5 how to use head nods differently with women versus men and torso leans to show you are interested.
• You are speaking to a small cluster of seated people and notice that one person has one foot pointed toward you and one foot pointed away from you, one guy just moved his feet apart, another’s feet are crossed at the ankle, and both of your feet just turned toward the exit. What’s going on? What do they think of you? Do they like you? You will learn that feet are the most honest portion of the body, and how they can show whether someone feels relaxed or nervous (see page 142); when someone wants to go (see page 44); that a person is signaling interest in you (see page 228); and even that someone is attempting to deceive you (see page 38).
• You see someone you are attracted to and keep glancing his way. What else can you do to encourage him to approach you, or to make it easier for you to approach him? You will learn about open-window-approach cues in chapter 2 and luring cues in chapter 4.
• A vendor says she can deliver the product on time and under budget. She raises her eyebrows and shows the palms of her hands as she speaks, and she says one of her words with a lilt in her voice. Can you believe what she’s saying? You will learn about eyebrow flashes, honest palms, and vocal cues signaling honesty in chapters 2 and 3.
• A prospective client gives you a bone-crushing handshake. What can you know about him from this? What does he think about you? You will learn in chapter 3 the secrets to handling a bone crusher and why you might feel sorry for someone who wants to crush your hand.
• Someone asks you a difficult question. You pause and then answer in a voice two octaves higher than normal. How does that affect your credibility? In chapter 2, you will learn cues to avoid giving to others if you want to be credible.
• You’ve had a bad morning. As you face your day and meet new people or even see, for the first time that day, people you already know, how do you guard against being influenced by your less-than-rose-colored glasses? In chapter 1 and throughout the book, you will learn about moods that affect our first impressions, and how to change your mood and the impressions you make on others.
We’ve seen that snap impressions are quick, accurate assessments of others, and that they give powerful impressions to others. In the next chapter we’ll explore exactly how these lightning-quick ideas are formed — and the four most important factors that form them.
Understand the Four First-Impression Factors: Credibility, Likability, Attractiveness, and Power
Marie was nervous about a meeting with a high-level executive, Ron, at his country club. Ron raised his eyebrows and smiled from across the room, approached, and said, “Marie?” When she nodded “yes,” he tilted his head briefly and his smile grew and he continued walking toward her, with his hand outstretched, as though they were long-lost friends at a reunion, rather than a freelancer and potential client at an interview. Her tension about the meeting eased. Ron spoke warmly to Maria, as well as to the dining room hostess as she walked them to a table. He gave a friendly open greeting to their server and, once Marie was settled in her seat, turned his heart toward her and thanked her for coming to meet him. Though there were many distractions, he fully focused on her. “I like his confidence,” thought Marie. “I thought I would be scared, but I’m not.”
Marie very much wanted the work Ron might offer her, and felt a bit out of her comfort zone before meeting him. Yet almost instantly, she relaxed and felt comfortable, even safe.
Melissa thought she had found the perfect business partner when she met Jason. He was confident, attractive, and a great storyteller. He laughed all the time. When she first met him, and in later interactions, she felt “overwhelmed” by his enthusiasm and wit, but she would say to herself, “That’s because I’m an introvert.”
She noticed that sometimes there would be a swift change in Jason’s demeanor. When a meeting was over and the other people had left, he would put on his lopsided grin and say something sarcastic about them. This would make Melissa uncomfortable, but again she would reason away her doubts, saying, “That’s his sense of humor, and the clients love him.” Jason was so charismatic that charm oozed out of him like honey. The problem was that the honey was so thick that Melissa couldn’t see through it. Jason was a compulsive liar and a smooth talker, and he took her top clients from her, leaving her business in the lurch.
Something in Ron’s demeanor immediately put Marie at ease. There was something about Jason’s demeanor that charmed Melissa but also made her feel “overwhelmed” and “uncomfortable.” We know that we make snap judgments within seconds of meeting someone for the first time. But what is it that we see that can either put us at ease or set us on edge?
We assess four “first-impression factors” when we first meet somebody:
1. Credibility: This most important factor makes us feel safe because it tells us the other person is trustworthy.
2. Likability: This is what indicates that someone is warm, friendly, and easy to be around.
3. Attractiveness: Balance and symmetry in the body and face help create a positive snap for reasons that may surprise you. Other aspects of the power of attractiveness inform your impressions and actions. But rest assured, it is not all about being pretty or handsome.
4. Power: Levels of dominance, either pronounced or subtle, exist in all our interactions and, ideally, send messages of confidence and ease in situations.
To understand how people use nonverbal behavior to make snap impressions, you need to understand these four crucial, primary factors. When you learn to recognize them, you will be aware of how they affect your perceptions of others, and you can form more accurate first impressions. You will also understand the specific things you can do at any time with any person to increase your credibility, likability, attractiveness, and power. I will also discuss how you can gain positive charisma, the extreme charisma exhibited by people who have high levels of likability, attractiveness, and power; what you can do to increase your positive charisma; and how you can be swayed more easily, and even fooled in ways that are dangerous, by highly charismatic people.
Credibility
As a first-time manager, Janet often sought the advice of Barb, a more experienced manager of another department in the company. The first time she met Barb, she felt at ease. And each time Janet sought Barb’s counsel, she felt that comfort. It didn’t matter if she came in upset with an employee or confused about a client’s needs, when she talked to Barb she trusted her. Janet knew that if Barb said, “You did the right thing,” she really meant it. There was no reason to worry that Barb would share her confidences with anyone else in the company, that she would say to someone,