— especially when — it’s directed at you:
Where there is love, there is nothing to fear.
People may misunderstand.
But that is their business.
As long as you are aligned with love, you can create no harm.
Step forward from here knowing that choosing to love yourself —
in all the ways that will come to light — can only be a good thing, for when you act from love, everything in your life aligns just right.
Someday I will petition Dictionary.com to change its definition of self-love. But I’m not willing to wait for that to happen before I set the record — and your mind — straight about what self-love really is. Especially not after all the work you just did to clear yourself of those big misunderstandings and ridiculous beliefs about self-love. However, I do admit I dream of millions of us, self-loving women and girls, mailing letter upon letter to the office where this council of definition-makers resides. But for right now, we need to evoke your individual love power to put your self-love mind-set in place for good, so that nothing holds you back from expressing love for yourself without apology.
First, I took it upon myself to write a new definition for self-love that we can all rally around and embrace. One that you can input into your memory banks. A definition that will make you think, “Choosing self-love is good! Do that! Often.” Here goes. Open your mind, heart, and spirit for the real definition of self-love.
Self-love is the unconditional love and respect
that you have for yourself
that is so deep,
so solid,
so unwavering
that you choose only situations and relationships — including the one you have with yourself — that reflect that same unconditional love and respect.
Okay, let’s pause here for a moment. You want this to sink in deep. Put your hand on your heart and read the definition out loud. Really get the vibration of love passing through your lips and seeping into your heart. Feel the love in your body as you speak this truth. Yum, huh?
Now, let’s make it personal. Reread the definition again, this time transforming it into a belief that you can hold and come back to again and again. Read the definition aloud, slowly, replacing the “you” and “yourself” with “I” and “myself,” making this about your love for you.
Self-love is the unconditional love and respect
that I have for myself
that is so deep,
so solid,
so unwavering
that I choose only situations and relationships —
including the one I have with myself —
that reflect that same unconditional love and respect.
Reread the entire definition out loud three times for maximum benefit. (Don’t ask why three times; this is one of those magic-inducing things that just is — vows, mantras, and anything you want to stick in your heart and mind need to be repeated out loud at least three times.) Read at a pace that allows you to feel the words sink into your body, as if they were penetrating your cells. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, open your eyes, and read, listening with your heart, as if your heart were soaking the words in. Keep your hand on your chest right over your heart for extra love power (this is the place on your body that you can always touch to activate your connection to your best-friend self ). After you finish reading this self-love definition, pause for a few moments, eyes still closed, and let your heart consider this version of self-love to be a reality for you.
What would it be and feel like to have such unconditional love and respect for yourself that only situations and relationships that reflect that same unconditional love and respect would be acceptable to you?
What would it be like to love yourself so much that you, as your best friend, would be willing to take that kind of stand for yourself? To stand for yourself and your right to unconditional love and respect before anything or anyone else?
Unconditional love and respect is a powerful and purposeful choice of words. It means that, without exception, parameters, rules, or expectation, you commit to giving yourself love and respect. That the love and respect you have for yourself is just there, even when you screw up, make bad choices, or don’t show up as your best self. You are human, and to be human means that you will make mistakes, fail, and fall down. Your job as your very best friend is to always reach out your hand to help yourself up, just as you would an innocent child. If you witnessed a child fall down or stumble while learning to walk, you wouldn’t say, “Get up, you loser! What’s your problem? You can do better than that!” No, you would likely reach out your hand, help the child up, and say, “It’s okay, keep trying. You are doing great!” Your job is to do the same for yourself, to always choose to give yourself a hug and remind yourself that you’re still growing and learning. That’s what a best friend or a loving parent would do, and that’s what you will learn to do as choosing self-love becomes your natural go-to state.
We’ve all had relationships in which people didn’t love us unconditionally, but instead used love as a reward, a punishment, or a manipulation tactic. In my own experience, the times that a person I trusted and loved — whether a parent, friend, or lover — took love away were some of the most damaging and painful times I’ve ever known. Perhaps you too have experienced love being taken away or used against you — it hurts! So do yourself a favor and make the relationship with yourself different. Make it better. Make it so that love is always given and always present, no matter what.
Make your relationship with yourself the best relationship in your life.
When’s the last time you sat down and checked in with yourself, and asked, “How is our relationship going? Are you getting the love and respect you need from me?” Ha! I wish we had been taught as young girls to have this conversation with ourselves on a regular basis. But alas, the majority of us were taught the opposite. Here’s the good news: Throughout this entire book I’ll show you how to check in with yourself to make sure you are getting what you need and desire in every way. Not in ways that add another to-do to your list, but in a manner that adds joy, happiness, peace, and a sense of unwavering connection and unconditional love to your life. Sound good? Let’s take a practice run just to get a sense of where you are in your relationship to yourself — a kind of quick check-in that reveals the strength of the relationship between you and yourself.
Read each of the descriptions on pages 51–53 and choose the one that most represents your current relationship with yourself. Then record the corresponding number in the space provided at the end of the list. Base your decision on your ability to choose unconditional love and respect for yourself, rather than all those other things — doubt, shame, guilt, hate, neglect, and judgment — that you’ve been programmed to default to, and that, in the process, cause you to make self-sabotaging, self-critical, self-abusive choices instead.
But here’s the thing about this check-in: It is not a test. This is not an invitation to judge yourself (that is so not self-loving). And this is not like one of those magazine quizzes you take and then lie about to make your score higher so you can feel better about your life (it’s okay, we’ve all cheated on those). This is a communication between you and yourself, a way for you to compassionately notice where you are in your relationship with yourself and in your ability to choose love for yourself. So honesty is actually required. Let your inner guidance