Ltd., 1952). Used by permission.
King, Martin Luther, Jr., The Strength to Love, (New York: Walker and Company, 1985), © 1963, reprinted by permission of Joan Daves Agency.
L'Engle, Madeleine, The Irrational Season, pp. 46–48. Copyright © 1977 by Crosswicks Ltd. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers.
Weil, Simone, Waiting on God, p. 85 and p. 93, (London: Fontana Books, 1959).
Every attempt has been made to credit the sources of copyrighted material used in this book. If any such acknowledgment has been inadvertently omitted or miscredited, receipt of such information would be appreciated.
PART I: THE SERVICE
INTRODUCTION
Congratulations! Together you are beginning to plan what may well be the most important day of your life. Except for birth and death, when someone else normally does the planning, no change in our lives is as significant as the change from being single to being married. Here you have the one opportunity in your life to plan the statement of faith and commitment you want to make and to participate in it with the person who means the most to you, as well as with your family and friends.
The plans you make also involve more than just one day. They involve the days before and the days after. If you plan well, you will learn things that will affect your life now; you will look forward to the day itself with a greater understanding and deeper joy. And if you plan well, your married life will be affected; you will understand better how the love of God and God's people, the church, is a strength on which to depend. Good planning makes a real and lasting difference.
The service you are beginning to plan is one in which you say something and do something. What you do is enter into a new relationship, create a new family. You are changed by what you do. But you also say something. Your marriage service says something out loud to your friends and family about your love and your faith, and that will affect them also. What you do is not much affected by the choices you make about the service. The service will take place anyway and you will still be married whether the choices you make are good or bad. But what you say depends very much on your choices; if you choose well, others will hear about the love and joy you have found, share it more fully, and support you in living it out.
Perhaps, then, you should begin by spending some time thinking together about what it is you would like to say. You may want to make some notes on a piece of paper. What is it you feel about each other? What are the strengths you have found in each other and want to give to each other? What are your hopes for your marriage? Why is it important to you to be married in church? How important are your friends and family in your lives? And what does God's love mean to you? Where do you see God's love at work in your lives and the lives of others? When you can answer questions like these, it will be easier to make the choices that this book describes.
How to use this book
In the center of this book is a pull-out page which lets you check off the choices you make as you plan your service.1 You might want to pull it out now and run it through a copier. Make two or three copies. Then you can make some initial decisions and perhaps change them later. When you are finished you can make a copy for the church to keep on file and keep one for yourselves.
But first read through this book slowly and carefully and talk about it with each other and with your friends and family. Pray about it, too: ask God's guidance in the choices you make. Especially in choosing readings, don't try to do it quickly. Read one or two passages a day with the commentary provided on the facing page, and then think about them and discuss them with others. We suggest that you start by looking at the gospel selections since the gospel, containing the words and actions of Jesus, has always been given the place of honor. If your marriage includes the eucharist, the gospel is always read last for this reason.
Notice that each section of this book describes one of the choices you need to make and has a letter code. The pull-out sheet has the same letter code to show you where to enter that choice when you have made it.
Take your time. Half the fun is the planning. And remember that you have already made the most important decision by choosing each other!
Other matters you need to consider
No book can cover all the differences of architecture and policy in different churches. Be sure to discuss the following subjects with the priest (or deacon):2
1) Service program. Will it be helpful to your family and friends to give them a program, listing prayer book pages, hymn numbers, and names of participants, or even the complete text of the service with the readings? If you do this, you can insert directions for the congregation about when to stand or to be seated, and when to join in prayers or responses. Will you arrange for the printing yourselves, or ask if the church will take care of it? (If you do this, it is important to make your decisions well in advance of your wedding day, and to compensate the church for the expense.)
2) Attendants. What will be the number of ushers and bridesmaids, and where they will stand? Placement may be best arranged at the rehearsal but can also be discussed in advance with the priest.
3) Flowers. Policy as to what can be done and where flowers can be placed will differ from one church to another. There may be also a recommendation or requirement about using a florist familiar with the church.
4) Runner and candles. If you want a runner for the church aisle, find out whether the church has one or whether you need to get one from the florist or caterer. If you want more than the usual candles, find out what is permitted and, if you have a florist provide candles, make sure they are guaranteed to be dripless or that protection for the floor is provided.
5) Photography. Many churches have strict rules about the use of flashbulbs during the service and what may or may not be done with video cameras and lights. Make sure that the professional photographer and your friends know the church's policy. If you have a program of the service printed for the congregation, you can include a sentence saying: “Please take NO flash pictures during the processions or the service.”
6) Costs. Normally the church will have a set fee for the organist and sexton or custodian. There may be one inclusive fee to cover the expenses to the church of providing these services, as well as heat and light and maintenance. An honorarium for the priest is appropriate and generally is not included in the set fees.
7) Other Requirements. Don't forget that you need a marriage license. Get it well in advance (but not so long before that it expires!) and bring it to the church ahead of time. The priest will also tell you, if there has been a divorce, what you need to do to meet the church's requirements in this regard.
A. The Service
The first and most important choice you will make is whether or not to include the eucharist (Mass or Holy Communion) in your marriage service. There are two important reasons for choosing to include the eucharist. The first is that God's greatest gift of love is the life of Jesus Christ which we receive at the altar in the bread and wine. God's gift of love strengthens you for the new life you are beginning. Secondly, the eucharist is the family meal of God's family. There is no better way to begin your life as a family, which will be centered around your family table, than to come to God's table to share in the Christian family meal.
Sometimes people will be concerned that non-Christian guests or members of other Christian churches will feel “left out” if they cannot come to the altar. But your friends will want you to receive all the gifts your church has to give and, even if they are not free to receive communion, they will be glad that you have not changed the service on their account. Others are sometimes concerned about making. the service “too long.”