, yes – I’m probably seeing it all wrong. And I’m overprotective. I thought that too – it’s in my nature. That’s why I married Bernard, to care for him and put him first. My fault, I suppose. But times have changed now. And I’m worried. I thought I’d come early, Pam – to talk to you. You are wise and sensible and I know you’ll be able to calm me down and help me think straight. At the moment, I’m just a little bit edgy – I’m probably being unfair and you seem so grounded.’
Elvis barked in agreement, lifting his front paws high and tottering on his hind legs. Pam offered him a morsel of cheese, which he dropped to the floor and snaffled up greedily. Rose’s face was serious. ‘Do you think I’m overreacting?’
Pam shrugged her shoulders. ‘I don’t know, Rose. You may be right. We’ve all only known each other since the class started last autumn but we seem to get on well. We’re all protective of Jen and we hardly know Eddie at all.’
‘There’s definitely a bond developing between the five of us – and that’s why I thought I’d talk to you about my feelings. Jen’s known Eddie less time than she’s known us.’
‘Maybe Jen will be fine.’ Pam recalled the image of Eddie on the beach, Elvis’s sandy paws on his jacket. She remembered Eddie buying the vitamin pills in the wholefood shop and she realised she had no idea about his suitability as a partner. ‘They’ll be company for each other, won’t they?’
‘I’m in my seventies now and I’ll admit it – I’m lonely. But I’d rather have no company at all than a man who didn’t put me first and treat me like I was special.’
Pam stretched a hand down and tousled Elvis’s fur. He licked her palm. ‘Maybe you’re right, Rose.’
They were thoughtful for a while, and then the sound of the knocker being rapped at the front door jolted them. Pam rushed to the hall, Elvis yapping at her heels, and tugged open the door to see three smiling faces, three women holding up bottles of wine and chorusing, ‘Hello.’
Pam held the door open and Della, Tess and Jen tumbled inside, full of delight at the compact prettiness of Pam’s cottage, the glowing fire in the hearth, the cuteness of Elvis, whom they were immediately showering with kisses, and the warm smells of a succulent tagine. Rose unfolded her arms, plastered a smile on her face and hurried into the lounge to embrace her friends, saving a special warm hug for Jen.
‘Anyone for more apple cake and cream?’
‘I couldn’t, Pam.’ Della blew air from her lips. ‘I’m full. But it was delicious.’
‘That was lovely.’ Jen smiled, helping herself to more water.
‘I’ll have a sliver, please – it was so nice.’ Tess held out her plate. ‘Anyone else for more wine? Rose?’
‘A little.’ Rose nodded. ‘Thank you. Now – what were you talking about just before, Della?’
‘Second chances. I was saying how nice it was that Jen has a second chance at love. You know, I believe life offers us opportunities every now and then. A meeting with someone, an opportunity to do something new. And we should take our chances with both hands.’
‘Like bungee jumping, do you mean?’ Tess pulled a face. ‘Like a bucket list?’
‘Bucket lists depress me,’ Rose mumbled. ‘I don’t like the idea of doing something quickly, before you die, in case you miss out. But I do like the idea of doing something because the opportunity is there and the desire is there, spontaneously.’
Della thought for a moment. ‘I think I’m guilty of drifting – you know, just putting things off until tomorrow.’
‘But you are happy, Della.’ Tess sipped her wine. ‘Life is good for you. I spend far too much time being disappointed, disgruntled.’
Rose laughed. ‘So do I, Tess. We should make a change.’
‘But I don’t know how to change for the best. If I left Alan, it would be chaos. Besides, we do get on, sometimes.’
‘Is that enough?’ Rose raised her eyebrows. ‘Bernard and I used to bicker. I thought it was enough to make me happy, a marriage, and another person around the house, but is it really the only option?’
Elvis barked, leaping up on Pam’s knee. She rubbed his ears and he settled down. ‘I often think how times have changed.’ She sighed. ‘Young women now